I guess life throws things at you so that you learn from them, at least that's what I've been told. Lately I feel like the things that have been thrown at me don't teach me anything but that there is no guarntee in life and the only person you can really count on and depend on is yourself. I find myself thinking about the things that have happened in my life and think I can only take so much. My heart can only take so many holes. Recently another hole was created and I don't know how to fix it.
I know that maybe I'm over sensitive and it shouldn't effect my life the way it does, but I can't help it. I try to be the best person I can be and lately this has been tested and don't know how long I can keep my mouth shut. Every day, I am tested again and try to put a smile on my face and accept the fact that this was the life that was given to me and the life I chose. I chose to help people, I chose to become attached, I chose to love, but why do I have to be punished for loving and helping someone too much?
I often am a good judge in charater and good judge on things that will happen. I knew that it would and I try to speak my up and no body takes me serious. I'm not sure how much more I can take mentally and physcially. I think what hurts me more is that it effects my son, it's always harder on the parent but it still effects him and it breaks my heart.
I am thankful for the friends and family that I do have, but it's always going to be hard for me now to trust and to open up to anyone. I feel like I have to put a barrier between someone and my heart. I can only do so much and I guess that I have done all that I can. I can only hope that in time it will be okay and my heart will heal.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
The silent victim
As I was cleaning the house this morning I was thinking about how many people and families are effected by addiction and how people truly are naive about this horrific diease. I realize that people do have choices in their life and can choose to not become part of a statistic. Maybe that's my addiction is thinking to much about pepole who have been effected and about people who struggle with it.
I've come to realize that even the families of a person who is addicted to drugs can be naive and sometimes worse than strangers. And sadly, children are often the silent victim of drug abuse. The children that are brought into this world were not asked to be born, yet they were given to us as a gift. If you abuse that gift then you have to face the consequences.
I asked my self this several times over the passed few days, would we want to be in a world where we could not see our children grow, smile, learn, laugh, or become the people they are molding themselves into? Would we want to be far away from them and not know what or how they are being treated. Every day we choose to agrue and fight brings us that much closer to being pushed away. Then again, the silent victim become the one that suffers. People often make their children the chess players, if you will, in their life and how they play their games. The challenge of this power is how to use it and not to abuse it. When you abuse it, it reverses on you and only hurts the innocent.
The most important thing to remember when coping with addition or someone who is an addict is they need support. If they don't have the support they need they will fall right back into the habits they have become accustomed to. I also want to make a point of how important family really is and how it can effect a person, negative or positive. One day someone can be right by your side and the next you may never be able to speak to them again. Life is to short to be mad and angry. Remeber also, who has been by your side and who has not.
We've all chosen the situations we've put ourselves in, the only person you can truly count on is yourself. You have to make the choice to over come any obsticles in your way, you have the power to say no, and only you have the power to take your self out of the situation or make the best out of it. We can not change the past, we can not predict the future, we can only make the best out of the present.
I've come to realize that even the families of a person who is addicted to drugs can be naive and sometimes worse than strangers. And sadly, children are often the silent victim of drug abuse. The children that are brought into this world were not asked to be born, yet they were given to us as a gift. If you abuse that gift then you have to face the consequences.
I asked my self this several times over the passed few days, would we want to be in a world where we could not see our children grow, smile, learn, laugh, or become the people they are molding themselves into? Would we want to be far away from them and not know what or how they are being treated. Every day we choose to agrue and fight brings us that much closer to being pushed away. Then again, the silent victim become the one that suffers. People often make their children the chess players, if you will, in their life and how they play their games. The challenge of this power is how to use it and not to abuse it. When you abuse it, it reverses on you and only hurts the innocent.
The most important thing to remember when coping with addition or someone who is an addict is they need support. If they don't have the support they need they will fall right back into the habits they have become accustomed to. I also want to make a point of how important family really is and how it can effect a person, negative or positive. One day someone can be right by your side and the next you may never be able to speak to them again. Life is to short to be mad and angry. Remeber also, who has been by your side and who has not.
We've all chosen the situations we've put ourselves in, the only person you can truly count on is yourself. You have to make the choice to over come any obsticles in your way, you have the power to say no, and only you have the power to take your self out of the situation or make the best out of it. We can not change the past, we can not predict the future, we can only make the best out of the present.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Trying to find a balance
I've come to realize that we can not change our past, we can not predict the future, we can only learn from our past and hope that our future takes the path you want it to. We're given the hands we were dealt with and it's up to us to decide how we want to play them. We have the choice to change what we have become and to change the path our future takes. The only person you can truly depend on is yourself.
I've been very blessed with amazing friend, family, nieces, and nephews. Each day I realize a little bit more about the hand that I was dealt and what path I want my future to take. I'm trying not to take things so personally, I'm trying not to care so much about what I can not control. I know that I have a big heart and most of the time I wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes, I get hurt in the end. In all that I've done, I can honestly say that it was meant well.
Sometimes in reaching out to those you love isn't easy and sometimes they don't want your help. I know this and I know that every support that person has makes them one step closer to being okay. I can not save the world, but I can try one person at a time, starting with the ones I love. I guess I have to find my balance.
I've been very blessed with amazing friend, family, nieces, and nephews. Each day I realize a little bit more about the hand that I was dealt and what path I want my future to take. I'm trying not to take things so personally, I'm trying not to care so much about what I can not control. I know that I have a big heart and most of the time I wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes, I get hurt in the end. In all that I've done, I can honestly say that it was meant well.
Sometimes in reaching out to those you love isn't easy and sometimes they don't want your help. I know this and I know that every support that person has makes them one step closer to being okay. I can not save the world, but I can try one person at a time, starting with the ones I love. I guess I have to find my balance.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Madness
I've wrote a lot of posts about addiction and about how it has changed my life and so many others. Yesterday was a reminder that once you are an addict, you will be for the rest of your life. What you choose to do with your addiction and it's "needs" is up to you and your willingness to be strong. I've been around addiction and mental illness my whole life. I never really knew any different, I just thought that's what was normal. I guess any child in that situation would. Now that I'm older and see my patterns, my addiction, my "mental illness", my child, I realize that it's not "normal". I didn't grow up in an abusive house or grow up with horrible parents, I just grew up with family with OCD, Manic Depression, Depression, Addiction, anger issues, etc.
I've recently read a book called "Madness" and it made me think a lot about mental illness and it's impact on people and their loved ones lives. I myself suffer from mental illness, it may not be as bad as some people's but nonetheless, it's still a mental illness. It's not something that I'm proud of or something I choose to share that often. A lot of times, I try to hide it and have become pretty good at doing so. I do admit that I do have an addiction to pretty much my brother and sometimes I do get a little obsessed about helping others. Sometimes it doesn't do me any good and I end up getting hurt, but sometimes, on the rare occasion it actually helps and makes someone happy. I guess that's all I can ask for. It took me 29 years for my brother to get the help he needed, yet I still have this addiction to him. I know I can't control what he does, he'll be 30 this year, yet I still have uncontrollable thoughts about him. I worry, I try to help him, I often feel sorry for him. Not that he's in a bad situation but because I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't know how to say no. My addiction doesn't just stop at my brother either, it has basically become an addiction to anyone who I think I can help.
I wish I could make people understand my thought process, my way of thinking. It's not something that I want for my self. I wish I could just make these thoughts go away, not care what people think, just relax and not worry so much. But when someone needs help or someone could benefit from me doing something, I can't stop thinking about it. I guess this is what you call obsessive compulsive disorder. My brain doesn't shut off, it keeps thinking about ways to "fix" this person. My husband often tells me, I can't save the whole world. I understand what he is saying, but to me and my brain it doesn't do any good to say things like this.
I do have to give credit to my husband, who has put up with madness and manic episodes. I know that he doesn't fully understand mental illness and why sometimes I react the way I do, but he has really stuck by me no matter what. I try to explain to him, it's not something I can turn off, it's not something I want for myself, for him, for our son. It's something that I am trying to control and something that I work very hard on. I try every day to tell my self it's just money, it's just a mess, it's just dirt on Jaidyn's hands, but my brain won't stop thinking about it until it's "fixed". I don't know how else to explain these thought patterns. And I guess it won't really ever go away. I just need to find that balance between obsessing and "normal".
I guess I'm writing about this today because I did get my feelings hurt today and once again I can't stop thinking about it and it wasn't even that big of a deal. My whole life, I've felt "left out" and not really "wanted". I do know that isn't true, but sometimes when you are teased or feel like someone is being chosen for things over you and your feelings, it kind of sticks with you and it doesn't just go away over night.
I have always kind of put my thoughts together with music, I don't know if anyone really knows that, but most of the time every song I listen too, or every song I really like has a meaning to me.
I just hope that putting my self out there and letting people know that mental illness is found everyone that maybe one day, I can reach out and help someone. In the mean time, I will try my best to make the best life for my self, my husband, and my son.
I've recently read a book called "Madness" and it made me think a lot about mental illness and it's impact on people and their loved ones lives. I myself suffer from mental illness, it may not be as bad as some people's but nonetheless, it's still a mental illness. It's not something that I'm proud of or something I choose to share that often. A lot of times, I try to hide it and have become pretty good at doing so. I do admit that I do have an addiction to pretty much my brother and sometimes I do get a little obsessed about helping others. Sometimes it doesn't do me any good and I end up getting hurt, but sometimes, on the rare occasion it actually helps and makes someone happy. I guess that's all I can ask for. It took me 29 years for my brother to get the help he needed, yet I still have this addiction to him. I know I can't control what he does, he'll be 30 this year, yet I still have uncontrollable thoughts about him. I worry, I try to help him, I often feel sorry for him. Not that he's in a bad situation but because I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't know how to say no. My addiction doesn't just stop at my brother either, it has basically become an addiction to anyone who I think I can help.
I wish I could make people understand my thought process, my way of thinking. It's not something that I want for my self. I wish I could just make these thoughts go away, not care what people think, just relax and not worry so much. But when someone needs help or someone could benefit from me doing something, I can't stop thinking about it. I guess this is what you call obsessive compulsive disorder. My brain doesn't shut off, it keeps thinking about ways to "fix" this person. My husband often tells me, I can't save the whole world. I understand what he is saying, but to me and my brain it doesn't do any good to say things like this.
I do have to give credit to my husband, who has put up with madness and manic episodes. I know that he doesn't fully understand mental illness and why sometimes I react the way I do, but he has really stuck by me no matter what. I try to explain to him, it's not something I can turn off, it's not something I want for myself, for him, for our son. It's something that I am trying to control and something that I work very hard on. I try every day to tell my self it's just money, it's just a mess, it's just dirt on Jaidyn's hands, but my brain won't stop thinking about it until it's "fixed". I don't know how else to explain these thought patterns. And I guess it won't really ever go away. I just need to find that balance between obsessing and "normal".
I guess I'm writing about this today because I did get my feelings hurt today and once again I can't stop thinking about it and it wasn't even that big of a deal. My whole life, I've felt "left out" and not really "wanted". I do know that isn't true, but sometimes when you are teased or feel like someone is being chosen for things over you and your feelings, it kind of sticks with you and it doesn't just go away over night.
I have always kind of put my thoughts together with music, I don't know if anyone really knows that, but most of the time every song I listen too, or every song I really like has a meaning to me.
I just hope that putting my self out there and letting people know that mental illness is found everyone that maybe one day, I can reach out and help someone. In the mean time, I will try my best to make the best life for my self, my husband, and my son.
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