As life continues to go on in my new adventure, it becomes a little harder for me to deal with everything that has happened, just in 2012. I started this year out thinking our life would still be in our little house in Arizona and me working for an organization that I loved. I really thought I would be there for years, but things do change and we have to move on. I thought Jaidyn would still be able to play with his best friends and go to school right down the street from our house. Never did I think that my life would take a complete 180 and go from loosing a little girl that holds a key to my heart, to getting her back, to dealing once again with an addiction that is more powerful than anything, becoming a part of my three nieces and nephews lives and moving across the country. I never thought I would be sitting here writing this in the middle of Illinois. This year has been an emotional roller coaster and I am ready for it to be a new year and to start over.
Don't get me wrong, the move we made was for the best for our family and I've gained new family from doing so. Family that has been very supportive and helpful and loving, but there is still a hole in my heart from leaving my home town. I guess it also hurt because there are some people who weren't very supportive in our decision and have shut us out because of their own heart ache. And I think what is worse is that it hurts my son more than it does me. You can't judge our choices without knowing our reasons. And our reasons had nothing to do with anyone but our family.
Things have been a struggle for me here, Jaidyn's attitude changed a lot and I think it's hard for him also and being 4 he doesn't know how to express what he's feeling. I do think he is happier here and has been able to experience new things, things he would never have been able to in Arizona. I know that I haven't been the nicest to my husband, but sometimes I don't mean to. I know he thinks I hate him for moving here and I truly don't. I just want him to understand that I have never lived anywhere but Arizona and have never lived this far away from my Mom. It will take me time to get used my new environment and find my place here. In a way I feel a little out of place. I know that no one here has created that or wanted that, but I can't help but feel like an outsider looking in. Things are so much different in the mid-west and anyone who hasn't experienced it is probably thinking I'm full of it, but it's the truth. I try every day to try and stay positive and pretend like I'm doing okay, but sometimes I'm not. I want to be able to call my best friend and go to her house, or call my mom and go to the mall with her. I want to get up and go to work and actually have money to go out and do things.
Without the pictures of my nieces and nephews in my head I don't know how I could actually do this. They have made the move a little easier and I'm extremely happy I am able to help them in anyway I can. I know that the older ones don't really know me and who knows, maybe don't want to get to know me, but at least that I know that I am here for them in anyway they need me to be. I know that if they call me, day or night, I will help them with what I can. I know that Lillian will now be able to get to know me and hopefully I can be the Auntie I always wanted to be.
Every day is a little different, some are easier and some are harder, but I know I can do this and I know that everything will be okay in time. I found a quote yesterday that really moved me and I am really going to try and remember this every day.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway."
Showing posts with label New Chapter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Chapter. Show all posts
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Starting Over
We're slowing settling into our new life in Illinois, well I really should say I'M settling into the new life here. My husband and son settled in before we even got here. I won't lie, I've had my ups and downs and there are days worse than others. There are some days where I think to myself "What the hell did I do?" I left a job that I loved, I left my brother and the rest of my family. But then I sit back and I think about my nieces and nephews and how good this is for my son and husband and it seems to get a little better. Even as I sit here and write just these few lines, I start to cry. I've never been this far away from home, I've only been separated by a few miles not a few states. I've recently had a few interviews for jobs and one of the questions that was asked to me was what is the most difficult decision you've had to make and without hesitation I said "Moving to Illinois." If it wasn't for the love and support from my husband's family here, I don't think I could have done this. I might have already been begging for my job back and on a plane home.
In moving here though, I did find out who is truly our family and friends. I know that some people weren't happy about us moving, but they supported us and gave us the guidance that we needed. Some people became bitter and don't seem to understand why we chose to move. I never thought I would see the day when someone would stop talking to me and/or treating me the same way because of choice I made to better our family. Some days, I do think was this really better for our family, but at the end of the day and the help of friends and family it's said to me "I am where I'm suppose to be." It makes my heart heavy to think that we may loose contact with some people because of this choice but at least we know who really would be there for us in the end.
I did recently get a job at an organization called Macon Resources. It seems like an amazing place to work and reminds me a lot of my previous job in Arizona. Macon Resources is a non-profit agency that provides comprehensive services that promote growth, independence, and self worth in children and adults with disabilities.They also run a local pet shelter here, that I may be able to help with. Even with this job, I got into a little funk, because I had to start at the bottom again. I just felt like I'm starting over with everything and it makes me very anxious. I took a very large pay cut by taking this job, which means the way I had become used to living has gone out the door. I know this sounds awful and at the end of the day what matters most is that we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and happiness, but it still is a worry I have in the back of my head.
I know this is starting to sound a little depressing, so maybe I should bring up the positives of us moving here. Jaidyn was accepted into the pre-k program at the school he will be going to once he starts kindergarten. He gets to ride a bus and everything, he is very excited about that. I, on the other hand, am not very excited about the bus ride. But I was assured that in small towns the bus driver takes very good care of the kids and to make things even better it drops him off and picks him up right in front of our house. The daycare that he will be going to after school is right across from our house and the lady is very nice and Jaidyn seems to like it over there. He has also gotten to experience things he probably would have never gotten to in Arizona. He has experienced being able to play with his older cousins, he's caught his first fish, he's been on a boat at the lake, he's experienced grass, big fires, and so much more. I really do think he will love it here and grow up with a good outlook on life.
Once again, I can't thank my husband's family (I should really stop calling them his family, because they are mine too) for being so supportive and welcoming to me and for helping me with everything from moving here, to fixing up our house, to babysitting Jaidyn when I needed someone to watch him, and for just being there for me. Although, it will never fill the hole in my heart from leaving so much behind in Arizona, it is a pretty good band-aid. For now, all I can do is continue on the path I'm given and lean on the support I do receive.
In moving here though, I did find out who is truly our family and friends. I know that some people weren't happy about us moving, but they supported us and gave us the guidance that we needed. Some people became bitter and don't seem to understand why we chose to move. I never thought I would see the day when someone would stop talking to me and/or treating me the same way because of choice I made to better our family. Some days, I do think was this really better for our family, but at the end of the day and the help of friends and family it's said to me "I am where I'm suppose to be." It makes my heart heavy to think that we may loose contact with some people because of this choice but at least we know who really would be there for us in the end.
I did recently get a job at an organization called Macon Resources. It seems like an amazing place to work and reminds me a lot of my previous job in Arizona. Macon Resources is a non-profit agency that provides comprehensive services that promote growth, independence, and self worth in children and adults with disabilities.They also run a local pet shelter here, that I may be able to help with. Even with this job, I got into a little funk, because I had to start at the bottom again. I just felt like I'm starting over with everything and it makes me very anxious. I took a very large pay cut by taking this job, which means the way I had become used to living has gone out the door. I know this sounds awful and at the end of the day what matters most is that we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and happiness, but it still is a worry I have in the back of my head.
I know this is starting to sound a little depressing, so maybe I should bring up the positives of us moving here. Jaidyn was accepted into the pre-k program at the school he will be going to once he starts kindergarten. He gets to ride a bus and everything, he is very excited about that. I, on the other hand, am not very excited about the bus ride. But I was assured that in small towns the bus driver takes very good care of the kids and to make things even better it drops him off and picks him up right in front of our house. The daycare that he will be going to after school is right across from our house and the lady is very nice and Jaidyn seems to like it over there. He has also gotten to experience things he probably would have never gotten to in Arizona. He has experienced being able to play with his older cousins, he's caught his first fish, he's been on a boat at the lake, he's experienced grass, big fires, and so much more. I really do think he will love it here and grow up with a good outlook on life.
Once again, I can't thank my husband's family (I should really stop calling them his family, because they are mine too) for being so supportive and welcoming to me and for helping me with everything from moving here, to fixing up our house, to babysitting Jaidyn when I needed someone to watch him, and for just being there for me. Although, it will never fill the hole in my heart from leaving so much behind in Arizona, it is a pretty good band-aid. For now, all I can do is continue on the path I'm given and lean on the support I do receive.
Jaidyn and his beautiful, smart, and very kind cousin Kayla, without her and her being so helpful in watching Jaidyn, I couldn't have gotten a job. Words can't describe how wonderful Kayla is!
Kayla, Lane, and Jaidyn on his first boat ride.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Beauty Contest
I started this blog about a week ago and couldn't figure out what I wanted to write about. So many thoughts running through my head. Any ways, this week I thought it would be fitting to write about my struggles, that most people might think I'm out of my mind but it's a really struggle I go through everyday (you can ask my husband, I think I drive him batty). Here it is....... Weight. I've never been super thin, but after I had Jaidyn I could never get back to where I wanted to be, and I know (because I've heard this from so many people) that after you have babies your body goes through a lot of changes. I get this and understand, however, with this said, I have had all the blood work done possible to test everything possible and still have not received any answers. I do work out everyday, I am lucky enough that my work provides us with a gym. I don't eat red meat, I eat healthy and try and take care of my body as much as I can. Yet with all this being done, nothing, nada, has come off. I can't tell you how frustrated I am with the whole process, the other day while on the elliptical I thought to my self "Why am I doing this? It doesn't work for me any ways." It's an endless cycle that no matter what I probably won't be happy with the way I look.
At this point I'm not sure what else I can do, I've tried weight watchers, I've tried counting calories, eating off smaller plates, etc... Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss for words and don't know where to start or begin. I've been to my doctor and was given little advice, I don't know where to get a second opinion or even what I should do. I have been thinner which is why it's so frustrating to me. It's gotten to the point where I hate shopping, I hate looking at my self in the mirror. My self esteem has become very low. I can't afford to go to the weight loss clinics, although I would love to.
I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone out there has any advice.. For those of you who don't know me, I am a huge No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan and I found this one probably about ten years ago that really sums up everything. Not only for me but for all females. Please if you have advice, I would love to hear it. I have pretty much tried everything.
At this point I'm not sure what else I can do, I've tried weight watchers, I've tried counting calories, eating off smaller plates, etc... Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss for words and don't know where to start or begin. I've been to my doctor and was given little advice, I don't know where to get a second opinion or even what I should do. I have been thinner which is why it's so frustrating to me. It's gotten to the point where I hate shopping, I hate looking at my self in the mirror. My self esteem has become very low. I can't afford to go to the weight loss clinics, although I would love to.
I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone out there has any advice.. For those of you who don't know me, I am a huge No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan and I found this one probably about ten years ago that really sums up everything. Not only for me but for all females. Please if you have advice, I would love to hear it. I have pretty much tried everything.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Every day struggles
Something about today has brought me to my blog. Like I've said in the past these last four years have probably been the hardest and the happiest of my life. I got married to a wonderful man, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, I was blessed with an amazing job, and I have been blessed with amazing friends. The hard part is learning how to deal with things that haunt my every thought. These are thoughts that not a lot of people know I deal with everyday. I don't even think my husband does. Everyday, from start to end, I think about my brother, I think about my son, I think about my Grandma, I think about my mom, I think about my brother in-law, I think about my niece, I think about the little angels in my life that passed away. All of these thoughts spin around in my head and are never ending. Some days, all I want to do is sleep, thinking maybe they will go away. In reality, I know I can't do that. I know that I have to get up every day and make sure my family is taken care of, my son is loved and healthy and happy. I have to get up and face the reality of what life has brought me and what life knew I could and will handle.
In the past few weeks, things have been brought to the surface that maybe I didn't need to know, but I'm glad I do know. My thoughts this week have been with my Grandma, it's a weird feeling, that I can't even describe. I know that the day she left earth, she never really left me. For three days she has been on my mind, like she was trying to tell me something. Lately my son has been asking about where things come from, what is God, did God make this, did God do that. I'm not a very religious person but I think my son needs to now a little about everything so we tell him as much as a three year old can understand. The other day he said "Mommy, great Grandma is at God's house right?" He was only 18 months when she passed away, so how he remembered that is beyond me but I think she is with me this week. Telling me everything is going to be okay.
I think she is doing what she couldn't do here on earth and that is "fixing" what needed to be fixed. My brother enrolled himself in a program this week to help him with his addiction and I could not be more proud. He is on his way to recovery, not just sobriety and he is beginning to see what "happy" can be like. He is no longer self medicating, he is seeing an actual medical doctor. This not only is going to "fix" him, but it is going to "fix" me and my mom. We no longer have to worry as much.
I don't think people are given more than they can handle and I think everything happens for a reason, we just may not know what the reason is at the time. I don't know why my Grandma was taken from us so early, but I do know she lives in us everyday, and I do believe she takes turns making sure we are okay and we are happy. This week just happen to be mine. As I finish my week, I will try and remember what is important in life and not let the little things bother me. There are people with bigger problems and bigger issues, there are people that need help more than I do. I will end this with a song that is appropriate for this week. I've listened to it every day over and over.
In the past few weeks, things have been brought to the surface that maybe I didn't need to know, but I'm glad I do know. My thoughts this week have been with my Grandma, it's a weird feeling, that I can't even describe. I know that the day she left earth, she never really left me. For three days she has been on my mind, like she was trying to tell me something. Lately my son has been asking about where things come from, what is God, did God make this, did God do that. I'm not a very religious person but I think my son needs to now a little about everything so we tell him as much as a three year old can understand. The other day he said "Mommy, great Grandma is at God's house right?" He was only 18 months when she passed away, so how he remembered that is beyond me but I think she is with me this week. Telling me everything is going to be okay.
I think she is doing what she couldn't do here on earth and that is "fixing" what needed to be fixed. My brother enrolled himself in a program this week to help him with his addiction and I could not be more proud. He is on his way to recovery, not just sobriety and he is beginning to see what "happy" can be like. He is no longer self medicating, he is seeing an actual medical doctor. This not only is going to "fix" him, but it is going to "fix" me and my mom. We no longer have to worry as much.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Just trying to help
I'm not sure how much of this I'm comfortable with sharing but here it goes... I've always been the one people come to when things go bad, I've put a lot of weight on my shoulders when it comes to my brother, my sister, my brother in-law, my husband, my mother. My mom knows this best out of everyone, but as much as she wants to tell me everything going on in her life, she can't tell me everything because she's all I'll do is worry. And part of me wants her to tell me everything, to confide in me, the other part knows she's right. Just like when my Grandma got sick, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, it took me a long time to realize, I couldn't change things. I can't be with everyone, every step of their day. I have to live my life, my way. This as always is easier said then done. I'm slowly learning this and maybe, just maybe by the time I'm 30, I'll get the hang of it. For now, my obsessive behavior is just another part of who I am. Recently, I heard this song and those of you who watch the show, knows where it came from, it may be kind of dorky, but I thought it fit me perfect. I always am the one who tries to fix people, I always tell my brother don't wear your heart on your sleeve, but I should practice what I preach. I was given a big heart, and a lot of times I wear where everyone can see it, sometimes it gets me in trouble. I don't know what will come of me posting this, maybe I will just get this off my chest. Who knows, but I thought I would share.
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
To be better...
I've talked about the things that have happened to me in pretty much the last four years, some of them good, some of them not so good, but over all I think I've become a better person. At least I try to be, my husband on the other hand may have some different comments. All I can say is that I'm trying. I've become a little more obsessive, a little more OCD, and little bit more difficult to live with. But what can I say, it's who I am. Lately though, I've become a person who I am trying very hard not to be.
Three years ago, I was blessed with my angel. From the very first day, all 8 lbs 9 oz of him, he was an angel. He was born with his eyes wide open, wanting more, more knowledge, more love, more need for information. He brought joy into so many peoples lives, it's unbelievable. He was able to give my Grandma, the strength to hold on for a couple more years, he gave my in-laws a little more hope (we just lost another little angel, my nephew and their grandson), he gave me a sense of belonging, and my husband what he had always wanted. I tried every day from that point forward to be the best mom I could be. Yes, I made mistakes, I didn't do everything by the book, I wish I could stay home with him instead of work, but I try.
Sometimes in the middle of everything going on, I loose my temper. I try to teach him things he needs to do to be the best person he possibly can be. I try to sit with him every chance I get to teach him what he needs to know. I try to protect him from every thing he needs to be protected from and sometimes in the middle of things, I say things I don't really mean. I've done this to my brother in-law, to my husband, to my brother, to my sister, and for everything I've said I do regret. I even sometimes obsess over the stupid little things, that most people have long forgotten.
I'm not sure where this mean streak has come from, I don't know if it's just mothers instinct or if I've just become that person. I do know one thing, I hate it when I take it out on my son. I don't want to be that mom that has no patients, I don't want to be that mom that never plays with her son when he asks. I want to be the mom who is always playing with him, always spending time with him. I know it's hard to be a working mom and do everything I want to with him, but I will try. I will try to be the best mom he will ever have, I will try to do better, I will try to be a better person for him.
In my journey to become a better person and mother, I have made one of his tasks for the day to play out side with mommy and to do his ABC's everyday. So far, it's helped and all I can do is keep trying, keep my head up and not let the little things get me down. I can only do so much and hope that my obsessive behavior doesn't get the best of me.
Three years ago, I was blessed with my angel. From the very first day, all 8 lbs 9 oz of him, he was an angel. He was born with his eyes wide open, wanting more, more knowledge, more love, more need for information. He brought joy into so many peoples lives, it's unbelievable. He was able to give my Grandma, the strength to hold on for a couple more years, he gave my in-laws a little more hope (we just lost another little angel, my nephew and their grandson), he gave me a sense of belonging, and my husband what he had always wanted. I tried every day from that point forward to be the best mom I could be. Yes, I made mistakes, I didn't do everything by the book, I wish I could stay home with him instead of work, but I try.
Sometimes in the middle of everything going on, I loose my temper. I try to teach him things he needs to do to be the best person he possibly can be. I try to sit with him every chance I get to teach him what he needs to know. I try to protect him from every thing he needs to be protected from and sometimes in the middle of things, I say things I don't really mean. I've done this to my brother in-law, to my husband, to my brother, to my sister, and for everything I've said I do regret. I even sometimes obsess over the stupid little things, that most people have long forgotten.
I'm not sure where this mean streak has come from, I don't know if it's just mothers instinct or if I've just become that person. I do know one thing, I hate it when I take it out on my son. I don't want to be that mom that has no patients, I don't want to be that mom that never plays with her son when he asks. I want to be the mom who is always playing with him, always spending time with him. I know it's hard to be a working mom and do everything I want to with him, but I will try. I will try to be the best mom he will ever have, I will try to do better, I will try to be a better person for him.
In my journey to become a better person and mother, I have made one of his tasks for the day to play out side with mommy and to do his ABC's everyday. So far, it's helped and all I can do is keep trying, keep my head up and not let the little things get me down. I can only do so much and hope that my obsessive behavior doesn't get the best of me.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My buggie boy
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| Not a good picture of me but this was seconds after he was born |
This morning my brother in-law and his girlfriend gave me a new niece, Lillian Marie Crist. Sadly, because she lives in Illinois, I won't have the pleasure of meeting her for a while. I hope sooner then later. Seeing her inspired me to write about my own shinning star, the love of my life, my little buggie (as I have called him since I knew he was a boy).
Before he was born, my life was incomplete. My husband had wanted kids from the day he met me, I on the other hand wanted to wait. We had only been married a couple of months when we got the news of our wonderful surprise. Little did I know that this human being only being 8 lbs 9 oz at birth could be the love of my life and will always be my buggie boy. He has made our lives complete.
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| This is my Grandma, waiting for her first Great grand child to make his appearance. (she is in my previous blog) |
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| The day we took Jaidyn home. (of course in all U of A) |
I still remember the day I went into labor, the day he was to be here. It was February 5th, 3 days before his actual due date. I was laying in bed (which most women do at this point, when you have an extra 25 pounds and almost 9 pound baby in you) watching the basketball game (of course U of A was playing). It was about 9:00 at night and my contractions started. I went in the living room and told Shane, okay it's time go. My husband was so excited, he had to stop and use his inhaler. We made it to TMC and almost 12 hours later at 11:03 am, February 6, 2008, our son was born into this world. Jaidyn O'Neill Crist, 8 lbs 9 oz, 5 fingers, 5 toes and no hair. To me, he was and is my angel, my saviour.
For those of who don't know my three old son, you would be amazed. And I'm not just saying this because he is my child. He is a smart, love able child with the ability to make any one's day amazing. From before he was born he was feisty. I have one of his sonogram pictures where he flipping the camera off, which of course he continued to do as a infant.
I have come to know this little man, from being this amazing baby (which I got very lucky) to this amazing three year old, who tells me what he wants, what hurts, what he needs, when he needs to do something, and of course all his sassyness and spunk. Even with all the normal three year old behavior, all the good out weighs this. I look forward everyday to coming home and relaxing with my baby and having him tell me of his stories of the day. I believe in my heart that he changed my husband and I's relationship for the better. Because of Jaidyn he has made us stronger, more dependent on each other and if he hadn't come into our lives, I don't know what today would bring us. I do know I love my husband more for bringing this amazing person into my life.
I was lucky enough to find a husband who not only is good to me, but is the most amazing father I could have asked for. Just the other day, Jaidyn and him were out side and Jaidyn stopped and said "Daddy I love spending time with you" This brought tears to both of our eyes. He gives us unconditionally love and hope he stays this love able way.
Being a parent , you always think, am I doing the right thing, am I doing what's best for him? All these thoughts torment me everyday, I try to overcome them by thinking how happy he is and how much love he does get every single day. For now, I guess we sit back and enjoy the time we have and able to spend with him, both Shane and I working full time, it comes less then we would like.
Jaidyn is going to be our next basketball star, so remember these pictures and his mothers thoughts and anxieties because soon, you will all have to remind of these days. I am so thankful for what our lives have become and I owe it all to my Buggie boy.
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| This is my amazing boy now. Just made a shot! |
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive, I came to survive, to prosper, and to rise
I thought about you again today, the way you smiled, the way you smelt, even the way you laughed. Some days I wake up and it's easier to think about you then others, some days I wake up and all I can do is cry that you left my side. You were an angel on earth and you are an angel in heaven. I miss the days when I could pick up the phone and hear your voice and tell you something new that Jaidyn did that day. I miss the days when I could drive to your house and be embraced by your warm touch and be melted by your smile. I miss the days I could just look in your eyes and see how very proud you were of me and who I have become. I just miss you.
Grandma,
I write this letter to you, I want you to know that even though you left my side, you are still in my heart, my mind, my soul. Jaidyn will never be let to forget what a wonderful human being you were. You left our lives on the night of September 2, 2009, this a day I will never forget, I will never let it leave my mind. I remember the day that Jaidyn was born and how I could hear your voice in the hospital room. I remember how proud you were to hold your first born great grandson. I can remember how proud I was to have you there by my side and have you be able to watch him. I remember the days that led up to you leaving us. I couldn't sleep, all I remember is asking, praying that you could live and I could take your pain. I know you would not let this happen to me in million years but I didn't want to happen to you as much. There is a song that reminds me of you and the way you thought of all your grandchildren. Every time I hear it it makes me cry. You wanted us to win, to fight, to conquer and to thrive. You wanted us to win, to survive, to prosper and to rise.You wanted us to be everything we could be and more. So I write this today for you.
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
I wish today it will rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I'm still an angel away
Angel away, yeah strange in a way
Maybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become near when they aiming at me
Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all see blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I'm just summising
Win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire
Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint they own pictures than they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can every be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
So we become alive in a time of fear
And I ain't got no motherf*cking time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay's become yay's
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
This is still just part of my new chapter in my life to let myself show my feelings. My grandmother was a big part of my life, she was the person who was able to watch my son when I had to go back to work for the first 18 months of his life. She was the person who could always bring a smile to my face no matter what. She was the person that no matter what I did, she would always love me and support me. My grandmother loved everyone that came into her life and made them feel like they were the only people in the room. I miss her every single day and every single day I think about her. She is now my angel.
Grandma,
I write this letter to you, I want you to know that even though you left my side, you are still in my heart, my mind, my soul. Jaidyn will never be let to forget what a wonderful human being you were. You left our lives on the night of September 2, 2009, this a day I will never forget, I will never let it leave my mind. I remember the day that Jaidyn was born and how I could hear your voice in the hospital room. I remember how proud you were to hold your first born great grandson. I can remember how proud I was to have you there by my side and have you be able to watch him. I remember the days that led up to you leaving us. I couldn't sleep, all I remember is asking, praying that you could live and I could take your pain. I know you would not let this happen to me in million years but I didn't want to happen to you as much. There is a song that reminds me of you and the way you thought of all your grandchildren. Every time I hear it it makes me cry. You wanted us to win, to fight, to conquer and to thrive. You wanted us to win, to survive, to prosper and to rise.You wanted us to be everything we could be and more. So I write this today for you.
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
I wish today it will rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I'm still an angel away
Angel away, yeah strange in a way
Maybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become near when they aiming at me
Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all see blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I'm just summising
Win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire
Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint they own pictures than they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can every be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
So we become alive in a time of fear
And I ain't got no motherf*cking time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay's become yay's
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
This is still just part of my new chapter in my life to let myself show my feelings. My grandmother was a big part of my life, she was the person who was able to watch my son when I had to go back to work for the first 18 months of his life. She was the person who could always bring a smile to my face no matter what. She was the person that no matter what I did, she would always love me and support me. My grandmother loved everyone that came into her life and made them feel like they were the only people in the room. I miss her every single day and every single day I think about her. She is now my angel.
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