To the person who has loved an addict and has been able to let go, you too should consider yourself lucky. But, please remember to not judge those who aren't able to let go. It's not our place to judge.
Unfortunately, I am in neither of these groups. I am the person who can't just let go. Logically, I know it's the best thing to do for myself and him. Logically, I know what it's doing to me from the inside out. I know all of the facts that everyone is always telling me. I know the facts about addition almost better than anyone else I know. I know holding on to a person who has chosen this life over anything, is only causing me pain. I know I can't change him, I know I can't stop him, I know only he can save himself. I know this, I know all of this. I tell myself what everyone else has told me on a daily basis. Do people really think I like to worry 24 hours a day? Do people really think I like searching the jails or calling hospitals everyday? Do people really think I like to be treated as if I'm the crazy person in this situation?
For those of you who are able to let go and let what happens, happen, I admire your strength. I wish I was half as strong as you. But, I have my reasons and I know what I'm doing. I know that heroin has ruined my life and I've never even touched it. I know that becoming a part time detective isn't a normal thing in life.
But let me ask you this. Imagine that you were diagnosed with an illness, that was ultimately life threatening and everyone you knew turned your back on you and called you nothing but a loser. Would this make you want to fight and keep going? Would this want to make you a better person? And what if, not only it was all of your friends that turned your back on you, but all of your family too. Even the one person that stood by you from day one. Would this make you feel like staying alive and fighting?
You see, my addict is my big brother. He has been my whole entire world from day one. Our biological father left when I was only 6 weeks old and never looked back. He too, was a drug addict and the drugs did eventually take his life. We had to protect each other and him being the only male in the house, felt he had to be the only man of the house. As we grew up, he was the person I turned to for just about everything, he was and is my very best friend. Some people say that twins can feel each others pain, we may not be twins but believe me I can feel his pain. I knew he was always into smoking pot or drinking as a teenager but never in my wildest dreams did I think he would turn to something like heroin. Then when I found out it was heroin, never in my wildest dreams did I think he would turn to shooting it up. Then when I found out he was shooting up, never did I think he would become a person who only lived to chase the dragon. It seemed to him that everyone had given up him, everyone had called him nothing but a junkie and wouldn't amount to anything. So, with all of this being said, I couldn't just confirm what he already thinks from everyone else. I can't just sit here and watch him kill himself and not do anything. I can't just push all of this aside and all of what we've been through out the window and not try and help him. I can't and I won't.
If it wasn't for my brother, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be the person who has learned not to judge someone by what they do, I wouldn't be the person who has learned to love someone who doesn't want to be loved. I wouldn't be the person who has compassion and empathy for the drug addict sitting on the street corner. I wouldn't be the person that is writing this. And most importantly, I probably would have ended up in a similar situation. In spite of everything, he still protects/protected me from harm, in his own way. He never let me see him using, he never let me see what drugs looked like, if I was hurt and the doctor gave me a prescription, he always told me I better not be stupid with those, as a teenager, if I wanted to drink or smoke pot, he made sure it was with him. I guess he felt that if one of us could make it in this world, he would rather it be me than him. So, despite what he has done or does, he is and always will be my hero.
So, please before you make the comment to someone still holding on, even if it's by a thread, that they should just let go, remember that not everyone can do that. Not everyone can just stop the tears, the sleepless nights, the nightmares. Some need just enough air to breath when they are being sucked under the water.