Loving an addict is grieving for a person who isn't actually gone..

To the person who has never had to deal with an addict, you should be thankful and consider yourself to be one of the lucky few. But, please remember to not judge those who are dealing with an addict. It's not our place to judge and even the smallest comment can cause someone to loose many hours of sleep, to begin to blame themselves again, to start the healing process all over again. Loving an addict, is grieving for a person who isn't actually dead. The person that has been taken over by  drugs, isn't the same person that we once knew. 

To the person who has loved an addict and has been able to let go, you too should consider yourself lucky. But, please remember to not judge those who aren't able to let go. It's not our place to judge. 

Unfortunately, I am in neither of these groups. I am the person who can't just let go. Logically, I know it's the best thing to do for myself and him. Logically, I know what it's doing to me from the inside out. I know all of the facts that everyone is always telling me. I know the facts about addition almost better than anyone else I know. I know holding on to a person who has chosen this life over anything, is only causing me pain. I know I can't change him, I know I can't stop him, I know only he can save himself. I know this, I know all of this. I tell myself what everyone else has told me on a daily basis. Do people really think I like to worry 24 hours a day? Do people really think I like searching the jails or calling hospitals everyday? Do people really think I like to be treated as if I'm the crazy person in this situation? 

For those of you who are able to let go and let what happens, happen, I admire your strength. I wish I was half as strong as you. But, I have my reasons and I know what I'm doing. I know that heroin has ruined my life and I've never even touched it. I know that becoming a part time detective isn't a normal thing in life. 

But let me ask you this. Imagine that you were diagnosed with an illness, that was ultimately life threatening and everyone you knew turned your back on you and called you nothing but a loser. Would this make you want to fight and keep going? Would this want to make you a better person? And what if, not only it was all of your friends that turned your back on you, but all of your family too. Even the one person that stood by you from day one. Would this make you feel like staying alive and fighting?

You see, my addict is my big brother. He has been my whole entire world from day one. Our biological father left when I was only 6 weeks old and never looked back. He too, was a drug addict and the drugs did eventually take his life. We had to protect each other and him being the only male in the house, felt he had to be the only man of the house. As we grew up, he was the person I turned to for just about everything, he was and is my very best friend. Some people say that twins can feel each others pain, we may not be twins but believe me I can feel his pain. I knew he was always into smoking pot or drinking as a teenager but never in my wildest dreams did I think he would turn to something like heroin. Then when I found out it was heroin, never in my wildest dreams did I think he would turn to shooting it up. Then when I found out he was shooting up, never did I think he would become a person who only lived to chase the dragon. It seemed to him that everyone had given up him, everyone had called him nothing but a junkie and wouldn't amount to anything. So, with all of this being said, I couldn't just confirm what he already thinks from everyone else. I can't just sit here and watch him kill himself and not do anything. I can't just push all of this aside and all of what we've been through out the window and not try and help him. I can't and I won't. 

If it wasn't for my brother, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be the person who has learned not to judge someone by what they do, I wouldn't be the person who has learned to love someone who doesn't want to be loved. I wouldn't be the person who has compassion and empathy for the drug addict sitting on the street corner. I wouldn't be the person that is writing this. And most importantly, I probably would have ended up in a similar situation. In spite of everything, he still protects/protected me from harm, in his own way. He never let me see him using, he never let me see what drugs looked like, if I was hurt and the doctor gave me a prescription, he always told me I better not be stupid with those, as a teenager, if I wanted to drink or smoke pot, he made sure it was with him. I guess he felt that if one of us could make it in this world, he would rather it be me than him. So, despite what he has done or does, he is and always will be my hero. 

So, please before you make the comment to someone still holding on, even if it's by a thread, that they should just let go, remember that not everyone can do that. Not everyone can just stop the tears, the sleepless nights, the nightmares. Some need just enough air to breath when they are being sucked under the water. 

An Open Letter to You

Dear You,
I debated all night whether or not I should post this on Facebook, send this to you in a message privately, or just simply write it down and never share it. Then I thought about this, I need to start writing again, it's always been my outlet and if you read it or not, so be it, at least I got this off my chest. So here it goes....

I wrote something a while back that said "you will either hug me or hate me when this is all over", and that may be true, but at least if you hate me, I know it wasn't because I didn't try everything in my power to save you. I need to say this and make it public so that everyone else can read it too. First let me start off by saying, I love you like my own brother and always will, that will never change. With that being said, I will always choose your children first. From the very first time they met me, they have always called me Aunt Sheena and never treated me any different, I never told them or asked them to, all I did was show them love and respect. Now before you tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain something to you. I know both sides of the story, I have lived your children's lives and I've also seen what addiction can do to a person and to a family first hand. No, I may have never been addicted to a substance, but I have lived the life through watching others. I have seen what goes on when you become addicted to something so powerful that not even your own life matters anymore. I've also been the one who has fought for the life of an addict and thankfully the life I fought for is still here. This is what I am trying to accomplish for your life.

Let me tell you who I had growing up, my mom and my brother. Yes, I did have a step-father and a younger sister, but as you may or may not know having a step-father is never the same. And don't get me wrong, I love my sister and I know she always there when I need her, but there is a bond between my brother and I that can never be broken because we shared so much that not everyone has. It was just me and my brother, while our "dad" was off smoking crack and getting drunk, sound familiar? The only difference between your children and myself is, I didn't know any of his family, I have no idea where he was born, what his mom's name was, if he has or had any siblings, I have no idea if his family ever had any kind of sickness or diseases, the only thing I knew about him was his full name and the state he lived in. I don't even know his birth date. I do, however, know how he died. He cooked himself to death. He was so high on crack and God knows what else that in his little nasty camper trailer he couldn't figure out how to open the door on a day where it was about 110 outside, so needless to say, he probably suffered when he died. Sadly, when we were notified of his passing, I don't even remember shedding one tear. Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to go to a new doctor and have them ask me about my "dads" side of the family? And I'm 30 years old! 

You have a chance to get out of this cycle, you have a chance to be a part of your children's lives, the lives that you helped create and yet, you seem to not even care. After everything your kids have been through, your oldest daughter has repeatedly forgiven you and tried to have a relationship with you, and I've told you numerous times, they need to get angry with you, they need to let you know how they feel and then you can start rebuilding what you lost but you can't go in their faces and demand respect, that's not how the world works. 

If you knew how much I fight for your life everyday, you might feel a bit guilty. Or maybe not, I'm not sure at this point. Knowing the letters I've written on your behalf that you probably don't even know about, how I've talked to your parole officer when you got locked up again, trying to get you paroled out here so you wouldn't have to spend anymore time in prison and possibly get your life back on track, how every morning I start my day off with a cup of coffee and looking up jail records and calling the hospitals to make sure you're okay. I do this not only for myself but for your children, I don't want them to have to tell people "my dad died because of drugs."

You and maybe some other people may get mad at me for posting this and that's okay, I'm not writing this to make friends, I'm writing it because my heart is heavy and hurts for your children. When you're sober, you are an amazing person and could be an amazing father. Right now you're not living, you're going through each day in a drug induced stupor. Do you know how much suffering you would cause to all of us if something were to happen to you? Or do you even care? 

Sadly, as much pain and suffering you have caused your children, I don't hate you. I am very saddened by your actions and wish that I could shield all of your children from ever experiencing any of it, but I can't. All I can do is be there for them when they need someone to yell at or cry to that may understand a little better. I hope that one day you will realize what is going on and that you might try and mend what you have broken, I just hope it's not too late. I do hope the best for you and hope that you do get your life together and have all of things that you have said you wanted. Until then, I will continue to fight for your life for your children and for your children only and I will continue to be on their side, whether they are right or wrong, they are my nieces and nephews and I have to defend them and be the voice of the voiceless. 

Can't Save the World

I haven't written in a while and something has encouraged me to write today. I'm not sure if it's the thought of my Grandma on my mind or other things happening in my life lately, but there are some things that I need to write and feel the need to share.

Just recently someone close to me said to me again, "Sheena, you can't save the world". I understand this, I understand that I cannot change people, people have to change themselves. On the other hand, without people like me there would be a lot more drug addicts dead and a lot more kids living on the streets. Yes, again my mind goes to addiction. So please do not tell me I can't save the world, because I will try one person at a time. When I tell you I love you, it's the truth and I don't give up on the people I love. I may get mad at you and say things that I regret, but I never stop loving you. Once you're in my mind, it's hard to get me to stop thinking/loving you. I guess this is my blessing and my curse in life. I wear my heart on my sleeve and some times I get hurt.

I always go back to this story, but it's the one closest to my heart. My brother suffered from addiction for many years. To this day, I can't watch shows about addiction or even think about it without crying. Even with this said, I continue to do so and continue to educate myself on drug addiction. My brother is and always has been my hero in life. He's always thought he needed to protect me from the evils in life and I think that he did. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for him, I might have ended up as an addict also. In fact, I may be one, just not in the self harm way that he was. I find myself addicted to addiction and the need to help people. Which in some ways causes me just as much pain. I am always thinking about how proud I am of my brother for what he has overcome in such a short period of time. I feel like he has received a second chance on life. At his lowest point I was mad at him because he became everything he said he wouldn't but now I can say, you've been everything you said you wouldn't and you've conquered everything you said you couldn't.

I wish that one day, I could work with recovering addicts and help them heal, because I've been on the opposing side and I think I know just enough to say I've been on the addicts side as well. I'm extremely sensitive and usually can pick up on the pain of some one's addiction. The root behind every addiction is pain. You don't wake up one day from your "normal" happy life and say I would like to stick a needle in my arm and play a game of life or death every day. It just doesn't happen that way. For me my pain and why I'm addicted to addiction is my brother and my brother in-law. My biological father also suffered from addiction, sadly, I couldn't help him, he didn't have someone like me behind him pushing him and telling him he could do it. Maybe if he got to know me, my brother and my sister better, it may have helped, instead he choose to numb his pain with drugs and alcohol. I believe I was able to save my brother and it gives me hope that I may be able to save someone else.

And, people may get mad at me for writing these, but honestly I don't care. It's my outlet, my way of trying to cope with what goes on in my mind. I have hard speaking things out loud but my outlet has always been writing. I saw this letter on Pinterest, yes I know "UGH, Pinterest", but I thought I would share:

 

An Open Letter to My Family (from an addict)

I am a drug-abuser, I need help

Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you - and for myself.

Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame or argue whether I'm stoned or sober. It may make you feel better, but it only makes the situation worse.

Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time, promises are only my way of postponing pain. And don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.

Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.

Don't let your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.

Don't believe everything I tell you. Often I don't even know the truth - let alone tell it.

Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis but it will make my illness worse.

Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues.

Start to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery. I need help - from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from some people in a self-help program who are in recovery from a drug problem themselves - and from a power greater than myself.

Before it's too late and we can't help you anymore.

Not Giving Up

 'There's a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. It's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap."

I would never give up on the ones that I love, I have just become tired of trying to fix everything and everyone. So please don't twist my words around when I write this. I have been overwhelmed with addiction since I knew what the word addiction meant. And on top of trying to "fix" and making their life better, I've also had to try and "fix" my problems and make my life better. It's a heavy burden that has been placed on me. I don't regret a single day that I was consumed by "fixing" my brother or trying to make sure he was and is okay, because in the end it has paid off. But now that I have to deal with it all over again and being kicked while I am down in the process has made me tired of trying. This time it's not my brother, but still someone I care very much for and consider as my brother.

This time not only did we loose him suddenly, in the sense that he moved out of state and pretty much has stopped all contact with us, but I lost out on being the aunt I wanted to be. In one of my previous blogs I wrote how I wanted to be the aunt that my nieces and nephews could turn to for advice, advice they couldn't get from their Mom and Dad, I wanted to be the aunt that they would always remember as being fun and doing things with them. When she left, my heart was torn into more than two pieces, it was shattered. There was something about her that drew me to her and I wanted and still want to always be there for her. I can't describe the feeling that I felt the night that she was gone and the feeling I still get when I look at something that reminds me of her. It took me a good two weeks before I was able to fall asleep without holding her pink sock monkey. 

At this very moment, if someone were to ask me if I am mad at what happened, I would answer honestly, hell yes I'm fucking mad. I'm not mad at any person really, I'm mad at the addiction, mad at the pain it causes families. I'm mad that a person would allow an addiction that will eventually lead to their own death get in the way of happiness and growth. The addiction most certainly becomes the families addiction and it is the most selfish act I've witnessed.  

I think that this hurts me more because not only is my son being effected by it now and is old enough to realize that this person is "sick", but I've tried so much and it seems to go unnoticed. I would give the shirt off my back if it would mean that he would get better and be the person I know he can be. Would I change what we did for him in the past? Absolutely not. As stupid as this sounds, maybe I would have tried harder.

I'm not sure how many people can relate to what I am feeling and for those of you who can relate to it, I truly am sorry and I don't wish this feeling upon anyone. It really does make your whole body ache, your stomach turn, and your heart becomes very heavy. I tried to take a step in overcoming my addition to him by just removing any contact I could have with him, but my brain doesn't shut off and subconsciously, I was still contacting him. I held onto that hope that I would get an answer back and that he would be okay. But once again my hope was crushed. I still hold onto that hope and am trying to remember not to be disappointed by the outcome.

I have to also try and remember that I can still be there for all my nieces and nephews despite the addiction and I need to be there for them no matter what is said or done.

"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in your hearts forever, even if you are long ago gone in their hearts." It's a sad feeling but it's something I have to accept.

Let's end it on this

My heart is heavy, my mind is tired.
It's a heavy burden that has been placed upon me,
yet, I still let it take control and can't let things be.
When I see your face or hear your voice,
It takes all of my being not to cry because of your choice.
I don't think you realize how important you are to me,
I don't think you realize how things could be.
Instead of letting us help you, you choose to use your vice,
and nothing we do or say will change your way.

You don't know how long it's been since my mind hasn't wondered,
Is he okay, is dead?
I've been plagued by this vice since the day I was born.
No one can change who I am, It's who I've become because of this choice.
Even when I sit in the corner and no one hears my voice.
I don't understand how one could choose this path,
I wish I could get it through to you and let you do the math.
Instead it's just one more sip from the bottle, one more hit from the pipe, one more prick from a needle, just one more night...

You see in the past and I had a dream, a fantasy,
I thought that it would last,
Then one, two, three, four, the months were flying by
They soared, and it's my gut feeling
It's not happening, so...

Let's end it on this
Give me one last goodbye

You see it's hard to face, the addict that's inside of me
I want to fill my glass up, with you constantly,

make sure you're okay, make sure you're who I know you can be, 
I've been here before, but I've never ever felt this sure.
And now I know I've been dreaming,
And your actions, have insulted me.

I open up, you ignore me, you've changed and you're not the same at all,
And if I could turn back the pages of time I'd rewrite your point of view,
Washed up to the shore, given one last chance
To try some more, but I'm tired, I'm freezing
Let's stop and call it history

A Little Piece of My Heart

Once again my addiction has gotten the best of me and addiction has plagued my family. As much as we try to put it in the back of our heads, it just can't be done. There is always something going through our head wondering and worrying. I know on our part it's something we can not control, but on the addicts side it's one of the most selfish acts I know of. I've come to realize this and realize as much as we try we can not control some one's life. We always will want the best for our loved ones and for our family, but sometimes the cards aren't laid out as we wish.

This last time addiction took a hold of my every thought, it took a piece of my heart along with it. I can't tell you how bad it hurt and still to do this day don't know the reason behind any of it. In the end though, I can say I'm extremely happy I got to spend the time I did with those I love. I can't say if it will be last time I will say bye to someone or say I love you to someone, but as long as I know I did and will continue to, I can't do anything else.

It's an awful disease that controls some one's every thought and resource and as much as we try to fix the person, we can't fix anything if they don't want to be fixed. I just hope that everyone knows that there is help out there and there are people who will support and love you, if you choose to take the path of recovery. I always tell people, if someone has asthma or diabetes would we not want them to get help? Addiction is the same thing, yes the person has a choice to pick up the needle, the pipe, the bottle of beer, but sometimes the addict in them takes control and they can't stop. Behind every addict there is a sad and lonely person and someone who needs help and doesn't know how to ask. You don't pick up the habit of numbing your feelings because you're happy with your life, you pick up the habit because you can't process the reality of a situation.

No matter the person who has this illness, it's often the loved one's who suffer the most. And it's always the children who play the silent victim. The best thing we can do for any person with this illness, as much as it pains us, is to let them hit rock bottom and let them come to us and say enough is enough, I need help.

I'm not a fan of 2pac but the lyrics in this song are pretty meaningful in a situation like this. I hope that someone in this situation gets help before it becomes to late.

The silent victim

As I was cleaning the house this morning I was thinking about how many people and families are effected by addiction and how people truly are naive about this horrific diease. I realize that people do have choices in their life and can choose to not become part of a statistic. Maybe that's my addiction is thinking to much about pepole who have been effected and about people who struggle with it.

I've come to realize that even the families of a person who is addicted to drugs can be naive and sometimes worse than strangers. And sadly, children are often the silent victim of drug abuse. The children that are brought into this world were not asked to be born, yet they were given to us as a gift. If you abuse that gift then you have to face the consequences.

I asked my self this several times over the passed few days, would we want to be in a world where we could not see our children grow, smile, learn, laugh, or become the people they are molding themselves into? Would we want to be far away from them and not know what or how they are being treated. Every day we choose to agrue and fight brings us that much closer to being pushed away. Then again, the silent victim become the one that suffers. People often make their children the chess players, if you will, in their life and how they play their games. The challenge of this power is how to use it and not to abuse it. When you abuse it, it reverses on you and only hurts the innocent.

The most important thing to remember when coping with addition or someone who is an addict is they need support. If they don't have the support they need they will fall right back into the habits they have become accustomed to. I also want to make a point of how important family really is and how it can effect a person, negative or positive. One day someone can be right by your side and the next you may never be able to speak to them again. Life is to short to be mad and angry. Remeber also, who has been by your side and who has not.

We've all chosen the situations we've put ourselves in, the only person you can truly count on is yourself. You have to make the choice to over come any obsticles in your way, you have the power to say no, and only you have the power to take your self out of the situation or make the best out of it. We can not change the past, we can not predict the future, we can only make the best out of the present.

You've become what you despise

If it's not one thing it another right? At least, that's the way it seems in my life right now. We've got one addiction taken care of for right now and in comes another. I feel like all I do is fight addiction for other people. It literally makes my stomach hurt. Recently, my son has come across music that he likes and one artist was Katy Perry. Never did I think that a song of hers would make me cry, but I was wrong. I've changed some of the words, for obvious reasons but this song fits perfectly.

This is the last time you say
After the last line you break
It's not even a holiday
Nothing to celebrate
You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for everytime
I'd overbank

Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your addiction
You could've been the greatest
But you'd rather get wasted
You fall asleep during the day
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down

Wanna be your sister
Not your f****** mother
Can't be your saviour
I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain

You say you have to write your rhymes
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despiseA stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll
But you're really just a joke
Had the world in the palm of your hands
But you f****** choked

Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me
You won't remember in the morning

And another one.....

Somethings in life we can not change, somethings we can not predict, and most things we can not control. Everyone in their lives have made mistakes, done things they regret, and hurt people they did not mean to hurt. In every one's life journey we hope out of all of these faults, we come out stronger, wiser, and able to be more acceptable of things and people around us. In our many struggles in life, there are always people along the way that make an impact in our lives, change the way we think, and sometimes the course our life is going to take. In my life I have been very lucky and have surrounded my self by people who have changed my life for the better. I have chosen to become a better person, despite what I could have become. Yes there are things that I do regret, things that I wish I could change, things I wish I did not do, but I have come out stronger, wiser and I am able to be more understanding to those people around me who struggle with things I can relate to.

There is one person in my life who I can honestly say has impacted my life the most, and I hate to keep bringing this up but I feel the need to continue to write about this and continue to cope with my addiction. This person is my brother. My brother has struggled and is still struggling with addition, with his struggle I also struggle. Everyday I learn something new, I think I've seen and heard all that I can hear, then a new day comes and I am wrong. I know that my brother has made bad choices, has hurt many people along the way, has become a product of what we all did not want him be. But for those people who still think my brother is this person, I think these people should realize this is because you are close minded, do not have a heart to forgive. You have to remember that people do and can change, people can surprise you. Through all our struggles, I know he is not 100 percent better, but I do know one thing, he is trying, he is regretful for everything he has put not only his family, but his friends through.

For someone to sit there and still look down upon my brother or any person who has struggled with this horrible disease and are trying to get recover, brings me feelings I can not even describe. Feelings that I do not even want to accept, because I am not sure what will be done or said. All I know and all I can say, is that as of right now, I am proud of the obstacles my brother has over come. He has proved to me that he can do anything he puts his mind to, he can achieve his dreams if he tries. I do know that he has a lot more obstacles ahead of him and a lot more things to prove to me, to be able to gain my trust completely, but for the time being, I can't do much but be there for him.

To those people who are so closed minded to hold one judgement upon someone, I feel sorry for them. It shows that some people are still brought up to think that no one makes mistakes and that everyone is perfect. I feel sorry for these people, whose minds don't let them think freely, who are so controlled by society that they can not realize that there are good in people even if they have done bad things.  

I just hope with the many years to come, I can show my son how to be a good person, how to see the good in people, even if they have chosen to do bad things in the past. Addiction is a disease that controls your mind and body. It creates you to do things you would not normally do when you are sober, it creates a monster inside of you that you did not know was there.

Okay, so my addiction has gotten the best of me again.............

Okay, so my addiction has gotten the best of me again. As I was driving to pick up lunch today, I noticed the Arizona Department of Correction (ADC) workers on the side of the road. They were doing some landscaping, which you see often, at least in Arizona. I often just look the other way and not even think twice, but today something inside me triggered my addiction (my not by choice addiction).... My brothers.


This story goes back about 6 years ago, so I won't go into much detail but as much of you know my brother and brother in-law both spent time in jail and prison. I can't help but think about what it was like in there. I know both of them are currently out of the system, but it still creeps into my mind all the time. Every time I see a show about prison, I think of both of them and almost immediately start crying. Now, I've never been to jail or prison so I don't know what it actually is like inside those walls, but from what I've seen and heard it's a life I don't want to ever see and I wish that no one else I know ever has to again.


My brother about a year and half ago, was arrested again for a probation violation. Of course, because our judicial system is not the best it took sometime for him to actually be sentenced. In the meantime, he could not be released on bail, because in their mind they already gave him a chance and he blew it. I do agree that if you do the crime, you pay the price, however, with that being said I remember the day of his sentencing. We should up on that morning, he came into the room in his orange suite chained to the other inmates and looked at me and said two years. Now, I did get in trouble for trying to talk to him while in custody, but as soon as I saw the two years, my heart fell to the floor. I could not imagine, first of all, my life with out my brother for two years, and second of all his life in prison. He would never be the same person I knew. As we waited for the judge to make his decision, we were all on the edge of seats. Someone, or something was watching us that day because the judge changed his mind and sentenced him to a year in the county jail. A year is a long time, but at least it's not prison. At least we could still visit him every Sunday. A year later when it was his release date, I was the one who picked him from that stupid green building, just me and his nephew. I don't know how happy he was to see us, but I can tell you it was one of the happiest day I've had.

I did not know my brother in-law before he went in the prison system, I just knew him after the fact. Of course, I heard his stories and knew that my husband loved him. Without even knowing him, he became my brother. I remember the day he got off the plane, only being two days out after serving 5 years. It was once again an overwhelming experience. Here is this man, who I had only seen in pictures and I loved him like his was my own brother. To this day, I'm not sure if he really knows this, but he is my brother. I've always heard the saying you can't choose your blood, but can sure as hell pick your family. He too has become part of my addiction, making sure he is okay, making sure he stays clean and out of trouble. Even though he is living in Illinois now, I still can't help but worry and try to keep my distance.

Now, with this being said and having experience with our current judicial system and seeing the ACD workers today, it makes my heart go out to them. I know that some people truly belong in prison for whatever reason, and maybe what my brother and brother in-law did, they did deserve to serve there time. It just makes me mad that there is such a stigma on people that have been in jail, when you have two men like my two older brothers, who wouldn't hurt a fly (unless of course provoked). I know how hard it is for people like this to start over from the bottom with people looking and thinking about them as if they just murdered someone. It's hard for them find jobs, to rent a place to live, sometimes even find good friends who they can trust. My hope is one day to have this stigma of them being "bad people" be gone and try and help rehabilitate them, help them live in a normal society once being released into the "normal" world.

Again, I sit here and cry as I write these words because they might sound like a bunch of jumble to you, but to me having people look at them as they are monsters breaks my heart. All I can do, as I said before, is sit back and watch and hope they know that I am and always will be here for them, always.

Addiction

Lately I've seen a lot of people starting blogs. At first, I was a little turned off, thought it was to personal. Then I started to think about things, I've set several goals for my self for 2011, one of which is to be more open with people and not hold back when I need to share. I thought this might be a good way for me to start.


The last fours years of my life have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. There have been good and bad, but in all I have learned from every single one. In the past four years I have gotten married, gave birth to the most amazing little boy in the entire world, lost two little angels that I love dearly, lost one of the most important people in my life  (my grandmother), saw my best friend give birth to another (most) amazing little boy in the entire world, I have helped my brother cope with his addiction, met my brother in-law for the first time, and saw my brother in-law leave us at the same time, I also have have found and met my sister, in which I have been searching for, for the past ten years, and I have also started a new position in my career, in which has brought me to the realization of what I want to do with my life. Each experience has brought a little light in to my life letting me know I can make it another day, I can move past this, I can move on in life and still be okay. To be honest, I know I would not be able to cope with any of this with out the support of my husband and my best friend, but I still have done it and am doing it.


I could probably sit here and write a book about my life experiences but something tells me that I should write about my brother today. I don't even know where to begin, from the time we were little, it was me and him against the world. Our biological farther was non existent in our lives, and yes we grew up with the most amazing step-father, or should I say Dad in the whole world, but it still was not the same. ( I don't think I've said those words out loud.) I have always thought of my brother as my leader, my guidance, my everything. Then one day he changed, I guess I didn't want to believe the person he had become was true. He had become someone I didn't know. It is always true what they say the addict in your family becomes your addiction. He had/has consumed my life with making sure he does not relapse, does not stumble across the wrong path. It's easier said then done, when people often tell me, let it go, you can't control him. To me, he is my world, if something were to happen to him, I would be lost.

My addiction to my brother, has become an addiction of my own. I don't think he realizes how much he really does mean to me and how much it hurts me to see him go in that state of life. Over the last year and half he has become sober and has had his ups and downs with getting a job and getting his life back together. He literally had to start from the bottom all over again. He had no job, no house, no cloths, he had nothing. I've seen him go from this stage into his life to now, he has a car, a good job, is on his way to getting his own place to live. Words can not describe how proud I am of him. With this being said, it is still a struggle I deal with everyday not to be "addicted" to him. It is very hard for me to trust him, every time he is a little off, I often question him. Are you using again, what are doing, where are you going? I know in his head he is sick of all the questions, but for feeding my own "addiction" I need to know.

When I often talk to people about addiction, I say I don't know what it's like to be addicted to anything, I've never been addicted to drugs. I guess I'm wrong, this may not be a substance that I am addicted to, I am addicted to my brother's life. I don't know when the time will come when I actually do stop being addicted to him, but I hope with time I can recover from addiction as well. My whole life has become this person who wants to help people fight addiction, I have recently re enrolled in school, with a degree in social work specializing in substance abuse. I know what addiction does to a family and I know it becomes the lowest point in some one's life, it eats away at every part of your body, it needs to be fed by whatever means possible. An addict is not the same person that person once was. Addicts are almost like wild animals, wanting that next fix, that next high, their next meal. My hope is that one day, my brother will be live a normal, happy life with kids and a wife. For right now, it's him against the world and all we can do is hope.