When I started this journey of motherhood 3 and half years ago, never did I think my days would be filled with superheros and hot wheels. From the day he was born and I looked in his big brown eyes, I knew he was meant for greatness. Everyday I learn, see and hear something new. Never did I think I would be cutting some one's hair like Peter Parker or Iron man, but my son has managed to make these magical things happen. Everyday he teaches me something new and everyday he learns something new.
When I started this journey I tried to do everything by the book, I read every baby book I could, I read every article I could, then again Jaidyn managed to teach me that you can't go by books, you can't rely on articles, you have to rely on your heart. He has taught me to believe, to dream, to feel, to make things happen that I could have never thought possible.
When I started this journey never did I think my nights would be filled with story book readings, kisses, and snuggles. I never thought I would be putting a sleeping angel to bed. And again he taught me that watching him sleep is the best thing I could see all day.
When I started this journey I did know one thing, that my son, my angel, my star, my everything, would help me breathe, help me get through my struggles, my life and make things better. I did know that with just one look into his eyes I would know what love is, I would know what laughter is and I would know what happiness is.
I can't imagine my life any other way, I can't imagine what it would be like without having this amazing little person in my life. He has helped me grow, helped me breathe, helped me laugh, helped me be a better person. I believe everything happens for a reason and he was brought into my life and brought into this world for a reason. I don't know what his calling is yet, but I do know it will be great and he was brought into my world so I wouldn't feel lost, I would be able to keep my head up, I would be able to smile even though I don't feel like it.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Beauty Contest
I started this blog about a week ago and couldn't figure out what I wanted to write about. So many thoughts running through my head. Any ways, this week I thought it would be fitting to write about my struggles, that most people might think I'm out of my mind but it's a really struggle I go through everyday (you can ask my husband, I think I drive him batty). Here it is....... Weight. I've never been super thin, but after I had Jaidyn I could never get back to where I wanted to be, and I know (because I've heard this from so many people) that after you have babies your body goes through a lot of changes. I get this and understand, however, with this said, I have had all the blood work done possible to test everything possible and still have not received any answers. I do work out everyday, I am lucky enough that my work provides us with a gym. I don't eat red meat, I eat healthy and try and take care of my body as much as I can. Yet with all this being done, nothing, nada, has come off. I can't tell you how frustrated I am with the whole process, the other day while on the elliptical I thought to my self "Why am I doing this? It doesn't work for me any ways." It's an endless cycle that no matter what I probably won't be happy with the way I look.
At this point I'm not sure what else I can do, I've tried weight watchers, I've tried counting calories, eating off smaller plates, etc... Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss for words and don't know where to start or begin. I've been to my doctor and was given little advice, I don't know where to get a second opinion or even what I should do. I have been thinner which is why it's so frustrating to me. It's gotten to the point where I hate shopping, I hate looking at my self in the mirror. My self esteem has become very low. I can't afford to go to the weight loss clinics, although I would love to.
I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone out there has any advice.. For those of you who don't know me, I am a huge No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan and I found this one probably about ten years ago that really sums up everything. Not only for me but for all females. Please if you have advice, I would love to hear it. I have pretty much tried everything.
At this point I'm not sure what else I can do, I've tried weight watchers, I've tried counting calories, eating off smaller plates, etc... Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss for words and don't know where to start or begin. I've been to my doctor and was given little advice, I don't know where to get a second opinion or even what I should do. I have been thinner which is why it's so frustrating to me. It's gotten to the point where I hate shopping, I hate looking at my self in the mirror. My self esteem has become very low. I can't afford to go to the weight loss clinics, although I would love to.
I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone out there has any advice.. For those of you who don't know me, I am a huge No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan and I found this one probably about ten years ago that really sums up everything. Not only for me but for all females. Please if you have advice, I would love to hear it. I have pretty much tried everything.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Just another cycle
In my struggle to keep up with my thoughts of my brother, I sometimes forget about my own thoughts, my own wishes, my own needs. I guess in a way my addiction to him has gotten the best of me. Not only am I addicted to getting him better but I am now seeing I am addicted to just getting anyone better from this horrible illness. My brother doesn't share his stories with us, and I guess I am thankful for this, I think it would be to much for me. To this day, I still hold this horrible image of him using and I can't get it out of my head. I try to escape these thoughts and need to help people but something still keeps me fighting for them. I know I can't save the world but I can't just sit back and do nothing either. It's cycle that I hope goes away.
However, I have come to realize that there are more important things in life than to sit and dwell on what would have or could have happened. My son, who is my shining star, my whole world, my everything, has made me realize this. He needs his mom to be there for him, show him that it's okay to fight for what you believe in, yet still not let it consume your life. I want to show him that his mother is a strong person, a person who will do anything for him, yet show him how to be respectful as well. This past weekend, I have just been lost in my thoughts and thinking about the world around me. Just recently my husband had to go back to his home town in Illinois for a visit that was necessary but the circumstances were horrific. While he was there he got to meet our niece, who is almost 6 moths old. I can't explain how much love I have for her and I haven't even met her. Every time I get a picture of her, she brightens my day. I want to be the aunt that she can turn to when things are bad, I want to be the aunt that she loves and comes to when she has problems and can ask advice on things that she can't ask her mom and dad. I hope that one day I can actually meet her and see her beautiful face in person but for now pictures will have to do. I hope that her dad (my brother in-law) will always tell her that I will always be there for her no matter what.
I have all these thoughts that run through my head and I don't even know if she will ever know them. I just felt that I needed to write about them today, that maybe with these thoughts being on paper will make me feel better. Because I mentioned how her face makes my day brighter, I have to share one of her many beautiful pictures.
(Please don't get me wrong, the wonderful children in my life that are here in Arizona, I want to be just as an amazing aunt to them as well, there was just something in my heart that lead me to writing about Lilly this morning.)
With every passing day, I try my hardest to be the best wife, mother, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, and daughter I can be. It's not easy but with me being able to write and share my emotions and feelings, it is helping. When I first started this blog, it was to be able to better my self and that is what I am trying to do.
However, I have come to realize that there are more important things in life than to sit and dwell on what would have or could have happened. My son, who is my shining star, my whole world, my everything, has made me realize this. He needs his mom to be there for him, show him that it's okay to fight for what you believe in, yet still not let it consume your life. I want to show him that his mother is a strong person, a person who will do anything for him, yet show him how to be respectful as well. This past weekend, I have just been lost in my thoughts and thinking about the world around me. Just recently my husband had to go back to his home town in Illinois for a visit that was necessary but the circumstances were horrific. While he was there he got to meet our niece, who is almost 6 moths old. I can't explain how much love I have for her and I haven't even met her. Every time I get a picture of her, she brightens my day. I want to be the aunt that she can turn to when things are bad, I want to be the aunt that she loves and comes to when she has problems and can ask advice on things that she can't ask her mom and dad. I hope that one day I can actually meet her and see her beautiful face in person but for now pictures will have to do. I hope that her dad (my brother in-law) will always tell her that I will always be there for her no matter what.
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With every passing day, I try my hardest to be the best wife, mother, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, and daughter I can be. It's not easy but with me being able to write and share my emotions and feelings, it is helping. When I first started this blog, it was to be able to better my self and that is what I am trying to do.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Every day struggles
Something about today has brought me to my blog. Like I've said in the past these last four years have probably been the hardest and the happiest of my life. I got married to a wonderful man, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, I was blessed with an amazing job, and I have been blessed with amazing friends. The hard part is learning how to deal with things that haunt my every thought. These are thoughts that not a lot of people know I deal with everyday. I don't even think my husband does. Everyday, from start to end, I think about my brother, I think about my son, I think about my Grandma, I think about my mom, I think about my brother in-law, I think about my niece, I think about the little angels in my life that passed away. All of these thoughts spin around in my head and are never ending. Some days, all I want to do is sleep, thinking maybe they will go away. In reality, I know I can't do that. I know that I have to get up every day and make sure my family is taken care of, my son is loved and healthy and happy. I have to get up and face the reality of what life has brought me and what life knew I could and will handle.
In the past few weeks, things have been brought to the surface that maybe I didn't need to know, but I'm glad I do know. My thoughts this week have been with my Grandma, it's a weird feeling, that I can't even describe. I know that the day she left earth, she never really left me. For three days she has been on my mind, like she was trying to tell me something. Lately my son has been asking about where things come from, what is God, did God make this, did God do that. I'm not a very religious person but I think my son needs to now a little about everything so we tell him as much as a three year old can understand. The other day he said "Mommy, great Grandma is at God's house right?" He was only 18 months when she passed away, so how he remembered that is beyond me but I think she is with me this week. Telling me everything is going to be okay.
I think she is doing what she couldn't do here on earth and that is "fixing" what needed to be fixed. My brother enrolled himself in a program this week to help him with his addiction and I could not be more proud. He is on his way to recovery, not just sobriety and he is beginning to see what "happy" can be like. He is no longer self medicating, he is seeing an actual medical doctor. This not only is going to "fix" him, but it is going to "fix" me and my mom. We no longer have to worry as much.
I don't think people are given more than they can handle and I think everything happens for a reason, we just may not know what the reason is at the time. I don't know why my Grandma was taken from us so early, but I do know she lives in us everyday, and I do believe she takes turns making sure we are okay and we are happy. This week just happen to be mine. As I finish my week, I will try and remember what is important in life and not let the little things bother me. There are people with bigger problems and bigger issues, there are people that need help more than I do. I will end this with a song that is appropriate for this week. I've listened to it every day over and over.
In the past few weeks, things have been brought to the surface that maybe I didn't need to know, but I'm glad I do know. My thoughts this week have been with my Grandma, it's a weird feeling, that I can't even describe. I know that the day she left earth, she never really left me. For three days she has been on my mind, like she was trying to tell me something. Lately my son has been asking about where things come from, what is God, did God make this, did God do that. I'm not a very religious person but I think my son needs to now a little about everything so we tell him as much as a three year old can understand. The other day he said "Mommy, great Grandma is at God's house right?" He was only 18 months when she passed away, so how he remembered that is beyond me but I think she is with me this week. Telling me everything is going to be okay.
I think she is doing what she couldn't do here on earth and that is "fixing" what needed to be fixed. My brother enrolled himself in a program this week to help him with his addiction and I could not be more proud. He is on his way to recovery, not just sobriety and he is beginning to see what "happy" can be like. He is no longer self medicating, he is seeing an actual medical doctor. This not only is going to "fix" him, but it is going to "fix" me and my mom. We no longer have to worry as much.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
And another one.....
Somethings in life we can not change, somethings we can not predict, and most things we can not control. Everyone in their lives have made mistakes, done things they regret, and hurt people they did not mean to hurt. In every one's life journey we hope out of all of these faults, we come out stronger, wiser, and able to be more acceptable of things and people around us. In our many struggles in life, there are always people along the way that make an impact in our lives, change the way we think, and sometimes the course our life is going to take. In my life I have been very lucky and have surrounded my self by people who have changed my life for the better. I have chosen to become a better person, despite what I could have become. Yes there are things that I do regret, things that I wish I could change, things I wish I did not do, but I have come out stronger, wiser and I am able to be more understanding to those people around me who struggle with things I can relate to.
There is one person in my life who I can honestly say has impacted my life the most, and I hate to keep bringing this up but I feel the need to continue to write about this and continue to cope with my addiction. This person is my brother. My brother has struggled and is still struggling with addition, with his struggle I also struggle. Everyday I learn something new, I think I've seen and heard all that I can hear, then a new day comes and I am wrong. I know that my brother has made bad choices, has hurt many people along the way, has become a product of what we all did not want him be. But for those people who still think my brother is this person, I think these people should realize this is because you are close minded, do not have a heart to forgive. You have to remember that people do and can change, people can surprise you. Through all our struggles, I know he is not 100 percent better, but I do know one thing, he is trying, he is regretful for everything he has put not only his family, but his friends through.
For someone to sit there and still look down upon my brother or any person who has struggled with this horrible disease and are trying to get recover, brings me feelings I can not even describe. Feelings that I do not even want to accept, because I am not sure what will be done or said. All I know and all I can say, is that as of right now, I am proud of the obstacles my brother has over come. He has proved to me that he can do anything he puts his mind to, he can achieve his dreams if he tries. I do know that he has a lot more obstacles ahead of him and a lot more things to prove to me, to be able to gain my trust completely, but for the time being, I can't do much but be there for him.
To those people who are so closed minded to hold one judgement upon someone, I feel sorry for them. It shows that some people are still brought up to think that no one makes mistakes and that everyone is perfect. I feel sorry for these people, whose minds don't let them think freely, who are so controlled by society that they can not realize that there are good in people even if they have done bad things.
I just hope with the many years to come, I can show my son how to be a good person, how to see the good in people, even if they have chosen to do bad things in the past. Addiction is a disease that controls your mind and body. It creates you to do things you would not normally do when you are sober, it creates a monster inside of you that you did not know was there.
There is one person in my life who I can honestly say has impacted my life the most, and I hate to keep bringing this up but I feel the need to continue to write about this and continue to cope with my addiction. This person is my brother. My brother has struggled and is still struggling with addition, with his struggle I also struggle. Everyday I learn something new, I think I've seen and heard all that I can hear, then a new day comes and I am wrong. I know that my brother has made bad choices, has hurt many people along the way, has become a product of what we all did not want him be. But for those people who still think my brother is this person, I think these people should realize this is because you are close minded, do not have a heart to forgive. You have to remember that people do and can change, people can surprise you. Through all our struggles, I know he is not 100 percent better, but I do know one thing, he is trying, he is regretful for everything he has put not only his family, but his friends through.
For someone to sit there and still look down upon my brother or any person who has struggled with this horrible disease and are trying to get recover, brings me feelings I can not even describe. Feelings that I do not even want to accept, because I am not sure what will be done or said. All I know and all I can say, is that as of right now, I am proud of the obstacles my brother has over come. He has proved to me that he can do anything he puts his mind to, he can achieve his dreams if he tries. I do know that he has a lot more obstacles ahead of him and a lot more things to prove to me, to be able to gain my trust completely, but for the time being, I can't do much but be there for him.
To those people who are so closed minded to hold one judgement upon someone, I feel sorry for them. It shows that some people are still brought up to think that no one makes mistakes and that everyone is perfect. I feel sorry for these people, whose minds don't let them think freely, who are so controlled by society that they can not realize that there are good in people even if they have done bad things.
I just hope with the many years to come, I can show my son how to be a good person, how to see the good in people, even if they have chosen to do bad things in the past. Addiction is a disease that controls your mind and body. It creates you to do things you would not normally do when you are sober, it creates a monster inside of you that you did not know was there.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Just trying to help
I'm not sure how much of this I'm comfortable with sharing but here it goes... I've always been the one people come to when things go bad, I've put a lot of weight on my shoulders when it comes to my brother, my sister, my brother in-law, my husband, my mother. My mom knows this best out of everyone, but as much as she wants to tell me everything going on in her life, she can't tell me everything because she's all I'll do is worry. And part of me wants her to tell me everything, to confide in me, the other part knows she's right. Just like when my Grandma got sick, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, it took me a long time to realize, I couldn't change things. I can't be with everyone, every step of their day. I have to live my life, my way. This as always is easier said then done. I'm slowly learning this and maybe, just maybe by the time I'm 30, I'll get the hang of it. For now, my obsessive behavior is just another part of who I am. Recently, I heard this song and those of you who watch the show, knows where it came from, it may be kind of dorky, but I thought it fit me perfect. I always am the one who tries to fix people, I always tell my brother don't wear your heart on your sleeve, but I should practice what I preach. I was given a big heart, and a lot of times I wear where everyone can see it, sometimes it gets me in trouble. I don't know what will come of me posting this, maybe I will just get this off my chest. Who knows, but I thought I would share.
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
To be better...
I've talked about the things that have happened to me in pretty much the last four years, some of them good, some of them not so good, but over all I think I've become a better person. At least I try to be, my husband on the other hand may have some different comments. All I can say is that I'm trying. I've become a little more obsessive, a little more OCD, and little bit more difficult to live with. But what can I say, it's who I am. Lately though, I've become a person who I am trying very hard not to be.
Three years ago, I was blessed with my angel. From the very first day, all 8 lbs 9 oz of him, he was an angel. He was born with his eyes wide open, wanting more, more knowledge, more love, more need for information. He brought joy into so many peoples lives, it's unbelievable. He was able to give my Grandma, the strength to hold on for a couple more years, he gave my in-laws a little more hope (we just lost another little angel, my nephew and their grandson), he gave me a sense of belonging, and my husband what he had always wanted. I tried every day from that point forward to be the best mom I could be. Yes, I made mistakes, I didn't do everything by the book, I wish I could stay home with him instead of work, but I try.
Sometimes in the middle of everything going on, I loose my temper. I try to teach him things he needs to do to be the best person he possibly can be. I try to sit with him every chance I get to teach him what he needs to know. I try to protect him from every thing he needs to be protected from and sometimes in the middle of things, I say things I don't really mean. I've done this to my brother in-law, to my husband, to my brother, to my sister, and for everything I've said I do regret. I even sometimes obsess over the stupid little things, that most people have long forgotten.
I'm not sure where this mean streak has come from, I don't know if it's just mothers instinct or if I've just become that person. I do know one thing, I hate it when I take it out on my son. I don't want to be that mom that has no patients, I don't want to be that mom that never plays with her son when he asks. I want to be the mom who is always playing with him, always spending time with him. I know it's hard to be a working mom and do everything I want to with him, but I will try. I will try to be the best mom he will ever have, I will try to do better, I will try to be a better person for him.
In my journey to become a better person and mother, I have made one of his tasks for the day to play out side with mommy and to do his ABC's everyday. So far, it's helped and all I can do is keep trying, keep my head up and not let the little things get me down. I can only do so much and hope that my obsessive behavior doesn't get the best of me.
Three years ago, I was blessed with my angel. From the very first day, all 8 lbs 9 oz of him, he was an angel. He was born with his eyes wide open, wanting more, more knowledge, more love, more need for information. He brought joy into so many peoples lives, it's unbelievable. He was able to give my Grandma, the strength to hold on for a couple more years, he gave my in-laws a little more hope (we just lost another little angel, my nephew and their grandson), he gave me a sense of belonging, and my husband what he had always wanted. I tried every day from that point forward to be the best mom I could be. Yes, I made mistakes, I didn't do everything by the book, I wish I could stay home with him instead of work, but I try.
Sometimes in the middle of everything going on, I loose my temper. I try to teach him things he needs to do to be the best person he possibly can be. I try to sit with him every chance I get to teach him what he needs to know. I try to protect him from every thing he needs to be protected from and sometimes in the middle of things, I say things I don't really mean. I've done this to my brother in-law, to my husband, to my brother, to my sister, and for everything I've said I do regret. I even sometimes obsess over the stupid little things, that most people have long forgotten.
I'm not sure where this mean streak has come from, I don't know if it's just mothers instinct or if I've just become that person. I do know one thing, I hate it when I take it out on my son. I don't want to be that mom that has no patients, I don't want to be that mom that never plays with her son when he asks. I want to be the mom who is always playing with him, always spending time with him. I know it's hard to be a working mom and do everything I want to with him, but I will try. I will try to be the best mom he will ever have, I will try to do better, I will try to be a better person for him.
In my journey to become a better person and mother, I have made one of his tasks for the day to play out side with mommy and to do his ABC's everyday. So far, it's helped and all I can do is keep trying, keep my head up and not let the little things get me down. I can only do so much and hope that my obsessive behavior doesn't get the best of me.
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