Wedding Day

On our wedding day, I thought of these words in my head. Sometimes we both forget. Sometimes it's hard, and we were dealt these hands in cards, so let's play them and make the best of what we were given.

Run, running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me, I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most

And I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up, lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Running, running, as fast as we can
Do you think you'll make it?
We're running, keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

Be, be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me

Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
I really hope you'll make it
We're running, keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

They can all get f**ked, just stay true to you....

I've been trying to figure out a way to express what's been going on, there isn't really a way to express it. I was on my way to work this morning and my iPod was on shuffle and this song came up, it fits my feelings pretty much. I had to share it and had to make my voice count. Seems like lately, I've been on the back burner of so many. I've been trying to keep my head up and just think about my son, sometimes it's just hard.


Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick this shit back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick up this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Every thing's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Sheena you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes


Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Grandma always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

To my babies
Stay strong, Mommy and Auntie will always be here

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

Last time

This is the last time, you say
After the last time today.
Not even sure what I did
Nothing to hide, but my pain

You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for every time
I'd own the bank

Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your past
You were the greatest
But you'd rather contiue the chase

You don't even listen to what I say
'Cause the game you'd rather play
I try to make you see,
I'd rather not be the the one to say,
but sometimes it just is that way.
I don't want to be the bad guy,
I'd rather be on your side.

Wanna be your lover, and not you're fucking back up plan
Can't be your savior, I don't have the power

You say you have to do what's right,
Whatever, if it helps you sleep at night

You've become what you despise

You had the world in the palm of your hands
But your fucking choking

You should be my teammate
I thought I could change your fate
You say that you love me
But you don't ever show me.

All I do is try,
I'm sorry I can't be what you want,
Seems like all I do is cry.
All I want is for you to come back.

With this being the last blog I post on Facebook, I want to say thank you for those of you have read them and thank you for those who will continue to read them. Somethings in my life just need to change. I've tried all I could, I've given all my efforts, I'm out of answers.

If you're coming over to see my house please make an appointment....

Really I haven't had any thing to write about in the past few weeks. Even though my mind goes a mile a minute, it's been hard to actually sit down and write about anything. When you are a full time mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and work full time, things can often get a little crazy. I often try and tell my self to calm down, to take it one day at a time. There are more important things in life, but like anything else, it's easier said than done. With having a three year old, you often wonder if you are doing the right thing, are you teaching them the skills they need to begin school, are you doing the right thing to make them ready for life. I guess we don't know the answers to these questions until the day they are actually grown and you can see the life they have created for themselves and the life you helped guide.

My sister and I are 5 years apart, so I remember her being little and when she did her first things. I remember when she was about 3 or 4, she started signing songs and I always thought it was hilarious that this little annoying person (at least that's what I thought she was at the time) could even know the words to the songs. Now as I became a parent and have a three year old, I remember these memories and it makes me sad a lot of times to think how big my son has gotten and that he is now going to form his own opinions, his own thoughts, his own likes and dislikes. Sometimes he knows more about current music than I do. He recently has come home and started signing songs from the radio that I have no clue who signs them. The songs I do know, I try to get for him and of course we listen to them at least 5 times on the way to and from school. So needless to say, I know all the words to I'm sexy and I know it.

You often hear things about "terrible twos", I don't believe a word of that. Not that three is a bad age, but it defiantly makes a person sit and think about the important things in life. He seems to make my days go by faster, he always makes me smile daily, he always pushes my buttons daily, and he always manages to make me yell at least once a day. I often have to take a step back and remember he still is little, he still can cry and need his Mommy, he still is not capable of explaining his every need or want. I think most of this is because he acts so much older than he actually is. Every day though he manages to teach me something new and makes me think about things in a different way.

As much as I write about addiction and about the things in my life that could be better, I always need to remember that there is the most amazing little boy who needs me, who wants me, who makes my life and every day events that much better.

I just wanted to end this with a quote that someone posted on Face book. I think it holds true to any mother. I realize that sometimes I am a little obsessive about cleaning and keeping things clean:

Dirty dishes prove I feed my family. Full trash can means I clean up after them. Messy floors mean I let my child have fun. Pile of unfolded laundry means I keep my family in clean clothes. Wet bathroom means my kid took a shower! So the next time you walk into my house and see a "mess" think twice before you judge. If you come over to see us, come on in...if you're coming over to see my house please make an appointment. 



You've become what you despise

If it's not one thing it another right? At least, that's the way it seems in my life right now. We've got one addiction taken care of for right now and in comes another. I feel like all I do is fight addiction for other people. It literally makes my stomach hurt. Recently, my son has come across music that he likes and one artist was Katy Perry. Never did I think that a song of hers would make me cry, but I was wrong. I've changed some of the words, for obvious reasons but this song fits perfectly.

This is the last time you say
After the last line you break
It's not even a holiday
Nothing to celebrate
You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for everytime
I'd overbank

Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your addiction
You could've been the greatest
But you'd rather get wasted
You fall asleep during the day
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down

Wanna be your sister
Not your f****** mother
Can't be your saviour
I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain

You say you have to write your rhymes
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despiseA stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll
But you're really just a joke
Had the world in the palm of your hands
But you f****** choked

Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me
You won't remember in the morning

Buggie....

When I started this journey of motherhood 3 and half years ago, never did I think my days would be filled with superheros and hot wheels. From the day he was born and I looked in his big brown eyes, I knew he was meant for greatness. Everyday I learn, see and hear something new. Never did I think I would be cutting some one's hair like Peter Parker or Iron man, but my son has managed to make these magical things happen. Everyday he teaches me something new and everyday he learns something new.

When I started this journey I tried to do everything by the book, I read every baby book I could, I read every article I could, then again Jaidyn managed to teach me that you can't go by books, you can't rely on articles, you have to rely on your heart. He has taught me to believe, to dream, to feel, to make things happen that I could have never thought possible.

When I started this journey never did I think my nights would be filled with story book readings, kisses, and snuggles. I never thought I would be putting a sleeping angel to bed. And again he taught me that watching him sleep is the best thing I could see all day.

When I started this journey I did know one thing, that my son, my angel, my star, my everything, would help me breathe, help me get through my struggles, my life and make things better. I did know that with just one look into his eyes I would know what love is, I would know what laughter is and I would know what happiness is.

I can't imagine my life any other way, I can't imagine what it would be like without having this amazing little person in my life. He has helped me grow, helped me breathe, helped me laugh, helped me be a better person. I believe everything happens for a reason and he was brought into my life and brought into this world for a reason. I don't know what his calling is yet, but I do know it will be great and he was brought into my world so I wouldn't feel lost, I would be able to keep my head up, I would be able to smile even though I don't feel like it.

Beauty Contest

I started this blog about a week ago and couldn't figure out what I wanted to write about. So many thoughts running through my head. Any ways, this week I thought it would be fitting to write about my struggles, that most people might think I'm out of my mind but it's a really struggle I go through everyday (you can ask my husband, I think I drive him batty). Here it is....... Weight. I've never been super thin, but after I had Jaidyn I could never get back to where I wanted to be, and I know (because I've heard this from so many people) that after you have babies your body goes through a lot of changes. I get this and understand, however, with this said, I have had all the blood work done possible to test everything possible and still have not received any answers. I do work out everyday, I am lucky enough that my work provides us with a gym. I don't eat red meat, I eat healthy and try and take care of my body as much as I can. Yet with all this being done, nothing, nada, has come off. I can't tell you how frustrated I am with the whole process, the other day while on the elliptical I thought to my self "Why am I doing this? It doesn't work for me any ways." It's an endless cycle that no matter what I probably won't be happy with the way I look.

At this point I'm not sure what else I can do, I've tried weight watchers, I've tried counting calories, eating off smaller plates, etc... Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss for words and don't know where to start or begin. I've been to my doctor and was given little advice, I don't know where to get a second opinion or even what I should do. I have been thinner which is why it's so frustrating to me. It's gotten to the point where I hate shopping, I hate looking at my self in the mirror. My self esteem has become very low. I can't afford to go to the weight loss clinics, although I would love to.

I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone out there has any advice.. For those of you who don't know me, I am a huge No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan and I found this one probably about ten years ago that really sums up everything. Not only for me but for all females. Please if you have advice, I would love to hear it. I have pretty much tried everything.