I've talked about the things that have happened to me in pretty much the last four years, some of them good, some of them not so good, but over all I think I've become a better person. At least I try to be, my husband on the other hand may have some different comments. All I can say is that I'm trying. I've become a little more obsessive, a little more OCD, and little bit more difficult to live with. But what can I say, it's who I am. Lately though, I've become a person who I am trying very hard not to be.
Three years ago, I was blessed with my angel. From the very first day, all 8 lbs 9 oz of him, he was an angel. He was born with his eyes wide open, wanting more, more knowledge, more love, more need for information. He brought joy into so many peoples lives, it's unbelievable. He was able to give my Grandma, the strength to hold on for a couple more years, he gave my in-laws a little more hope (we just lost another little angel, my nephew and their grandson), he gave me a sense of belonging, and my husband what he had always wanted. I tried every day from that point forward to be the best mom I could be. Yes, I made mistakes, I didn't do everything by the book, I wish I could stay home with him instead of work, but I try.
Sometimes in the middle of everything going on, I loose my temper. I try to teach him things he needs to do to be the best person he possibly can be. I try to sit with him every chance I get to teach him what he needs to know. I try to protect him from every thing he needs to be protected from and sometimes in the middle of things, I say things I don't really mean. I've done this to my brother in-law, to my husband, to my brother, to my sister, and for everything I've said I do regret. I even sometimes obsess over the stupid little things, that most people have long forgotten.
I'm not sure where this mean streak has come from, I don't know if it's just mothers instinct or if I've just become that person. I do know one thing, I hate it when I take it out on my son. I don't want to be that mom that has no patients, I don't want to be that mom that never plays with her son when he asks. I want to be the mom who is always playing with him, always spending time with him. I know it's hard to be a working mom and do everything I want to with him, but I will try. I will try to be the best mom he will ever have, I will try to do better, I will try to be a better person for him.
In my journey to become a better person and mother, I have made one of his tasks for the day to play out side with mommy and to do his ABC's everyday. So far, it's helped and all I can do is keep trying, keep my head up and not let the little things get me down. I can only do so much and hope that my obsessive behavior doesn't get the best of me.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Okay, so my addiction has gotten the best of me again.............
Okay, so my addiction has gotten the best of me again. As I was driving to pick up lunch today, I noticed the Arizona Department of Correction (ADC) workers on the side of the road. They were doing some landscaping, which you see often, at least in Arizona. I often just look the other way and not even think twice, but today something inside me triggered my addiction (my not by choice addiction).... My brothers.
This story goes back about 6 years ago, so I won't go into much detail but as much of you know my brother and brother in-law both spent time in jail and prison. I can't help but think about what it was like in there. I know both of them are currently out of the system, but it still creeps into my mind all the time. Every time I see a show about prison, I think of both of them and almost immediately start crying. Now, I've never been to jail or prison so I don't know what it actually is like inside those walls, but from what I've seen and heard it's a life I don't want to ever see and I wish that no one else I know ever has to again.
My brother about a year and half ago, was arrested again for a probation violation. Of course, because our judicial system is not the best it took sometime for him to actually be sentenced. In the meantime, he could not be released on bail, because in their mind they already gave him a chance and he blew it. I do agree that if you do the crime, you pay the price, however, with that being said I remember the day of his sentencing. We should up on that morning, he came into the room in his orange suite chained to the other inmates and looked at me and said two years. Now, I did get in trouble for trying to talk to him while in custody, but as soon as I saw the two years, my heart fell to the floor. I could not imagine, first of all, my life with out my brother for two years, and second of all his life in prison. He would never be the same person I knew. As we waited for the judge to make his decision, we were all on the edge of seats. Someone, or something was watching us that day because the judge changed his mind and sentenced him to a year in the county jail. A year is a long time, but at least it's not prison. At least we could still visit him every Sunday. A year later when it was his release date, I was the one who picked him from that stupid green building, just me and his nephew. I don't know how happy he was to see us, but I can tell you it was one of the happiest day I've had.
I did not know my brother in-law before he went in the prison system, I just knew him after the fact. Of course, I heard his stories and knew that my husband loved him. Without even knowing him, he became my brother. I remember the day he got off the plane, only being two days out after serving 5 years. It was once again an overwhelming experience. Here is this man, who I had only seen in pictures and I loved him like his was my own brother. To this day, I'm not sure if he really knows this, but he is my brother. I've always heard the saying you can't choose your blood, but can sure as hell pick your family. He too has become part of my addiction, making sure he is okay, making sure he stays clean and out of trouble. Even though he is living in Illinois now, I still can't help but worry and try to keep my distance.
Now, with this being said and having experience with our current judicial system and seeing the ACD workers today, it makes my heart go out to them. I know that some people truly belong in prison for whatever reason, and maybe what my brother and brother in-law did, they did deserve to serve there time. It just makes me mad that there is such a stigma on people that have been in jail, when you have two men like my two older brothers, who wouldn't hurt a fly (unless of course provoked). I know how hard it is for people like this to start over from the bottom with people looking and thinking about them as if they just murdered someone. It's hard for them find jobs, to rent a place to live, sometimes even find good friends who they can trust. My hope is one day to have this stigma of them being "bad people" be gone and try and help rehabilitate them, help them live in a normal society once being released into the "normal" world.
Again, I sit here and cry as I write these words because they might sound like a bunch of jumble to you, but to me having people look at them as they are monsters breaks my heart. All I can do, as I said before, is sit back and watch and hope they know that I am and always will be here for them, always.
This story goes back about 6 years ago, so I won't go into much detail but as much of you know my brother and brother in-law both spent time in jail and prison. I can't help but think about what it was like in there. I know both of them are currently out of the system, but it still creeps into my mind all the time. Every time I see a show about prison, I think of both of them and almost immediately start crying. Now, I've never been to jail or prison so I don't know what it actually is like inside those walls, but from what I've seen and heard it's a life I don't want to ever see and I wish that no one else I know ever has to again.
My brother about a year and half ago, was arrested again for a probation violation. Of course, because our judicial system is not the best it took sometime for him to actually be sentenced. In the meantime, he could not be released on bail, because in their mind they already gave him a chance and he blew it. I do agree that if you do the crime, you pay the price, however, with that being said I remember the day of his sentencing. We should up on that morning, he came into the room in his orange suite chained to the other inmates and looked at me and said two years. Now, I did get in trouble for trying to talk to him while in custody, but as soon as I saw the two years, my heart fell to the floor. I could not imagine, first of all, my life with out my brother for two years, and second of all his life in prison. He would never be the same person I knew. As we waited for the judge to make his decision, we were all on the edge of seats. Someone, or something was watching us that day because the judge changed his mind and sentenced him to a year in the county jail. A year is a long time, but at least it's not prison. At least we could still visit him every Sunday. A year later when it was his release date, I was the one who picked him from that stupid green building, just me and his nephew. I don't know how happy he was to see us, but I can tell you it was one of the happiest day I've had.
I did not know my brother in-law before he went in the prison system, I just knew him after the fact. Of course, I heard his stories and knew that my husband loved him. Without even knowing him, he became my brother. I remember the day he got off the plane, only being two days out after serving 5 years. It was once again an overwhelming experience. Here is this man, who I had only seen in pictures and I loved him like his was my own brother. To this day, I'm not sure if he really knows this, but he is my brother. I've always heard the saying you can't choose your blood, but can sure as hell pick your family. He too has become part of my addiction, making sure he is okay, making sure he stays clean and out of trouble. Even though he is living in Illinois now, I still can't help but worry and try to keep my distance.
Now, with this being said and having experience with our current judicial system and seeing the ACD workers today, it makes my heart go out to them. I know that some people truly belong in prison for whatever reason, and maybe what my brother and brother in-law did, they did deserve to serve there time. It just makes me mad that there is such a stigma on people that have been in jail, when you have two men like my two older brothers, who wouldn't hurt a fly (unless of course provoked). I know how hard it is for people like this to start over from the bottom with people looking and thinking about them as if they just murdered someone. It's hard for them find jobs, to rent a place to live, sometimes even find good friends who they can trust. My hope is one day to have this stigma of them being "bad people" be gone and try and help rehabilitate them, help them live in a normal society once being released into the "normal" world.
Again, I sit here and cry as I write these words because they might sound like a bunch of jumble to you, but to me having people look at them as they are monsters breaks my heart. All I can do, as I said before, is sit back and watch and hope they know that I am and always will be here for them, always.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My buggie boy
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| Not a good picture of me but this was seconds after he was born |
This morning my brother in-law and his girlfriend gave me a new niece, Lillian Marie Crist. Sadly, because she lives in Illinois, I won't have the pleasure of meeting her for a while. I hope sooner then later. Seeing her inspired me to write about my own shinning star, the love of my life, my little buggie (as I have called him since I knew he was a boy).
Before he was born, my life was incomplete. My husband had wanted kids from the day he met me, I on the other hand wanted to wait. We had only been married a couple of months when we got the news of our wonderful surprise. Little did I know that this human being only being 8 lbs 9 oz at birth could be the love of my life and will always be my buggie boy. He has made our lives complete.
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| This is my Grandma, waiting for her first Great grand child to make his appearance. (she is in my previous blog) |
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| The day we took Jaidyn home. (of course in all U of A) |
I still remember the day I went into labor, the day he was to be here. It was February 5th, 3 days before his actual due date. I was laying in bed (which most women do at this point, when you have an extra 25 pounds and almost 9 pound baby in you) watching the basketball game (of course U of A was playing). It was about 9:00 at night and my contractions started. I went in the living room and told Shane, okay it's time go. My husband was so excited, he had to stop and use his inhaler. We made it to TMC and almost 12 hours later at 11:03 am, February 6, 2008, our son was born into this world. Jaidyn O'Neill Crist, 8 lbs 9 oz, 5 fingers, 5 toes and no hair. To me, he was and is my angel, my saviour.
For those of who don't know my three old son, you would be amazed. And I'm not just saying this because he is my child. He is a smart, love able child with the ability to make any one's day amazing. From before he was born he was feisty. I have one of his sonogram pictures where he flipping the camera off, which of course he continued to do as a infant.
I have come to know this little man, from being this amazing baby (which I got very lucky) to this amazing three year old, who tells me what he wants, what hurts, what he needs, when he needs to do something, and of course all his sassyness and spunk. Even with all the normal three year old behavior, all the good out weighs this. I look forward everyday to coming home and relaxing with my baby and having him tell me of his stories of the day. I believe in my heart that he changed my husband and I's relationship for the better. Because of Jaidyn he has made us stronger, more dependent on each other and if he hadn't come into our lives, I don't know what today would bring us. I do know I love my husband more for bringing this amazing person into my life.
I was lucky enough to find a husband who not only is good to me, but is the most amazing father I could have asked for. Just the other day, Jaidyn and him were out side and Jaidyn stopped and said "Daddy I love spending time with you" This brought tears to both of our eyes. He gives us unconditionally love and hope he stays this love able way.
Being a parent , you always think, am I doing the right thing, am I doing what's best for him? All these thoughts torment me everyday, I try to overcome them by thinking how happy he is and how much love he does get every single day. For now, I guess we sit back and enjoy the time we have and able to spend with him, both Shane and I working full time, it comes less then we would like.
Jaidyn is going to be our next basketball star, so remember these pictures and his mothers thoughts and anxieties because soon, you will all have to remind of these days. I am so thankful for what our lives have become and I owe it all to my Buggie boy.
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| This is my amazing boy now. Just made a shot! |
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive, I came to survive, to prosper, and to rise
I thought about you again today, the way you smiled, the way you smelt, even the way you laughed. Some days I wake up and it's easier to think about you then others, some days I wake up and all I can do is cry that you left my side. You were an angel on earth and you are an angel in heaven. I miss the days when I could pick up the phone and hear your voice and tell you something new that Jaidyn did that day. I miss the days when I could drive to your house and be embraced by your warm touch and be melted by your smile. I miss the days I could just look in your eyes and see how very proud you were of me and who I have become. I just miss you.
Grandma,
I write this letter to you, I want you to know that even though you left my side, you are still in my heart, my mind, my soul. Jaidyn will never be let to forget what a wonderful human being you were. You left our lives on the night of September 2, 2009, this a day I will never forget, I will never let it leave my mind. I remember the day that Jaidyn was born and how I could hear your voice in the hospital room. I remember how proud you were to hold your first born great grandson. I can remember how proud I was to have you there by my side and have you be able to watch him. I remember the days that led up to you leaving us. I couldn't sleep, all I remember is asking, praying that you could live and I could take your pain. I know you would not let this happen to me in million years but I didn't want to happen to you as much. There is a song that reminds me of you and the way you thought of all your grandchildren. Every time I hear it it makes me cry. You wanted us to win, to fight, to conquer and to thrive. You wanted us to win, to survive, to prosper and to rise.You wanted us to be everything we could be and more. So I write this today for you.
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
I wish today it will rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I'm still an angel away
Angel away, yeah strange in a way
Maybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become near when they aiming at me
Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all see blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I'm just summising
Win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire
Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint they own pictures than they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can every be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
So we become alive in a time of fear
And I ain't got no motherf*cking time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay's become yay's
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
This is still just part of my new chapter in my life to let myself show my feelings. My grandmother was a big part of my life, she was the person who was able to watch my son when I had to go back to work for the first 18 months of his life. She was the person who could always bring a smile to my face no matter what. She was the person that no matter what I did, she would always love me and support me. My grandmother loved everyone that came into her life and made them feel like they were the only people in the room. I miss her every single day and every single day I think about her. She is now my angel.
Grandma,
I write this letter to you, I want you to know that even though you left my side, you are still in my heart, my mind, my soul. Jaidyn will never be let to forget what a wonderful human being you were. You left our lives on the night of September 2, 2009, this a day I will never forget, I will never let it leave my mind. I remember the day that Jaidyn was born and how I could hear your voice in the hospital room. I remember how proud you were to hold your first born great grandson. I can remember how proud I was to have you there by my side and have you be able to watch him. I remember the days that led up to you leaving us. I couldn't sleep, all I remember is asking, praying that you could live and I could take your pain. I know you would not let this happen to me in million years but I didn't want to happen to you as much. There is a song that reminds me of you and the way you thought of all your grandchildren. Every time I hear it it makes me cry. You wanted us to win, to fight, to conquer and to thrive. You wanted us to win, to survive, to prosper and to rise.You wanted us to be everything we could be and more. So I write this today for you.
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
I wish today it will rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I'm still an angel away
Angel away, yeah strange in a way
Maybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become near when they aiming at me
Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all see blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I'm just summising
Win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire
Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint they own pictures than they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can every be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
So we become alive in a time of fear
And I ain't got no motherf*cking time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay's become yay's
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
This is still just part of my new chapter in my life to let myself show my feelings. My grandmother was a big part of my life, she was the person who was able to watch my son when I had to go back to work for the first 18 months of his life. She was the person who could always bring a smile to my face no matter what. She was the person that no matter what I did, she would always love me and support me. My grandmother loved everyone that came into her life and made them feel like they were the only people in the room. I miss her every single day and every single day I think about her. She is now my angel.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Addiction
Lately I've seen a lot of people starting blogs. At first, I was a little turned off, thought it was to personal. Then I started to think about things, I've set several goals for my self for 2011, one of which is to be more open with people and not hold back when I need to share. I thought this might be a good way for me to start.
The last fours years of my life have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. There have been good and bad, but in all I have learned from every single one. In the past four years I have gotten married, gave birth to the most amazing little boy in the entire world, lost two little angels that I love dearly, lost one of the most important people in my life (my grandmother), saw my best friend give birth to another (most) amazing little boy in the entire world, I have helped my brother cope with his addiction, met my brother in-law for the first time, and saw my brother in-law leave us at the same time, I also have have found and met my sister, in which I have been searching for, for the past ten years, and I have also started a new position in my career, in which has brought me to the realization of what I want to do with my life. Each experience has brought a little light in to my life letting me know I can make it another day, I can move past this, I can move on in life and still be okay. To be honest, I know I would not be able to cope with any of this with out the support of my husband and my best friend, but I still have done it and am doing it.
I could probably sit here and write a book about my life experiences but something tells me that I should write about my brother today. I don't even know where to begin, from the time we were little, it was me and him against the world. Our biological farther was non existent in our lives, and yes we grew up with the most amazing step-father, or should I say Dad in the whole world, but it still was not the same. ( I don't think I've said those words out loud.) I have always thought of my brother as my leader, my guidance, my everything. Then one day he changed, I guess I didn't want to believe the person he had become was true. He had become someone I didn't know. It is always true what they say the addict in your family becomes your addiction. He had/has consumed my life with making sure he does not relapse, does not stumble across the wrong path. It's easier said then done, when people often tell me, let it go, you can't control him. To me, he is my world, if something were to happen to him, I would be lost.
My addiction to my brother, has become an addiction of my own. I don't think he realizes how much he really does mean to me and how much it hurts me to see him go in that state of life. Over the last year and half he has become sober and has had his ups and downs with getting a job and getting his life back together. He literally had to start from the bottom all over again. He had no job, no house, no cloths, he had nothing. I've seen him go from this stage into his life to now, he has a car, a good job, is on his way to getting his own place to live. Words can not describe how proud I am of him. With this being said, it is still a struggle I deal with everyday not to be "addicted" to him. It is very hard for me to trust him, every time he is a little off, I often question him. Are you using again, what are doing, where are you going? I know in his head he is sick of all the questions, but for feeding my own "addiction" I need to know.
When I often talk to people about addiction, I say I don't know what it's like to be addicted to anything, I've never been addicted to drugs. I guess I'm wrong, this may not be a substance that I am addicted to, I am addicted to my brother's life. I don't know when the time will come when I actually do stop being addicted to him, but I hope with time I can recover from addiction as well. My whole life has become this person who wants to help people fight addiction, I have recently re enrolled in school, with a degree in social work specializing in substance abuse. I know what addiction does to a family and I know it becomes the lowest point in some one's life, it eats away at every part of your body, it needs to be fed by whatever means possible. An addict is not the same person that person once was. Addicts are almost like wild animals, wanting that next fix, that next high, their next meal. My hope is that one day, my brother will be live a normal, happy life with kids and a wife. For right now, it's him against the world and all we can do is hope.
The last fours years of my life have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. There have been good and bad, but in all I have learned from every single one. In the past four years I have gotten married, gave birth to the most amazing little boy in the entire world, lost two little angels that I love dearly, lost one of the most important people in my life (my grandmother), saw my best friend give birth to another (most) amazing little boy in the entire world, I have helped my brother cope with his addiction, met my brother in-law for the first time, and saw my brother in-law leave us at the same time, I also have have found and met my sister, in which I have been searching for, for the past ten years, and I have also started a new position in my career, in which has brought me to the realization of what I want to do with my life. Each experience has brought a little light in to my life letting me know I can make it another day, I can move past this, I can move on in life and still be okay. To be honest, I know I would not be able to cope with any of this with out the support of my husband and my best friend, but I still have done it and am doing it.
I could probably sit here and write a book about my life experiences but something tells me that I should write about my brother today. I don't even know where to begin, from the time we were little, it was me and him against the world. Our biological farther was non existent in our lives, and yes we grew up with the most amazing step-father, or should I say Dad in the whole world, but it still was not the same. ( I don't think I've said those words out loud.) I have always thought of my brother as my leader, my guidance, my everything. Then one day he changed, I guess I didn't want to believe the person he had become was true. He had become someone I didn't know. It is always true what they say the addict in your family becomes your addiction. He had/has consumed my life with making sure he does not relapse, does not stumble across the wrong path. It's easier said then done, when people often tell me, let it go, you can't control him. To me, he is my world, if something were to happen to him, I would be lost.
My addiction to my brother, has become an addiction of my own. I don't think he realizes how much he really does mean to me and how much it hurts me to see him go in that state of life. Over the last year and half he has become sober and has had his ups and downs with getting a job and getting his life back together. He literally had to start from the bottom all over again. He had no job, no house, no cloths, he had nothing. I've seen him go from this stage into his life to now, he has a car, a good job, is on his way to getting his own place to live. Words can not describe how proud I am of him. With this being said, it is still a struggle I deal with everyday not to be "addicted" to him. It is very hard for me to trust him, every time he is a little off, I often question him. Are you using again, what are doing, where are you going? I know in his head he is sick of all the questions, but for feeding my own "addiction" I need to know.
When I often talk to people about addiction, I say I don't know what it's like to be addicted to anything, I've never been addicted to drugs. I guess I'm wrong, this may not be a substance that I am addicted to, I am addicted to my brother's life. I don't know when the time will come when I actually do stop being addicted to him, but I hope with time I can recover from addiction as well. My whole life has become this person who wants to help people fight addiction, I have recently re enrolled in school, with a degree in social work specializing in substance abuse. I know what addiction does to a family and I know it becomes the lowest point in some one's life, it eats away at every part of your body, it needs to be fed by whatever means possible. An addict is not the same person that person once was. Addicts are almost like wild animals, wanting that next fix, that next high, their next meal. My hope is that one day, my brother will be live a normal, happy life with kids and a wife. For right now, it's him against the world and all we can do is hope.
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