Undone

Since I can't find the video to this song yet, I can't share this song with anyone, so I thought I'd just share the lyrics. This is from No Doubt's new album and as many of you know, they are my favorite band. Not just because of the music they play but also because of the lyrics they write. This song gave me goosebumps from the moment I heard it. It would probably mean more to everyone else if you could hear Gwen sing it.

"Undone"

I'm broke,
Let me show you where it hurts.
I'm trying to be brave
This wasn't in my plan and nothing you can do, I've changed.

It's such a waste

I'm undone
And there's nothing I can do this time, it's all out of my hands,
And just when I was getting good.
Why's it have to end?
I don't understand

And don't leave me behind,
This time I need you, nothing's feeling right
Oh, I'm in trouble, help me,
No one needs you more than me.

I know,
I made you feel like you were lucky to have me.
But now I'm panicking, I'm lost, you're the one I need,
Be patient please,
And don't leave me behind,
This time I need you, nothing's feeling right,
'Cause I'm in trouble, help me,
No one needs you more than me.

Change me back,
Please, change me back,
I don't know who I am anymore,
I can't take it anymore.

And don't leave me behind.
This time I need you, nothing's feeling right.
'Cause I'm in trouble, help me.
No one needs you more than me.

No one needs you more than me.

Saying Goodbye...

From day one, it has always been my brother and I against the world. If anyone hurt me, he'd be right by my side, if anyone or anything hurt him, I was right by his side. He and I have been through a lot together and it seems very unlikely that our relationship will change, despite the many miles that will come between us here soon. I've helped my brother through his troubles and have learned from his mistakes, and in a way I think it's part of what made me who I am today. I remember being 4 or 5 and always having to write down in school who was your hero and without hesitation I always wrote my brothers name. As we grew up and I become a mom and a wife, my perspectives have changed and I have more than one hero now, but my brother will always remain my first hero. He could always pick on me and call me names, but he would be damned if someone else called me any name. And as he went through his "troubles" I was always the first one by his side, sticking up for him and even though at sometimes, what he was doing wasn't "right", I always took his side. He truly has been the best brother anyone could ask for and I am very lucky to have him in my life. I am also very proud of everything that he has overcome in the last year. He has rebuilt his life and is now able to be proud of what he does and who he is. I only hope that it stays that way and he doesn't fall into another cycle.

As I was driving to get Jaidyn yesterday, it suddenly hit me that in just about two weeks, I would have to say bye to my brother, the rest of my family and my amazing friends. I know it's not bye forever, it's a see you later, but this is something that I have never had to deal with before. Anytime my brother went somewhere, I was right behind him. I know what I am doing is best for my family and I know the reason why I have to do what I have to do and I am happy about our decision, it's just going to be some hard adjusting on my part.

The last few weeks, it's suddenly hit me that this is actually going to happen, my job has been replaced at work, Shane's last week of work is next week, we've paid for the rental truck, my mom has taken the time off work to drive with me the whole 22 hours it takes to get there. And I honestly don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to anyone. For the last 27 years I've lived in one place and over the years, I've gained and lost some friends, but the friends and family I have now, I couldn't ask for better. I really loved my job and I don't know if I will find anything that equals it. I don't mean to sound so sad, because I know I will have a loving family where we are going and I know that I will make new friends, but the one's I've made here have changed my life forever.

I wish I could write a letter to each and everyone that has been and is a part of my life, but honestly I don't think emotionally I can take that. If I don't seem upset about leaving, please don't let that fool you, inside I'm a mess. I've made a lot of sacrifices for the ones I love, especially my brother and my brother in-law, and I think now is the time that I need to worry about my little family and do what we think is best for us. I don't know what our life will be like in Illinois, but I do know that we have family support there and here (hopefully) and I will always have my husband and my beautiful son. As long as my son is happy, then I have no other choice but to be happy, because at the end of the day, that's what matters.

So, I guess this blog is a letter to everyone that has touched my life and I have been blessed to know and become close to. I don't want anyone to think that because we are moving that I love anyone less or that I will suddenly stop talking to everyone. I have no intention of leaving and never looking back. I know sometimes life gets busy and I may not be able to update everyone on a weekly basis but I will try my hardest to keep in touch as often I can.

I don't know how I will be able to say goodbye to my babies in my life. For them, I want each and everyone of them to know how much I truly love them and would give my life for each and everyone. I want them to know that I will always be there for them, even though I may be 1200 miles away, I am never a phone call away. I will always be here to answer your questions that you may not want to ask your parents, I will always be here to give you hair advice, to give you make-up advice, to support you in any decisions that you make. Before I leave, I will write a letter to each of you for you to read when you get older and know I truly love you more than you will ever understand.

This has been one the hardest decisions I have had to make and I'm not sure I can say goodbye. I've come across to quotes that I want to share because they mean so much to me right now and I need to keep them close to I will never forget. As our new life begins in Illinois, I will try and keep my blog updated with the things Jaidyn is doing and learning and keep everyone up to date, so for my family and friends that don't look at this frequently, please do so in the future. I love everyone more than anyone can ever know.

"Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

"Never say goodbye. Because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting." - Peter Pan

Always Wonder....

Do you ever wonder why people come into your life? Why a person is born, what your life would be like if you never met this person? I wonder all the time, why I've met the people I have and why they were placed into my life. There are things we do in life that we have to, things we do because we want to and there are things we do because we were born to do them. This statement couldn't be more true. I look at just recently the events that have happened in my life and sometimes I wonder why did this have to happen to me and my family? Why was this put on my shoulders to worry about, to think about, to always be making sure everything is ok? Then I sit back and I have to think, maybe there was a reason why. Maybe it's because I was born to help these people, maybe I was born to need these people, because without them, my life wouldn't be complete, even if the situation is not ideal.

You know, really I'm a lot of talk. I'll be the first to admit this. I always say, it's the last time I'm going to help someone, it's going to be the last time I let my heart become attached to someone, it's the last time I'm going to trust someone, and I act like I'm the tough guy, but the truth is I'm not. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and if a person asked for my help, I'd be the first one to help him. Despite everything that is said and done, at the end of the day, it still hurts me to see someone in pain. I'd probably give the shirt off my back, if it meant that I knew they would be okay and be safe and not harmful to themselves any longer. Even though I've heard a million and one times that I shouldn't and I should let it go. Not only have I been told this, but I've been through it, I've been kicked when I was down, my heart has been stepped on when I lent it out, I've cried tears because of my kindness.

There's a saying that you can't choose your blood but you can choose your family, well I've chosen mine and despite what anyone says, I can't give up trying. Not now, and maybe not ever, maybe not until the day I die, or the person dies. I often want to take away their illness and bring the pain upon my self and I know that can't be done but it literally hurts my every being to see someone choose a bad path in life. Because I know that they don't "choose" to be the way they are, it's a simple fact they don't know how to cope with the reality of the way their brain works, how to mend what's been broken. Maybe somethings in life can't be fixed, but the things that can be mended are what makes starting over all worth it.

I hope that what has happened recently will eventually lead me to a reason and I will figure out why it all happened the way it did, but until then I have to hold onto some hope. Even if it is just one thing I see on face book, letting me know they are okay, or one picture that is actually responded to. I have to believe that there is still some good in the evil that has take over. I have to believe that there is a reason that another baby was taken from me, that maybe the little bit of time she did spend here with me was something that I needed for something in the future. I have to believe that everything that I said and did because I was angry will be forgiven and it will always remind me to taste my words before I speak them.

Don't let me be misunderstood

This song came up on my play list the other day and every time I hear it I always think I need to post this somewhere. I think that the message is really important. Some people who are incarcerated are for drug offenses and maybe if our system had a program for these offenders and offered them help when the were released, our world would be a little different. Most offenders don't have support on the outside and turn to the life of crime that led them to the system in the first place. Why wouldn't they? They'll have three meals, a roof over their heads, a bed. And guess who pays for it, we do, yet we let rapist, sex offenders, and murders wonder our streets and live a few feet away from schools. We also let serious offenders be released on bail and sit on trial for two, three years before they are even sentenced. Meanwhile, they are still on the streets committing crimes and living their lives like nothing ever happened.

"I was watching TV the other day right and there is this white guy up there talking about black guys, talking about how young black guys are targeted. Targeted by who? America. You see one in every 100 Americans are locked up, one in every nine black Americans are locked up, and you see what the white guy was trying to stress was that, the money we spend on sending another mother fucker to jail, would be less to send his or her young ass to college. See, and another thing the white guy was stressing was that our jails are populated with drug dealers, you know crack cocaine stuff like that. Meaning due to the laws we have on crack cocaine and regular cocaine, police are only, I don't want to say only right, but shit, only logic by riding around in the hood all day and not the suburbs. Because crack cocaine is mostly found in the hood. And you know the other thing that is mostly found in you know where I'm going but why bring a mother fucker to jail if it's not going stand up in court because this drug ain't that drug, you know level 3, level 4 drug, shit like that, I guess it's all a misunderstanding.

I sit back and think, you know us young mother fuckers, you know that 1 in 9, we're probably only selling the crack cocaine because we are in the hood, and it's not like in the suburbs, we don't have what you have. Why? I really don't wanna know the answer, I guess we are just misunderstood.

You know we don't have room in the jail now for the real mother fuckers, the real criminals, sex offenders, rapists, serial killers. Don't get scared though. I know you've seen one them sex offenders papers, but don't trip he lives right on the end of your block. Mhm yeah, that guy lives right down the street from you, sex offender on the level three drug, convicted ex-con, yeah check him out. Watch what you got, you got a daughter, son, what you got? You know what, I have a fucking daughter, you understand me and why the fuck would you bring my neighbor to jail just because the reason why he lives next door to me, isn't the same reason I live next door to him. Meaning he didn't rap his way to my neighborhood, he sold crack cocaine to get to my neighborhood. You move him out bring him to jail for life and then you move in with a sex offender? Hey you gave me a paper though right? Is that a misunderstanding because I didn't understand it.

Another thing, let me take my glasses off because I wanna see the reaction on there faces when I say this, this is why I don't respect you and nobody like you, see your the type that gets off on getting on other people. That's not good, rather un-human, I should say, I mean giving the fact that humanity were a good humanity, rather to me is helping one another no matter your color or race but this guy and people like him, they'd rather speculate before they informate, if that's even a word, you know spec before you check. Anyways meaning I'd much rather you talk to me first and see if you can lend an opinion before you link one, just my thought of good humanity. Mr. Sharpton, hold on I'm not finished with you man, Mr. Sharpton and anyone like you, you don't know me, so if your not going to try to then what you say or think about me are, whatever, it's totally Casper the friendly ghost to me and it doesn't make you a good person to criticize before you improvise. Doesn't necessarily make you a bad person either but the characteristics for heavenly into bads way,but since I am human I am good and bad, as well but I try my hardest to stay good. These other things I do and say may be bad or just not to good, but I do try, so with that said I don't vote you, I mean your only human, good or bad but I also don't respect you and I don't care if that's good or bad. You see your are no MLK, you are no Jesse Jackson, you are nobody, to me, your just another Don King with a perm, just a little more political and that just means you're a little un-human then use humans, and now let me be human."

Today's become tomorrow before I wanted it to be...

Broken promises are around for my mind war, and my accomplishment's are interrogating me,
Today's become tomorrow before I wanted it to be,
And desperate discussions,
The start of the destruction,
I'll be fine, because I'm under construction everyone,
So you'll have to mind the mess,
I'm under some construction.

I always had to try harder, I never really could keep up
Sitting in the corner with my illness and bad luck,
But in this humble place I'm feeling like red wine,
And I hope to get better with some time,
I'll be fine, with some time, I'll be fine.

I concentrate on empty spaces,
A passive pondering of blackness,
Sit down, shut up, uncontroled obsessions
Your absence, it exhausts me
I always panic when I'm left.

Today I feel destructive,
Today who cares about myself,
I'll live in denial,
And I'll beat up my head,
And I'll eat all the chocolate.

I can't control my feelings,
I sip on dreams and choke on real things,
Detatch myself of preservation.

The fears start coming when I forget,
I always panic when I'm left.

Today is gonna be simple,
My heart will go lazy,
No one to impress,
No smile is required.

Trying to find a balance

I've come to realize that we can not change our past, we can not predict the future, we can only learn from our past and hope that our future takes the path you want it to. We're given the hands we were dealt with and it's up to us to decide how we want to play them. We have the choice to change what we have become and to change the path our future takes. The only person you can truly depend on is yourself.

I've been very blessed with amazing friend, family, nieces, and nephews. Each day I realize a little bit more about the hand that I was dealt and what path I want my future to take. I'm trying not to take things so personally, I'm trying not to care so much about what I can not control. I know that I have a big heart and most of the time I wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes, I get hurt in the end. In all that I've done, I can honestly say that it was meant well.

Sometimes in reaching out to those you love isn't easy and sometimes they don't want your help. I know this and I know that every support that person has makes them one step closer to being okay. I can not save the world, but I can try one person at a time, starting with the ones I love. I guess I have to find my balance.

Wedding Day

On our wedding day, I thought of these words in my head. Sometimes we both forget. Sometimes it's hard, and we were dealt these hands in cards, so let's play them and make the best of what we were given.

Run, running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me, I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most

And I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up, lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Running, running, as fast as we can
Do you think you'll make it?
We're running, keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

Be, be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me

Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
I really hope you'll make it
We're running, keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

They can all get f**ked, just stay true to you....

I've been trying to figure out a way to express what's been going on, there isn't really a way to express it. I was on my way to work this morning and my iPod was on shuffle and this song came up, it fits my feelings pretty much. I had to share it and had to make my voice count. Seems like lately, I've been on the back burner of so many. I've been trying to keep my head up and just think about my son, sometimes it's just hard.


Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick this shit back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick up this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Every thing's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Sheena you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes


Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Grandma always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

To my babies
Stay strong, Mommy and Auntie will always be here

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

Last time

This is the last time, you say
After the last time today.
Not even sure what I did
Nothing to hide, but my pain

You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for every time
I'd own the bank

Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your past
You were the greatest
But you'd rather contiue the chase

You don't even listen to what I say
'Cause the game you'd rather play
I try to make you see,
I'd rather not be the the one to say,
but sometimes it just is that way.
I don't want to be the bad guy,
I'd rather be on your side.

Wanna be your lover, and not you're fucking back up plan
Can't be your savior, I don't have the power

You say you have to do what's right,
Whatever, if it helps you sleep at night

You've become what you despise

You had the world in the palm of your hands
But your fucking choking

You should be my teammate
I thought I could change your fate
You say that you love me
But you don't ever show me.

All I do is try,
I'm sorry I can't be what you want,
Seems like all I do is cry.
All I want is for you to come back.

With this being the last blog I post on Facebook, I want to say thank you for those of you have read them and thank you for those who will continue to read them. Somethings in my life just need to change. I've tried all I could, I've given all my efforts, I'm out of answers.

If you're coming over to see my house please make an appointment....

Really I haven't had any thing to write about in the past few weeks. Even though my mind goes a mile a minute, it's been hard to actually sit down and write about anything. When you are a full time mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and work full time, things can often get a little crazy. I often try and tell my self to calm down, to take it one day at a time. There are more important things in life, but like anything else, it's easier said than done. With having a three year old, you often wonder if you are doing the right thing, are you teaching them the skills they need to begin school, are you doing the right thing to make them ready for life. I guess we don't know the answers to these questions until the day they are actually grown and you can see the life they have created for themselves and the life you helped guide.

My sister and I are 5 years apart, so I remember her being little and when she did her first things. I remember when she was about 3 or 4, she started signing songs and I always thought it was hilarious that this little annoying person (at least that's what I thought she was at the time) could even know the words to the songs. Now as I became a parent and have a three year old, I remember these memories and it makes me sad a lot of times to think how big my son has gotten and that he is now going to form his own opinions, his own thoughts, his own likes and dislikes. Sometimes he knows more about current music than I do. He recently has come home and started signing songs from the radio that I have no clue who signs them. The songs I do know, I try to get for him and of course we listen to them at least 5 times on the way to and from school. So needless to say, I know all the words to I'm sexy and I know it.

You often hear things about "terrible twos", I don't believe a word of that. Not that three is a bad age, but it defiantly makes a person sit and think about the important things in life. He seems to make my days go by faster, he always makes me smile daily, he always pushes my buttons daily, and he always manages to make me yell at least once a day. I often have to take a step back and remember he still is little, he still can cry and need his Mommy, he still is not capable of explaining his every need or want. I think most of this is because he acts so much older than he actually is. Every day though he manages to teach me something new and makes me think about things in a different way.

As much as I write about addiction and about the things in my life that could be better, I always need to remember that there is the most amazing little boy who needs me, who wants me, who makes my life and every day events that much better.

I just wanted to end this with a quote that someone posted on Face book. I think it holds true to any mother. I realize that sometimes I am a little obsessive about cleaning and keeping things clean:

Dirty dishes prove I feed my family. Full trash can means I clean up after them. Messy floors mean I let my child have fun. Pile of unfolded laundry means I keep my family in clean clothes. Wet bathroom means my kid took a shower! So the next time you walk into my house and see a "mess" think twice before you judge. If you come over to see us, come on in...if you're coming over to see my house please make an appointment. 



Buggie....

When I started this journey of motherhood 3 and half years ago, never did I think my days would be filled with superheros and hot wheels. From the day he was born and I looked in his big brown eyes, I knew he was meant for greatness. Everyday I learn, see and hear something new. Never did I think I would be cutting some one's hair like Peter Parker or Iron man, but my son has managed to make these magical things happen. Everyday he teaches me something new and everyday he learns something new.

When I started this journey I tried to do everything by the book, I read every baby book I could, I read every article I could, then again Jaidyn managed to teach me that you can't go by books, you can't rely on articles, you have to rely on your heart. He has taught me to believe, to dream, to feel, to make things happen that I could have never thought possible.

When I started this journey never did I think my nights would be filled with story book readings, kisses, and snuggles. I never thought I would be putting a sleeping angel to bed. And again he taught me that watching him sleep is the best thing I could see all day.

When I started this journey I did know one thing, that my son, my angel, my star, my everything, would help me breathe, help me get through my struggles, my life and make things better. I did know that with just one look into his eyes I would know what love is, I would know what laughter is and I would know what happiness is.

I can't imagine my life any other way, I can't imagine what it would be like without having this amazing little person in my life. He has helped me grow, helped me breathe, helped me laugh, helped me be a better person. I believe everything happens for a reason and he was brought into my life and brought into this world for a reason. I don't know what his calling is yet, but I do know it will be great and he was brought into my world so I wouldn't feel lost, I would be able to keep my head up, I would be able to smile even though I don't feel like it.