I've talked about the things that have happened to me in pretty much the last four years, some of them good, some of them not so good, but over all I think I've become a better person. At least I try to be, my husband on the other hand may have some different comments. All I can say is that I'm trying. I've become a little more obsessive, a little more OCD, and little bit more difficult to live with. But what can I say, it's who I am. Lately though, I've become a person who I am trying very hard not to be.
Three years ago, I was blessed with my angel. From the very first day, all 8 lbs 9 oz of him, he was an angel. He was born with his eyes wide open, wanting more, more knowledge, more love, more need for information. He brought joy into so many peoples lives, it's unbelievable. He was able to give my Grandma, the strength to hold on for a couple more years, he gave my in-laws a little more hope (we just lost another little angel, my nephew and their grandson), he gave me a sense of belonging, and my husband what he had always wanted. I tried every day from that point forward to be the best mom I could be. Yes, I made mistakes, I didn't do everything by the book, I wish I could stay home with him instead of work, but I try.
Sometimes in the middle of everything going on, I loose my temper. I try to teach him things he needs to do to be the best person he possibly can be. I try to sit with him every chance I get to teach him what he needs to know. I try to protect him from every thing he needs to be protected from and sometimes in the middle of things, I say things I don't really mean. I've done this to my brother in-law, to my husband, to my brother, to my sister, and for everything I've said I do regret. I even sometimes obsess over the stupid little things, that most people have long forgotten.
I'm not sure where this mean streak has come from, I don't know if it's just mothers instinct or if I've just become that person. I do know one thing, I hate it when I take it out on my son. I don't want to be that mom that has no patients, I don't want to be that mom that never plays with her son when he asks. I want to be the mom who is always playing with him, always spending time with him. I know it's hard to be a working mom and do everything I want to with him, but I will try. I will try to be the best mom he will ever have, I will try to do better, I will try to be a better person for him.
In my journey to become a better person and mother, I have made one of his tasks for the day to play out side with mommy and to do his ABC's everyday. So far, it's helped and all I can do is keep trying, keep my head up and not let the little things get me down. I can only do so much and hope that my obsessive behavior doesn't get the best of me.
