This is the last time, you say
After the last time today.
Not even sure what I did
Nothing to hide, but my pain
You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for every time
I'd own the bank
Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your past
You were the greatest
But you'd rather contiue the chase
You don't even listen to what I say
'Cause the game you'd rather play
I try to make you see,
I'd rather not be the the one to say,
but sometimes it just is that way.
I don't want to be the bad guy,
I'd rather be on your side.
Wanna be your lover, and not you're fucking back up plan
Can't be your savior, I don't have the power
You say you have to do what's right,
Whatever, if it helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despise
You had the world in the palm of your hands
But your fucking choking
You should be my teammate
I thought I could change your fate
You say that you love me
But you don't ever show me.
All I do is try,
I'm sorry I can't be what you want,
Seems like all I do is cry.
All I want is for you to come back.
With this being the last blog I post on Facebook, I want to say thank you for those of you have read them and thank you for those who will continue to read them. Somethings in my life just need to change. I've tried all I could, I've given all my efforts, I'm out of answers.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
If you're coming over to see my house please make an appointment....
Really I haven't had any thing to write about in the past few weeks. Even though my mind goes a mile a minute, it's been hard to actually sit down and write about anything. When you are a full time mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and work full time, things can often get a little crazy. I often try and tell my self to calm down, to take it one day at a time. There are more important things in life, but like anything else, it's easier said than done. With having a three year old, you often wonder if you are doing the right thing, are you teaching them the skills they need to begin school, are you doing the right thing to make them ready for life. I guess we don't know the answers to these questions until the day they are actually grown and you can see the life they have created for themselves and the life you helped guide.
My sister and I are 5 years apart, so I remember her being little and when she did her first things. I remember when she was about 3 or 4, she started signing songs and I always thought it was hilarious that this little annoying person (at least that's what I thought she was at the time) could even know the words to the songs. Now as I became a parent and have a three year old, I remember these memories and it makes me sad a lot of times to think how big my son has gotten and that he is now going to form his own opinions, his own thoughts, his own likes and dislikes. Sometimes he knows more about current music than I do. He recently has come home and started signing songs from the radio that I have no clue who signs them. The songs I do know, I try to get for him and of course we listen to them at least 5 times on the way to and from school. So needless to say, I know all the words to I'm sexy and I know it.
You often hear things about "terrible twos", I don't believe a word of that. Not that three is a bad age, but it defiantly makes a person sit and think about the important things in life. He seems to make my days go by faster, he always makes me smile daily, he always pushes my buttons daily, and he always manages to make me yell at least once a day. I often have to take a step back and remember he still is little, he still can cry and need his Mommy, he still is not capable of explaining his every need or want. I think most of this is because he acts so much older than he actually is. Every day though he manages to teach me something new and makes me think about things in a different way.
My sister and I are 5 years apart, so I remember her being little and when she did her first things. I remember when she was about 3 or 4, she started signing songs and I always thought it was hilarious that this little annoying person (at least that's what I thought she was at the time) could even know the words to the songs. Now as I became a parent and have a three year old, I remember these memories and it makes me sad a lot of times to think how big my son has gotten and that he is now going to form his own opinions, his own thoughts, his own likes and dislikes. Sometimes he knows more about current music than I do. He recently has come home and started signing songs from the radio that I have no clue who signs them. The songs I do know, I try to get for him and of course we listen to them at least 5 times on the way to and from school. So needless to say, I know all the words to I'm sexy and I know it.
You often hear things about "terrible twos", I don't believe a word of that. Not that three is a bad age, but it defiantly makes a person sit and think about the important things in life. He seems to make my days go by faster, he always makes me smile daily, he always pushes my buttons daily, and he always manages to make me yell at least once a day. I often have to take a step back and remember he still is little, he still can cry and need his Mommy, he still is not capable of explaining his every need or want. I think most of this is because he acts so much older than he actually is. Every day though he manages to teach me something new and makes me think about things in a different way.
As much as I write about addiction and about the things in my life that could be better, I always need to remember that there is the most amazing little boy who needs me, who wants me, who makes my life and every day events that much better.
I just wanted to end this with a quote that someone posted on Face book. I think it holds true to any mother. I realize that sometimes I am a little obsessive about cleaning and keeping things clean:
You've become what you despise
If it's not one thing it another right? At least, that's the way it seems in my life right now. We've got one addiction taken care of for right now and in comes another. I feel like all I do is fight addiction for other people. It literally makes my stomach hurt. Recently, my son has come across music that he likes and one artist was Katy Perry. Never did I think that a song of hers would make me cry, but I was wrong. I've changed some of the words, for obvious reasons but this song fits perfectly.
This is the last time you say
After the last line you break
It's not even a holiday
Nothing to celebrate
You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for everytime
I'd overbank
Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your addiction
You could've been the greatest
But you'd rather get wasted
You fall asleep during the day
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down
Wanna be your sister
Not your f****** mother
Can't be your saviour
I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain
You say you have to write your rhymes
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despiseA stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll
But you're really just a joke
Had the world in the palm of your hands
But you f****** choked
Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me
You won't remember in the morning
This is the last time you say
After the last line you break
It's not even a holiday
Nothing to celebrate
You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for everytime
I'd overbank
Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your addiction
You could've been the greatest
But you'd rather get wasted
You fall asleep during the day
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down
Wanna be your sister
Not your f****** mother
Can't be your saviour
I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain
You say you have to write your rhymes
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despiseA stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll
But you're really just a joke
Had the world in the palm of your hands
But you f****** choked
Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me
You won't remember in the morning
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Buggie....
When I started this journey of motherhood 3 and half years ago, never did I think my days would be filled with superheros and hot wheels. From the day he was born and I looked in his big brown eyes, I knew he was meant for greatness. Everyday I learn, see and hear something new. Never did I think I would be cutting some one's hair like Peter Parker or Iron man, but my son has managed to make these magical things happen. Everyday he teaches me something new and everyday he learns something new.
When I started this journey I tried to do everything by the book, I read every baby book I could, I read every article I could, then again Jaidyn managed to teach me that you can't go by books, you can't rely on articles, you have to rely on your heart. He has taught me to believe, to dream, to feel, to make things happen that I could have never thought possible.
When I started this journey never did I think my nights would be filled with story book readings, kisses, and snuggles. I never thought I would be putting a sleeping angel to bed. And again he taught me that watching him sleep is the best thing I could see all day.
When I started this journey I did know one thing, that my son, my angel, my star, my everything, would help me breathe, help me get through my struggles, my life and make things better. I did know that with just one look into his eyes I would know what love is, I would know what laughter is and I would know what happiness is.
I can't imagine my life any other way, I can't imagine what it would be like without having this amazing little person in my life. He has helped me grow, helped me breathe, helped me laugh, helped me be a better person. I believe everything happens for a reason and he was brought into my life and brought into this world for a reason. I don't know what his calling is yet, but I do know it will be great and he was brought into my world so I wouldn't feel lost, I would be able to keep my head up, I would be able to smile even though I don't feel like it.
When I started this journey I tried to do everything by the book, I read every baby book I could, I read every article I could, then again Jaidyn managed to teach me that you can't go by books, you can't rely on articles, you have to rely on your heart. He has taught me to believe, to dream, to feel, to make things happen that I could have never thought possible.
When I started this journey never did I think my nights would be filled with story book readings, kisses, and snuggles. I never thought I would be putting a sleeping angel to bed. And again he taught me that watching him sleep is the best thing I could see all day.
When I started this journey I did know one thing, that my son, my angel, my star, my everything, would help me breathe, help me get through my struggles, my life and make things better. I did know that with just one look into his eyes I would know what love is, I would know what laughter is and I would know what happiness is.
I can't imagine my life any other way, I can't imagine what it would be like without having this amazing little person in my life. He has helped me grow, helped me breathe, helped me laugh, helped me be a better person. I believe everything happens for a reason and he was brought into my life and brought into this world for a reason. I don't know what his calling is yet, but I do know it will be great and he was brought into my world so I wouldn't feel lost, I would be able to keep my head up, I would be able to smile even though I don't feel like it.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Beauty Contest
I started this blog about a week ago and couldn't figure out what I wanted to write about. So many thoughts running through my head. Any ways, this week I thought it would be fitting to write about my struggles, that most people might think I'm out of my mind but it's a really struggle I go through everyday (you can ask my husband, I think I drive him batty). Here it is....... Weight. I've never been super thin, but after I had Jaidyn I could never get back to where I wanted to be, and I know (because I've heard this from so many people) that after you have babies your body goes through a lot of changes. I get this and understand, however, with this said, I have had all the blood work done possible to test everything possible and still have not received any answers. I do work out everyday, I am lucky enough that my work provides us with a gym. I don't eat red meat, I eat healthy and try and take care of my body as much as I can. Yet with all this being done, nothing, nada, has come off. I can't tell you how frustrated I am with the whole process, the other day while on the elliptical I thought to my self "Why am I doing this? It doesn't work for me any ways." It's an endless cycle that no matter what I probably won't be happy with the way I look.
At this point I'm not sure what else I can do, I've tried weight watchers, I've tried counting calories, eating off smaller plates, etc... Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss for words and don't know where to start or begin. I've been to my doctor and was given little advice, I don't know where to get a second opinion or even what I should do. I have been thinner which is why it's so frustrating to me. It's gotten to the point where I hate shopping, I hate looking at my self in the mirror. My self esteem has become very low. I can't afford to go to the weight loss clinics, although I would love to.
I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone out there has any advice.. For those of you who don't know me, I am a huge No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan and I found this one probably about ten years ago that really sums up everything. Not only for me but for all females. Please if you have advice, I would love to hear it. I have pretty much tried everything.
At this point I'm not sure what else I can do, I've tried weight watchers, I've tried counting calories, eating off smaller plates, etc... Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss for words and don't know where to start or begin. I've been to my doctor and was given little advice, I don't know where to get a second opinion or even what I should do. I have been thinner which is why it's so frustrating to me. It's gotten to the point where I hate shopping, I hate looking at my self in the mirror. My self esteem has become very low. I can't afford to go to the weight loss clinics, although I would love to.
I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone out there has any advice.. For those of you who don't know me, I am a huge No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan and I found this one probably about ten years ago that really sums up everything. Not only for me but for all females. Please if you have advice, I would love to hear it. I have pretty much tried everything.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Just another cycle
In my struggle to keep up with my thoughts of my brother, I sometimes forget about my own thoughts, my own wishes, my own needs. I guess in a way my addiction to him has gotten the best of me. Not only am I addicted to getting him better but I am now seeing I am addicted to just getting anyone better from this horrible illness. My brother doesn't share his stories with us, and I guess I am thankful for this, I think it would be to much for me. To this day, I still hold this horrible image of him using and I can't get it out of my head. I try to escape these thoughts and need to help people but something still keeps me fighting for them. I know I can't save the world but I can't just sit back and do nothing either. It's cycle that I hope goes away.
However, I have come to realize that there are more important things in life than to sit and dwell on what would have or could have happened. My son, who is my shining star, my whole world, my everything, has made me realize this. He needs his mom to be there for him, show him that it's okay to fight for what you believe in, yet still not let it consume your life. I want to show him that his mother is a strong person, a person who will do anything for him, yet show him how to be respectful as well. This past weekend, I have just been lost in my thoughts and thinking about the world around me. Just recently my husband had to go back to his home town in Illinois for a visit that was necessary but the circumstances were horrific. While he was there he got to meet our niece, who is almost 6 moths old. I can't explain how much love I have for her and I haven't even met her. Every time I get a picture of her, she brightens my day. I want to be the aunt that she can turn to when things are bad, I want to be the aunt that she loves and comes to when she has problems and can ask advice on things that she can't ask her mom and dad. I hope that one day I can actually meet her and see her beautiful face in person but for now pictures will have to do. I hope that her dad (my brother in-law) will always tell her that I will always be there for her no matter what.
I have all these thoughts that run through my head and I don't even know if she will ever know them. I just felt that I needed to write about them today, that maybe with these thoughts being on paper will make me feel better. Because I mentioned how her face makes my day brighter, I have to share one of her many beautiful pictures.
(Please don't get me wrong, the wonderful children in my life that are here in Arizona, I want to be just as an amazing aunt to them as well, there was just something in my heart that lead me to writing about Lilly this morning.)
With every passing day, I try my hardest to be the best wife, mother, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, and daughter I can be. It's not easy but with me being able to write and share my emotions and feelings, it is helping. When I first started this blog, it was to be able to better my self and that is what I am trying to do.
However, I have come to realize that there are more important things in life than to sit and dwell on what would have or could have happened. My son, who is my shining star, my whole world, my everything, has made me realize this. He needs his mom to be there for him, show him that it's okay to fight for what you believe in, yet still not let it consume your life. I want to show him that his mother is a strong person, a person who will do anything for him, yet show him how to be respectful as well. This past weekend, I have just been lost in my thoughts and thinking about the world around me. Just recently my husband had to go back to his home town in Illinois for a visit that was necessary but the circumstances were horrific. While he was there he got to meet our niece, who is almost 6 moths old. I can't explain how much love I have for her and I haven't even met her. Every time I get a picture of her, she brightens my day. I want to be the aunt that she can turn to when things are bad, I want to be the aunt that she loves and comes to when she has problems and can ask advice on things that she can't ask her mom and dad. I hope that one day I can actually meet her and see her beautiful face in person but for now pictures will have to do. I hope that her dad (my brother in-law) will always tell her that I will always be there for her no matter what.
 |
With every passing day, I try my hardest to be the best wife, mother, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, and daughter I can be. It's not easy but with me being able to write and share my emotions and feelings, it is helping. When I first started this blog, it was to be able to better my self and that is what I am trying to do.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Every day struggles
Something about today has brought me to my blog. Like I've said in the past these last four years have probably been the hardest and the happiest of my life. I got married to a wonderful man, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, I was blessed with an amazing job, and I have been blessed with amazing friends. The hard part is learning how to deal with things that haunt my every thought. These are thoughts that not a lot of people know I deal with everyday. I don't even think my husband does. Everyday, from start to end, I think about my brother, I think about my son, I think about my Grandma, I think about my mom, I think about my brother in-law, I think about my niece, I think about the little angels in my life that passed away. All of these thoughts spin around in my head and are never ending. Some days, all I want to do is sleep, thinking maybe they will go away. In reality, I know I can't do that. I know that I have to get up every day and make sure my family is taken care of, my son is loved and healthy and happy. I have to get up and face the reality of what life has brought me and what life knew I could and will handle.
In the past few weeks, things have been brought to the surface that maybe I didn't need to know, but I'm glad I do know. My thoughts this week have been with my Grandma, it's a weird feeling, that I can't even describe. I know that the day she left earth, she never really left me. For three days she has been on my mind, like she was trying to tell me something. Lately my son has been asking about where things come from, what is God, did God make this, did God do that. I'm not a very religious person but I think my son needs to now a little about everything so we tell him as much as a three year old can understand. The other day he said "Mommy, great Grandma is at God's house right?" He was only 18 months when she passed away, so how he remembered that is beyond me but I think she is with me this week. Telling me everything is going to be okay.
I think she is doing what she couldn't do here on earth and that is "fixing" what needed to be fixed. My brother enrolled himself in a program this week to help him with his addiction and I could not be more proud. He is on his way to recovery, not just sobriety and he is beginning to see what "happy" can be like. He is no longer self medicating, he is seeing an actual medical doctor. This not only is going to "fix" him, but it is going to "fix" me and my mom. We no longer have to worry as much.
I don't think people are given more than they can handle and I think everything happens for a reason, we just may not know what the reason is at the time. I don't know why my Grandma was taken from us so early, but I do know she lives in us everyday, and I do believe she takes turns making sure we are okay and we are happy. This week just happen to be mine. As I finish my week, I will try and remember what is important in life and not let the little things bother me. There are people with bigger problems and bigger issues, there are people that need help more than I do. I will end this with a song that is appropriate for this week. I've listened to it every day over and over.
In the past few weeks, things have been brought to the surface that maybe I didn't need to know, but I'm glad I do know. My thoughts this week have been with my Grandma, it's a weird feeling, that I can't even describe. I know that the day she left earth, she never really left me. For three days she has been on my mind, like she was trying to tell me something. Lately my son has been asking about where things come from, what is God, did God make this, did God do that. I'm not a very religious person but I think my son needs to now a little about everything so we tell him as much as a three year old can understand. The other day he said "Mommy, great Grandma is at God's house right?" He was only 18 months when she passed away, so how he remembered that is beyond me but I think she is with me this week. Telling me everything is going to be okay.
I think she is doing what she couldn't do here on earth and that is "fixing" what needed to be fixed. My brother enrolled himself in a program this week to help him with his addiction and I could not be more proud. He is on his way to recovery, not just sobriety and he is beginning to see what "happy" can be like. He is no longer self medicating, he is seeing an actual medical doctor. This not only is going to "fix" him, but it is going to "fix" me and my mom. We no longer have to worry as much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)