Since I can't find the video to this song yet, I can't share this song with anyone, so I thought I'd just share the lyrics. This is from No Doubt's new album and as many of you know, they are my favorite band. Not just because of the music they play but also because of the lyrics they write. This song gave me goosebumps from the moment I heard it. It would probably mean more to everyone else if you could hear Gwen sing it.
"Undone"
I'm broke,
Let me show you where it hurts.
I'm trying to be brave
This wasn't in my plan and nothing you can do, I've changed.
It's such a waste
I'm undone
And there's nothing I can do this time, it's all out of my hands,
And just when I was getting good.
Why's it have to end?
I don't understand
And don't leave me behind,
This time I need you, nothing's feeling right
Oh, I'm in trouble, help me,
No one needs you more than me.
I know,
I made you feel like you were lucky to have me.
But now I'm panicking, I'm lost, you're the one I need,
Be patient please,
And don't leave me behind,
This time I need you, nothing's feeling right,
'Cause I'm in trouble, help me,
No one needs you more than me.
Change me back,
Please, change me back,
I don't know who I am anymore,
I can't take it anymore.
And don't leave me behind.
This time I need you, nothing's feeling right.
'Cause I'm in trouble, help me.
No one needs you more than me.
No one needs you more than me.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Give Your Best Anyway...
As life continues to go on in my new adventure, it becomes a little harder for me to deal with everything that has happened, just in 2012. I started this year out thinking our life would still be in our little house in Arizona and me working for an organization that I loved. I really thought I would be there for years, but things do change and we have to move on. I thought Jaidyn would still be able to play with his best friends and go to school right down the street from our house. Never did I think that my life would take a complete 180 and go from loosing a little girl that holds a key to my heart, to getting her back, to dealing once again with an addiction that is more powerful than anything, becoming a part of my three nieces and nephews lives and moving across the country. I never thought I would be sitting here writing this in the middle of Illinois. This year has been an emotional roller coaster and I am ready for it to be a new year and to start over.
Don't get me wrong, the move we made was for the best for our family and I've gained new family from doing so. Family that has been very supportive and helpful and loving, but there is still a hole in my heart from leaving my home town. I guess it also hurt because there are some people who weren't very supportive in our decision and have shut us out because of their own heart ache. And I think what is worse is that it hurts my son more than it does me. You can't judge our choices without knowing our reasons. And our reasons had nothing to do with anyone but our family.
Things have been a struggle for me here, Jaidyn's attitude changed a lot and I think it's hard for him also and being 4 he doesn't know how to express what he's feeling. I do think he is happier here and has been able to experience new things, things he would never have been able to in Arizona. I know that I haven't been the nicest to my husband, but sometimes I don't mean to. I know he thinks I hate him for moving here and I truly don't. I just want him to understand that I have never lived anywhere but Arizona and have never lived this far away from my Mom. It will take me time to get used my new environment and find my place here. In a way I feel a little out of place. I know that no one here has created that or wanted that, but I can't help but feel like an outsider looking in. Things are so much different in the mid-west and anyone who hasn't experienced it is probably thinking I'm full of it, but it's the truth. I try every day to try and stay positive and pretend like I'm doing okay, but sometimes I'm not. I want to be able to call my best friend and go to her house, or call my mom and go to the mall with her. I want to get up and go to work and actually have money to go out and do things.
Without the pictures of my nieces and nephews in my head I don't know how I could actually do this. They have made the move a little easier and I'm extremely happy I am able to help them in anyway I can. I know that the older ones don't really know me and who knows, maybe don't want to get to know me, but at least that I know that I am here for them in anyway they need me to be. I know that if they call me, day or night, I will help them with what I can. I know that Lillian will now be able to get to know me and hopefully I can be the Auntie I always wanted to be.
Every day is a little different, some are easier and some are harder, but I know I can do this and I know that everything will be okay in time. I found a quote yesterday that really moved me and I am really going to try and remember this every day.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway."
Don't get me wrong, the move we made was for the best for our family and I've gained new family from doing so. Family that has been very supportive and helpful and loving, but there is still a hole in my heart from leaving my home town. I guess it also hurt because there are some people who weren't very supportive in our decision and have shut us out because of their own heart ache. And I think what is worse is that it hurts my son more than it does me. You can't judge our choices without knowing our reasons. And our reasons had nothing to do with anyone but our family.
Things have been a struggle for me here, Jaidyn's attitude changed a lot and I think it's hard for him also and being 4 he doesn't know how to express what he's feeling. I do think he is happier here and has been able to experience new things, things he would never have been able to in Arizona. I know that I haven't been the nicest to my husband, but sometimes I don't mean to. I know he thinks I hate him for moving here and I truly don't. I just want him to understand that I have never lived anywhere but Arizona and have never lived this far away from my Mom. It will take me time to get used my new environment and find my place here. In a way I feel a little out of place. I know that no one here has created that or wanted that, but I can't help but feel like an outsider looking in. Things are so much different in the mid-west and anyone who hasn't experienced it is probably thinking I'm full of it, but it's the truth. I try every day to try and stay positive and pretend like I'm doing okay, but sometimes I'm not. I want to be able to call my best friend and go to her house, or call my mom and go to the mall with her. I want to get up and go to work and actually have money to go out and do things.
Without the pictures of my nieces and nephews in my head I don't know how I could actually do this. They have made the move a little easier and I'm extremely happy I am able to help them in anyway I can. I know that the older ones don't really know me and who knows, maybe don't want to get to know me, but at least that I know that I am here for them in anyway they need me to be. I know that if they call me, day or night, I will help them with what I can. I know that Lillian will now be able to get to know me and hopefully I can be the Auntie I always wanted to be.
Every day is a little different, some are easier and some are harder, but I know I can do this and I know that everything will be okay in time. I found a quote yesterday that really moved me and I am really going to try and remember this every day.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway."
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Starting Over
We're slowing settling into our new life in Illinois, well I really should say I'M settling into the new life here. My husband and son settled in before we even got here. I won't lie, I've had my ups and downs and there are days worse than others. There are some days where I think to myself "What the hell did I do?" I left a job that I loved, I left my brother and the rest of my family. But then I sit back and I think about my nieces and nephews and how good this is for my son and husband and it seems to get a little better. Even as I sit here and write just these few lines, I start to cry. I've never been this far away from home, I've only been separated by a few miles not a few states. I've recently had a few interviews for jobs and one of the questions that was asked to me was what is the most difficult decision you've had to make and without hesitation I said "Moving to Illinois." If it wasn't for the love and support from my husband's family here, I don't think I could have done this. I might have already been begging for my job back and on a plane home.
In moving here though, I did find out who is truly our family and friends. I know that some people weren't happy about us moving, but they supported us and gave us the guidance that we needed. Some people became bitter and don't seem to understand why we chose to move. I never thought I would see the day when someone would stop talking to me and/or treating me the same way because of choice I made to better our family. Some days, I do think was this really better for our family, but at the end of the day and the help of friends and family it's said to me "I am where I'm suppose to be." It makes my heart heavy to think that we may loose contact with some people because of this choice but at least we know who really would be there for us in the end.
I did recently get a job at an organization called Macon Resources. It seems like an amazing place to work and reminds me a lot of my previous job in Arizona. Macon Resources is a non-profit agency that provides comprehensive services that promote growth, independence, and self worth in children and adults with disabilities.They also run a local pet shelter here, that I may be able to help with. Even with this job, I got into a little funk, because I had to start at the bottom again. I just felt like I'm starting over with everything and it makes me very anxious. I took a very large pay cut by taking this job, which means the way I had become used to living has gone out the door. I know this sounds awful and at the end of the day what matters most is that we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and happiness, but it still is a worry I have in the back of my head.
I know this is starting to sound a little depressing, so maybe I should bring up the positives of us moving here. Jaidyn was accepted into the pre-k program at the school he will be going to once he starts kindergarten. He gets to ride a bus and everything, he is very excited about that. I, on the other hand, am not very excited about the bus ride. But I was assured that in small towns the bus driver takes very good care of the kids and to make things even better it drops him off and picks him up right in front of our house. The daycare that he will be going to after school is right across from our house and the lady is very nice and Jaidyn seems to like it over there. He has also gotten to experience things he probably would have never gotten to in Arizona. He has experienced being able to play with his older cousins, he's caught his first fish, he's been on a boat at the lake, he's experienced grass, big fires, and so much more. I really do think he will love it here and grow up with a good outlook on life.
Once again, I can't thank my husband's family (I should really stop calling them his family, because they are mine too) for being so supportive and welcoming to me and for helping me with everything from moving here, to fixing up our house, to babysitting Jaidyn when I needed someone to watch him, and for just being there for me. Although, it will never fill the hole in my heart from leaving so much behind in Arizona, it is a pretty good band-aid. For now, all I can do is continue on the path I'm given and lean on the support I do receive.
In moving here though, I did find out who is truly our family and friends. I know that some people weren't happy about us moving, but they supported us and gave us the guidance that we needed. Some people became bitter and don't seem to understand why we chose to move. I never thought I would see the day when someone would stop talking to me and/or treating me the same way because of choice I made to better our family. Some days, I do think was this really better for our family, but at the end of the day and the help of friends and family it's said to me "I am where I'm suppose to be." It makes my heart heavy to think that we may loose contact with some people because of this choice but at least we know who really would be there for us in the end.
I did recently get a job at an organization called Macon Resources. It seems like an amazing place to work and reminds me a lot of my previous job in Arizona. Macon Resources is a non-profit agency that provides comprehensive services that promote growth, independence, and self worth in children and adults with disabilities.They also run a local pet shelter here, that I may be able to help with. Even with this job, I got into a little funk, because I had to start at the bottom again. I just felt like I'm starting over with everything and it makes me very anxious. I took a very large pay cut by taking this job, which means the way I had become used to living has gone out the door. I know this sounds awful and at the end of the day what matters most is that we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and happiness, but it still is a worry I have in the back of my head.
I know this is starting to sound a little depressing, so maybe I should bring up the positives of us moving here. Jaidyn was accepted into the pre-k program at the school he will be going to once he starts kindergarten. He gets to ride a bus and everything, he is very excited about that. I, on the other hand, am not very excited about the bus ride. But I was assured that in small towns the bus driver takes very good care of the kids and to make things even better it drops him off and picks him up right in front of our house. The daycare that he will be going to after school is right across from our house and the lady is very nice and Jaidyn seems to like it over there. He has also gotten to experience things he probably would have never gotten to in Arizona. He has experienced being able to play with his older cousins, he's caught his first fish, he's been on a boat at the lake, he's experienced grass, big fires, and so much more. I really do think he will love it here and grow up with a good outlook on life.
Once again, I can't thank my husband's family (I should really stop calling them his family, because they are mine too) for being so supportive and welcoming to me and for helping me with everything from moving here, to fixing up our house, to babysitting Jaidyn when I needed someone to watch him, and for just being there for me. Although, it will never fill the hole in my heart from leaving so much behind in Arizona, it is a pretty good band-aid. For now, all I can do is continue on the path I'm given and lean on the support I do receive.
Jaidyn and his beautiful, smart, and very kind cousin Kayla, without her and her being so helpful in watching Jaidyn, I couldn't have gotten a job. Words can't describe how wonderful Kayla is!
Kayla, Lane, and Jaidyn on his first boat ride.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Saying Goodbye...
From day one, it has always been my brother and I against the world. If anyone hurt me, he'd be right by my side, if anyone or anything hurt him, I was right by his side. He and I have been through a lot together and it seems very unlikely that our relationship will change, despite the many miles that will come between us here soon. I've helped my brother through his troubles and have learned from his mistakes, and in a way I think it's part of what made me who I am today. I remember being 4 or 5 and always having to write down in school who was your hero and without hesitation I always wrote my brothers name. As we grew up and I become a mom and a wife, my perspectives have changed and I have more than one hero now, but my brother will always remain my first hero. He could always pick on me and call me names, but he would be damned if someone else called me any name. And as he went through his "troubles" I was always the first one by his side, sticking up for him and even though at sometimes, what he was doing wasn't "right", I always took his side. He truly has been the best brother anyone could ask for and I am very lucky to have him in my life. I am also very proud of everything that he has overcome in the last year. He has rebuilt his life and is now able to be proud of what he does and who he is. I only hope that it stays that way and he doesn't fall into another cycle.
As I was driving to get Jaidyn yesterday, it suddenly hit me that in just about two weeks, I would have to say bye to my brother, the rest of my family and my amazing friends. I know it's not bye forever, it's a see you later, but this is something that I have never had to deal with before. Anytime my brother went somewhere, I was right behind him. I know what I am doing is best for my family and I know the reason why I have to do what I have to do and I am happy about our decision, it's just going to be some hard adjusting on my part.
The last few weeks, it's suddenly hit me that this is actually going to happen, my job has been replaced at work, Shane's last week of work is next week, we've paid for the rental truck, my mom has taken the time off work to drive with me the whole 22 hours it takes to get there. And I honestly don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to anyone. For the last 27 years I've lived in one place and over the years, I've gained and lost some friends, but the friends and family I have now, I couldn't ask for better. I really loved my job and I don't know if I will find anything that equals it. I don't mean to sound so sad, because I know I will have a loving family where we are going and I know that I will make new friends, but the one's I've made here have changed my life forever.
I wish I could write a letter to each and everyone that has been and is a part of my life, but honestly I don't think emotionally I can take that. If I don't seem upset about leaving, please don't let that fool you, inside I'm a mess. I've made a lot of sacrifices for the ones I love, especially my brother and my brother in-law, and I think now is the time that I need to worry about my little family and do what we think is best for us. I don't know what our life will be like in Illinois, but I do know that we have family support there and here (hopefully) and I will always have my husband and my beautiful son. As long as my son is happy, then I have no other choice but to be happy, because at the end of the day, that's what matters.
So, I guess this blog is a letter to everyone that has touched my life and I have been blessed to know and become close to. I don't want anyone to think that because we are moving that I love anyone less or that I will suddenly stop talking to everyone. I have no intention of leaving and never looking back. I know sometimes life gets busy and I may not be able to update everyone on a weekly basis but I will try my hardest to keep in touch as often I can.
I don't know how I will be able to say goodbye to my babies in my life. For them, I want each and everyone of them to know how much I truly love them and would give my life for each and everyone. I want them to know that I will always be there for them, even though I may be 1200 miles away, I am never a phone call away. I will always be here to answer your questions that you may not want to ask your parents, I will always be here to give you hair advice, to give you make-up advice, to support you in any decisions that you make. Before I leave, I will write a letter to each of you for you to read when you get older and know I truly love you more than you will ever understand.
This has been one the hardest decisions I have had to make and I'm not sure I can say goodbye. I've come across to quotes that I want to share because they mean so much to me right now and I need to keep them close to I will never forget. As our new life begins in Illinois, I will try and keep my blog updated with the things Jaidyn is doing and learning and keep everyone up to date, so for my family and friends that don't look at this frequently, please do so in the future. I love everyone more than anyone can ever know.
"Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."
"Never say goodbye. Because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting." - Peter Pan
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Always Wonder....
Do you ever wonder why people come into your life? Why a person is born, what your life would be like if you never met this person? I wonder all the time, why I've met the people I have and why they were placed into my life. There are things we do in life that we have to, things we do because we want to and there are things we do because we were born to do them. This statement couldn't be more true. I look at just recently the events that have happened in my life and sometimes I wonder why did this have to happen to me and my family? Why was this put on my shoulders to worry about, to think about, to always be making sure everything is ok? Then I sit back and I have to think, maybe there was a reason why. Maybe it's because I was born to help these people, maybe I was born to need these people, because without them, my life wouldn't be complete, even if the situation is not ideal.
You know, really I'm a lot of talk. I'll be the first to admit this. I always say, it's the last time I'm going to help someone, it's going to be the last time I let my heart become attached to someone, it's the last time I'm going to trust someone, and I act like I'm the tough guy, but the truth is I'm not. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and if a person asked for my help, I'd be the first one to help him. Despite everything that is said and done, at the end of the day, it still hurts me to see someone in pain. I'd probably give the shirt off my back, if it meant that I knew they would be okay and be safe and not harmful to themselves any longer. Even though I've heard a million and one times that I shouldn't and I should let it go. Not only have I been told this, but I've been through it, I've been kicked when I was down, my heart has been stepped on when I lent it out, I've cried tears because of my kindness.
There's a saying that you can't choose your blood but you can choose your family, well I've chosen mine and despite what anyone says, I can't give up trying. Not now, and maybe not ever, maybe not until the day I die, or the person dies. I often want to take away their illness and bring the pain upon my self and I know that can't be done but it literally hurts my every being to see someone choose a bad path in life. Because I know that they don't "choose" to be the way they are, it's a simple fact they don't know how to cope with the reality of the way their brain works, how to mend what's been broken. Maybe somethings in life can't be fixed, but the things that can be mended are what makes starting over all worth it.
I hope that what has happened recently will eventually lead me to a reason and I will figure out why it all happened the way it did, but until then I have to hold onto some hope. Even if it is just one thing I see on face book, letting me know they are okay, or one picture that is actually responded to. I have to believe that there is still some good in the evil that has take over. I have to believe that there is a reason that another baby was taken from me, that maybe the little bit of time she did spend here with me was something that I needed for something in the future. I have to believe that everything that I said and did because I was angry will be forgiven and it will always remind me to taste my words before I speak them.
You know, really I'm a lot of talk. I'll be the first to admit this. I always say, it's the last time I'm going to help someone, it's going to be the last time I let my heart become attached to someone, it's the last time I'm going to trust someone, and I act like I'm the tough guy, but the truth is I'm not. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and if a person asked for my help, I'd be the first one to help him. Despite everything that is said and done, at the end of the day, it still hurts me to see someone in pain. I'd probably give the shirt off my back, if it meant that I knew they would be okay and be safe and not harmful to themselves any longer. Even though I've heard a million and one times that I shouldn't and I should let it go. Not only have I been told this, but I've been through it, I've been kicked when I was down, my heart has been stepped on when I lent it out, I've cried tears because of my kindness.
There's a saying that you can't choose your blood but you can choose your family, well I've chosen mine and despite what anyone says, I can't give up trying. Not now, and maybe not ever, maybe not until the day I die, or the person dies. I often want to take away their illness and bring the pain upon my self and I know that can't be done but it literally hurts my every being to see someone choose a bad path in life. Because I know that they don't "choose" to be the way they are, it's a simple fact they don't know how to cope with the reality of the way their brain works, how to mend what's been broken. Maybe somethings in life can't be fixed, but the things that can be mended are what makes starting over all worth it.
I hope that what has happened recently will eventually lead me to a reason and I will figure out why it all happened the way it did, but until then I have to hold onto some hope. Even if it is just one thing I see on face book, letting me know they are okay, or one picture that is actually responded to. I have to believe that there is still some good in the evil that has take over. I have to believe that there is a reason that another baby was taken from me, that maybe the little bit of time she did spend here with me was something that I needed for something in the future. I have to believe that everything that I said and did because I was angry will be forgiven and it will always remind me to taste my words before I speak them.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Don't let me be misunderstood
This song came up on my play list the other day and every time I hear it I always think I need to post this somewhere. I think that the message is really important. Some people who are incarcerated are for drug offenses and maybe if our system had a program for these offenders and offered them help when the were released, our world would be a little different. Most offenders don't have support on the outside and turn to the life of crime that led them to the system in the first place. Why wouldn't they? They'll have three meals, a roof over their heads, a bed. And guess who pays for it, we do, yet we let rapist, sex offenders, and murders wonder our streets and live a few feet away from schools. We also let serious offenders be released on bail and sit on trial for two, three years before they are even sentenced. Meanwhile, they are still on the streets committing crimes and living their lives like nothing ever happened.
"I was watching TV the other day right and there is this white guy up there talking about black guys, talking about how young black guys are targeted. Targeted by who? America. You see one in every 100 Americans are locked up, one in every nine black Americans are locked up, and you see what the white guy was trying to stress was that, the money we spend on sending another mother fucker to jail, would be less to send his or her young ass to college. See, and another thing the white guy was stressing was that our jails are populated with drug dealers, you know crack cocaine stuff like that. Meaning due to the laws we have on crack cocaine and regular cocaine, police are only, I don't want to say only right, but shit, only logic by riding around in the hood all day and not the suburbs. Because crack cocaine is mostly found in the hood. And you know the other thing that is mostly found in you know where I'm going but why bring a mother fucker to jail if it's not going stand up in court because this drug ain't that drug, you know level 3, level 4 drug, shit like that, I guess it's all a misunderstanding.
I sit back and think, you know us young mother fuckers, you know that 1 in 9, we're probably only selling the crack cocaine because we are in the hood, and it's not like in the suburbs, we don't have what you have. Why? I really don't wanna know the answer, I guess we are just misunderstood.
You know we don't have room in the jail now for the real mother fuckers, the real criminals, sex offenders, rapists, serial killers. Don't get scared though. I know you've seen one them sex offenders papers, but don't trip he lives right on the end of your block. Mhm yeah, that guy lives right down the street from you, sex offender on the level three drug, convicted ex-con, yeah check him out. Watch what you got, you got a daughter, son, what you got? You know what, I have a fucking daughter, you understand me and why the fuck would you bring my neighbor to jail just because the reason why he lives next door to me, isn't the same reason I live next door to him. Meaning he didn't rap his way to my neighborhood, he sold crack cocaine to get to my neighborhood. You move him out bring him to jail for life and then you move in with a sex offender? Hey you gave me a paper though right? Is that a misunderstanding because I didn't understand it.
Another thing, let me take my glasses off because I wanna see the reaction on there faces when I say this, this is why I don't respect you and nobody like you, see your the type that gets off on getting on other people. That's not good, rather un-human, I should say, I mean giving the fact that humanity were a good humanity, rather to me is helping one another no matter your color or race but this guy and people like him, they'd rather speculate before they informate, if that's even a word, you know spec before you check. Anyways meaning I'd much rather you talk to me first and see if you can lend an opinion before you link one, just my thought of good humanity. Mr. Sharpton, hold on I'm not finished with you man, Mr. Sharpton and anyone like you, you don't know me, so if your not going to try to then what you say or think about me are, whatever, it's totally Casper the friendly ghost to me and it doesn't make you a good person to criticize before you improvise. Doesn't necessarily make you a bad person either but the characteristics for heavenly into bads way,but since I am human I am good and bad, as well but I try my hardest to stay good. These other things I do and say may be bad or just not to good, but I do try, so with that said I don't vote you, I mean your only human, good or bad but I also don't respect you and I don't care if that's good or bad. You see your are no MLK, you are no Jesse Jackson, you are nobody, to me, your just another Don King with a perm, just a little more political and that just means you're a little un-human then use humans, and now let me be human."
"I was watching TV the other day right and there is this white guy up there talking about black guys, talking about how young black guys are targeted. Targeted by who? America. You see one in every 100 Americans are locked up, one in every nine black Americans are locked up, and you see what the white guy was trying to stress was that, the money we spend on sending another mother fucker to jail, would be less to send his or her young ass to college. See, and another thing the white guy was stressing was that our jails are populated with drug dealers, you know crack cocaine stuff like that. Meaning due to the laws we have on crack cocaine and regular cocaine, police are only, I don't want to say only right, but shit, only logic by riding around in the hood all day and not the suburbs. Because crack cocaine is mostly found in the hood. And you know the other thing that is mostly found in you know where I'm going but why bring a mother fucker to jail if it's not going stand up in court because this drug ain't that drug, you know level 3, level 4 drug, shit like that, I guess it's all a misunderstanding.
I sit back and think, you know us young mother fuckers, you know that 1 in 9, we're probably only selling the crack cocaine because we are in the hood, and it's not like in the suburbs, we don't have what you have. Why? I really don't wanna know the answer, I guess we are just misunderstood.
You know we don't have room in the jail now for the real mother fuckers, the real criminals, sex offenders, rapists, serial killers. Don't get scared though. I know you've seen one them sex offenders papers, but don't trip he lives right on the end of your block. Mhm yeah, that guy lives right down the street from you, sex offender on the level three drug, convicted ex-con, yeah check him out. Watch what you got, you got a daughter, son, what you got? You know what, I have a fucking daughter, you understand me and why the fuck would you bring my neighbor to jail just because the reason why he lives next door to me, isn't the same reason I live next door to him. Meaning he didn't rap his way to my neighborhood, he sold crack cocaine to get to my neighborhood. You move him out bring him to jail for life and then you move in with a sex offender? Hey you gave me a paper though right? Is that a misunderstanding because I didn't understand it.
Another thing, let me take my glasses off because I wanna see the reaction on there faces when I say this, this is why I don't respect you and nobody like you, see your the type that gets off on getting on other people. That's not good, rather un-human, I should say, I mean giving the fact that humanity were a good humanity, rather to me is helping one another no matter your color or race but this guy and people like him, they'd rather speculate before they informate, if that's even a word, you know spec before you check. Anyways meaning I'd much rather you talk to me first and see if you can lend an opinion before you link one, just my thought of good humanity. Mr. Sharpton, hold on I'm not finished with you man, Mr. Sharpton and anyone like you, you don't know me, so if your not going to try to then what you say or think about me are, whatever, it's totally Casper the friendly ghost to me and it doesn't make you a good person to criticize before you improvise. Doesn't necessarily make you a bad person either but the characteristics for heavenly into bads way,but since I am human I am good and bad, as well but I try my hardest to stay good. These other things I do and say may be bad or just not to good, but I do try, so with that said I don't vote you, I mean your only human, good or bad but I also don't respect you and I don't care if that's good or bad. You see your are no MLK, you are no Jesse Jackson, you are nobody, to me, your just another Don King with a perm, just a little more political and that just means you're a little un-human then use humans, and now let me be human."
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Not Giving Up
'There's a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. It's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap."
I would never give up on the ones that I love, I have just become tired of trying to fix everything and everyone. So please don't twist my words around when I write this. I have been overwhelmed with addiction since I knew what the word addiction meant. And on top of trying to "fix" and making their life better, I've also had to try and "fix" my problems and make my life better. It's a heavy burden that has been placed on me. I don't regret a single day that I was consumed by "fixing" my brother or trying to make sure he was and is okay, because in the end it has paid off. But now that I have to deal with it all over again and being kicked while I am down in the process has made me tired of trying. This time it's not my brother, but still someone I care very much for and consider as my brother.
This time not only did we loose him suddenly, in the sense that he moved out of state and pretty much has stopped all contact with us, but I lost out on being the aunt I wanted to be. In one of my previous blogs I wrote how I wanted to be the aunt that my nieces and nephews could turn to for advice, advice they couldn't get from their Mom and Dad, I wanted to be the aunt that they would always remember as being fun and doing things with them. When she left, my heart was torn into more than two pieces, it was shattered. There was something about her that drew me to her and I wanted and still want to always be there for her. I can't describe the feeling that I felt the night that she was gone and the feeling I still get when I look at something that reminds me of her. It took me a good two weeks before I was able to fall asleep without holding her pink sock monkey.
At this very moment, if someone were to ask me if I am mad at what happened, I would answer honestly, hell yes I'm fucking mad. I'm not mad at any person really, I'm mad at the addiction, mad at the pain it causes families. I'm mad that a person would allow an addiction that will eventually lead to their own death get in the way of happiness and growth. The addiction most certainly becomes the families addiction and it is the most selfish act I've witnessed.
I think that this hurts me more because not only is my son being effected by it now and is old enough to realize that this person is "sick", but I've tried so much and it seems to go unnoticed. I would give the shirt off my back if it would mean that he would get better and be the person I know he can be. Would I change what we did for him in the past? Absolutely not. As stupid as this sounds, maybe I would have tried harder.
I'm not sure how many people can relate to what I am feeling and for those of you who can relate to it, I truly am sorry and I don't wish this feeling upon anyone. It really does make your whole body ache, your stomach turn, and your heart becomes very heavy. I tried to take a step in overcoming my addition to him by just removing any contact I could have with him, but my brain doesn't shut off and subconsciously, I was still contacting him. I held onto that hope that I would get an answer back and that he would be okay. But once again my hope was crushed. I still hold onto that hope and am trying to remember not to be disappointed by the outcome.
I have to also try and remember that I can still be there for all my nieces and nephews despite the addiction and I need to be there for them no matter what is said or done.
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in your hearts forever, even if you are long ago gone in their hearts." It's a sad feeling but it's something I have to accept.
I would never give up on the ones that I love, I have just become tired of trying to fix everything and everyone. So please don't twist my words around when I write this. I have been overwhelmed with addiction since I knew what the word addiction meant. And on top of trying to "fix" and making their life better, I've also had to try and "fix" my problems and make my life better. It's a heavy burden that has been placed on me. I don't regret a single day that I was consumed by "fixing" my brother or trying to make sure he was and is okay, because in the end it has paid off. But now that I have to deal with it all over again and being kicked while I am down in the process has made me tired of trying. This time it's not my brother, but still someone I care very much for and consider as my brother.
This time not only did we loose him suddenly, in the sense that he moved out of state and pretty much has stopped all contact with us, but I lost out on being the aunt I wanted to be. In one of my previous blogs I wrote how I wanted to be the aunt that my nieces and nephews could turn to for advice, advice they couldn't get from their Mom and Dad, I wanted to be the aunt that they would always remember as being fun and doing things with them. When she left, my heart was torn into more than two pieces, it was shattered. There was something about her that drew me to her and I wanted and still want to always be there for her. I can't describe the feeling that I felt the night that she was gone and the feeling I still get when I look at something that reminds me of her. It took me a good two weeks before I was able to fall asleep without holding her pink sock monkey.
At this very moment, if someone were to ask me if I am mad at what happened, I would answer honestly, hell yes I'm fucking mad. I'm not mad at any person really, I'm mad at the addiction, mad at the pain it causes families. I'm mad that a person would allow an addiction that will eventually lead to their own death get in the way of happiness and growth. The addiction most certainly becomes the families addiction and it is the most selfish act I've witnessed.
I think that this hurts me more because not only is my son being effected by it now and is old enough to realize that this person is "sick", but I've tried so much and it seems to go unnoticed. I would give the shirt off my back if it would mean that he would get better and be the person I know he can be. Would I change what we did for him in the past? Absolutely not. As stupid as this sounds, maybe I would have tried harder.
I'm not sure how many people can relate to what I am feeling and for those of you who can relate to it, I truly am sorry and I don't wish this feeling upon anyone. It really does make your whole body ache, your stomach turn, and your heart becomes very heavy. I tried to take a step in overcoming my addition to him by just removing any contact I could have with him, but my brain doesn't shut off and subconsciously, I was still contacting him. I held onto that hope that I would get an answer back and that he would be okay. But once again my hope was crushed. I still hold onto that hope and am trying to remember not to be disappointed by the outcome.
I have to also try and remember that I can still be there for all my nieces and nephews despite the addiction and I need to be there for them no matter what is said or done.
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in your hearts forever, even if you are long ago gone in their hearts." It's a sad feeling but it's something I have to accept.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Let's end it on this
My heart is heavy, my mind is tired.
It's a heavy burden that has been placed upon me,
yet, I still let it take control and can't let things be.
When I see your face or hear your voice,
It takes all of my being not to cry because of your choice.
I don't think you realize how important you are to me,
I don't think you realize how things could be.
Instead of letting us help you, you choose to use your vice,
and nothing we do or say will change your way.
You don't know how long it's been since my mind hasn't wondered,
Is he okay, is dead?
I've been plagued by this vice since the day I was born.
No one can change who I am, It's who I've become because of this choice.
Even when I sit in the corner and no one hears my voice.
I don't understand how one could choose this path,
I wish I could get it through to you and let you do the math.
Instead it's just one more sip from the bottle, one more hit from the pipe, one more prick from a needle, just one more night...
You see in the past and I had a dream, a fantasy,
I thought that it would last,
Then one, two, three, four, the months were flying by
They soared, and it's my gut feeling
It's not happening, so...
Let's end it on this
Give me one last goodbye
You see it's hard to face, the addict that's inside of me
I want to fill my glass up, with you constantly,
make sure you're okay, make sure you're who I know you can be,
I've been here before, but I've never ever felt this sure.
And now I know I've been dreaming,
And your actions, have insulted me.
I open up, you ignore me, you've changed and you're not the same at all,
And if I could turn back the pages of time I'd rewrite your point of view,
Washed up to the shore, given one last chance
To try some more, but I'm tired, I'm freezing
Let's stop and call it history
It's a heavy burden that has been placed upon me,
yet, I still let it take control and can't let things be.
When I see your face or hear your voice,
It takes all of my being not to cry because of your choice.
I don't think you realize how important you are to me,
I don't think you realize how things could be.
Instead of letting us help you, you choose to use your vice,
and nothing we do or say will change your way.
You don't know how long it's been since my mind hasn't wondered,
Is he okay, is dead?
I've been plagued by this vice since the day I was born.
No one can change who I am, It's who I've become because of this choice.
Even when I sit in the corner and no one hears my voice.
I don't understand how one could choose this path,
I wish I could get it through to you and let you do the math.
Instead it's just one more sip from the bottle, one more hit from the pipe, one more prick from a needle, just one more night...
You see in the past and I had a dream, a fantasy,
I thought that it would last,
Then one, two, three, four, the months were flying by
They soared, and it's my gut feeling
It's not happening, so...
Let's end it on this
Give me one last goodbye
You see it's hard to face, the addict that's inside of me
I want to fill my glass up, with you constantly,
I've been here before, but I've never ever felt this sure.
And now I know I've been dreaming,
And your actions, have insulted me.
I open up, you ignore me, you've changed and you're not the same at all,
And if I could turn back the pages of time I'd rewrite your point of view,
Washed up to the shore, given one last chance
To try some more, but I'm tired, I'm freezing
Let's stop and call it history
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Today's become tomorrow before I wanted it to be...
Broken promises are around for my mind war, and my accomplishment's are interrogating me,
Today's become tomorrow before I wanted it to be,
And desperate discussions,
The start of the destruction,
I'll be fine, because I'm under construction everyone,
So you'll have to mind the mess,
I'm under some construction.
I always had to try harder, I never really could keep up
Sitting in the corner with my illness and bad luck,
But in this humble place I'm feeling like red wine,
And I hope to get better with some time,
I'll be fine, with some time, I'll be fine.
I concentrate on empty spaces,
A passive pondering of blackness,
Sit down, shut up, uncontroled obsessions
Your absence, it exhausts me
I always panic when I'm left.
Today I feel destructive,
Today who cares about myself,
I'll live in denial,
And I'll beat up my head,
And I'll eat all the chocolate.
I can't control my feelings,
I sip on dreams and choke on real things,
Detatch myself of preservation.
The fears start coming when I forget,
I always panic when I'm left.
Today is gonna be simple,
My heart will go lazy,
No one to impress,
No smile is required.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
A Little Piece of My Heart
Once again my addiction has gotten the best of me and addiction has plagued my family. As much as we try to put it in the back of our heads, it just can't be done. There is always something going through our head wondering and worrying. I know on our part it's something we can not control, but on the addicts side it's one of the most selfish acts I know of. I've come to realize this and realize as much as we try we can not control some one's life. We always will want the best for our loved ones and for our family, but sometimes the cards aren't laid out as we wish.
This last time addiction took a hold of my every thought, it took a piece of my heart along with it. I can't tell you how bad it hurt and still to do this day don't know the reason behind any of it. In the end though, I can say I'm extremely happy I got to spend the time I did with those I love. I can't say if it will be last time I will say bye to someone or say I love you to someone, but as long as I know I did and will continue to, I can't do anything else.
It's an awful disease that controls some one's every thought and resource and as much as we try to fix the person, we can't fix anything if they don't want to be fixed. I just hope that everyone knows that there is help out there and there are people who will support and love you, if you choose to take the path of recovery. I always tell people, if someone has asthma or diabetes would we not want them to get help? Addiction is the same thing, yes the person has a choice to pick up the needle, the pipe, the bottle of beer, but sometimes the addict in them takes control and they can't stop. Behind every addict there is a sad and lonely person and someone who needs help and doesn't know how to ask. You don't pick up the habit of numbing your feelings because you're happy with your life, you pick up the habit because you can't process the reality of a situation.
No matter the person who has this illness, it's often the loved one's who suffer the most. And it's always the children who play the silent victim. The best thing we can do for any person with this illness, as much as it pains us, is to let them hit rock bottom and let them come to us and say enough is enough, I need help.
I'm not a fan of 2pac but the lyrics in this song are pretty meaningful in a situation like this. I hope that someone in this situation gets help before it becomes to late.
This last time addiction took a hold of my every thought, it took a piece of my heart along with it. I can't tell you how bad it hurt and still to do this day don't know the reason behind any of it. In the end though, I can say I'm extremely happy I got to spend the time I did with those I love. I can't say if it will be last time I will say bye to someone or say I love you to someone, but as long as I know I did and will continue to, I can't do anything else.
It's an awful disease that controls some one's every thought and resource and as much as we try to fix the person, we can't fix anything if they don't want to be fixed. I just hope that everyone knows that there is help out there and there are people who will support and love you, if you choose to take the path of recovery. I always tell people, if someone has asthma or diabetes would we not want them to get help? Addiction is the same thing, yes the person has a choice to pick up the needle, the pipe, the bottle of beer, but sometimes the addict in them takes control and they can't stop. Behind every addict there is a sad and lonely person and someone who needs help and doesn't know how to ask. You don't pick up the habit of numbing your feelings because you're happy with your life, you pick up the habit because you can't process the reality of a situation.
No matter the person who has this illness, it's often the loved one's who suffer the most. And it's always the children who play the silent victim. The best thing we can do for any person with this illness, as much as it pains us, is to let them hit rock bottom and let them come to us and say enough is enough, I need help.
I'm not a fan of 2pac but the lyrics in this song are pretty meaningful in a situation like this. I hope that someone in this situation gets help before it becomes to late.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I guess shit happens
I guess life throws things at you so that you learn from them, at least that's what I've been told. Lately I feel like the things that have been thrown at me don't teach me anything but that there is no guarntee in life and the only person you can really count on and depend on is yourself. I find myself thinking about the things that have happened in my life and think I can only take so much. My heart can only take so many holes. Recently another hole was created and I don't know how to fix it.
I know that maybe I'm over sensitive and it shouldn't effect my life the way it does, but I can't help it. I try to be the best person I can be and lately this has been tested and don't know how long I can keep my mouth shut. Every day, I am tested again and try to put a smile on my face and accept the fact that this was the life that was given to me and the life I chose. I chose to help people, I chose to become attached, I chose to love, but why do I have to be punished for loving and helping someone too much?
I often am a good judge in charater and good judge on things that will happen. I knew that it would and I try to speak my up and no body takes me serious. I'm not sure how much more I can take mentally and physcially. I think what hurts me more is that it effects my son, it's always harder on the parent but it still effects him and it breaks my heart.
I am thankful for the friends and family that I do have, but it's always going to be hard for me now to trust and to open up to anyone. I feel like I have to put a barrier between someone and my heart. I can only do so much and I guess that I have done all that I can. I can only hope that in time it will be okay and my heart will heal.
I know that maybe I'm over sensitive and it shouldn't effect my life the way it does, but I can't help it. I try to be the best person I can be and lately this has been tested and don't know how long I can keep my mouth shut. Every day, I am tested again and try to put a smile on my face and accept the fact that this was the life that was given to me and the life I chose. I chose to help people, I chose to become attached, I chose to love, but why do I have to be punished for loving and helping someone too much?
I often am a good judge in charater and good judge on things that will happen. I knew that it would and I try to speak my up and no body takes me serious. I'm not sure how much more I can take mentally and physcially. I think what hurts me more is that it effects my son, it's always harder on the parent but it still effects him and it breaks my heart.
I am thankful for the friends and family that I do have, but it's always going to be hard for me now to trust and to open up to anyone. I feel like I have to put a barrier between someone and my heart. I can only do so much and I guess that I have done all that I can. I can only hope that in time it will be okay and my heart will heal.
Monday, January 16, 2012
The silent victim
As I was cleaning the house this morning I was thinking about how many people and families are effected by addiction and how people truly are naive about this horrific diease. I realize that people do have choices in their life and can choose to not become part of a statistic. Maybe that's my addiction is thinking to much about pepole who have been effected and about people who struggle with it.
I've come to realize that even the families of a person who is addicted to drugs can be naive and sometimes worse than strangers. And sadly, children are often the silent victim of drug abuse. The children that are brought into this world were not asked to be born, yet they were given to us as a gift. If you abuse that gift then you have to face the consequences.
I asked my self this several times over the passed few days, would we want to be in a world where we could not see our children grow, smile, learn, laugh, or become the people they are molding themselves into? Would we want to be far away from them and not know what or how they are being treated. Every day we choose to agrue and fight brings us that much closer to being pushed away. Then again, the silent victim become the one that suffers. People often make their children the chess players, if you will, in their life and how they play their games. The challenge of this power is how to use it and not to abuse it. When you abuse it, it reverses on you and only hurts the innocent.
The most important thing to remember when coping with addition or someone who is an addict is they need support. If they don't have the support they need they will fall right back into the habits they have become accustomed to. I also want to make a point of how important family really is and how it can effect a person, negative or positive. One day someone can be right by your side and the next you may never be able to speak to them again. Life is to short to be mad and angry. Remeber also, who has been by your side and who has not.
We've all chosen the situations we've put ourselves in, the only person you can truly count on is yourself. You have to make the choice to over come any obsticles in your way, you have the power to say no, and only you have the power to take your self out of the situation or make the best out of it. We can not change the past, we can not predict the future, we can only make the best out of the present.
I've come to realize that even the families of a person who is addicted to drugs can be naive and sometimes worse than strangers. And sadly, children are often the silent victim of drug abuse. The children that are brought into this world were not asked to be born, yet they were given to us as a gift. If you abuse that gift then you have to face the consequences.
I asked my self this several times over the passed few days, would we want to be in a world where we could not see our children grow, smile, learn, laugh, or become the people they are molding themselves into? Would we want to be far away from them and not know what or how they are being treated. Every day we choose to agrue and fight brings us that much closer to being pushed away. Then again, the silent victim become the one that suffers. People often make their children the chess players, if you will, in their life and how they play their games. The challenge of this power is how to use it and not to abuse it. When you abuse it, it reverses on you and only hurts the innocent.
The most important thing to remember when coping with addition or someone who is an addict is they need support. If they don't have the support they need they will fall right back into the habits they have become accustomed to. I also want to make a point of how important family really is and how it can effect a person, negative or positive. One day someone can be right by your side and the next you may never be able to speak to them again. Life is to short to be mad and angry. Remeber also, who has been by your side and who has not.
We've all chosen the situations we've put ourselves in, the only person you can truly count on is yourself. You have to make the choice to over come any obsticles in your way, you have the power to say no, and only you have the power to take your self out of the situation or make the best out of it. We can not change the past, we can not predict the future, we can only make the best out of the present.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Trying to find a balance
I've come to realize that we can not change our past, we can not predict the future, we can only learn from our past and hope that our future takes the path you want it to. We're given the hands we were dealt with and it's up to us to decide how we want to play them. We have the choice to change what we have become and to change the path our future takes. The only person you can truly depend on is yourself.
I've been very blessed with amazing friend, family, nieces, and nephews. Each day I realize a little bit more about the hand that I was dealt and what path I want my future to take. I'm trying not to take things so personally, I'm trying not to care so much about what I can not control. I know that I have a big heart and most of the time I wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes, I get hurt in the end. In all that I've done, I can honestly say that it was meant well.
Sometimes in reaching out to those you love isn't easy and sometimes they don't want your help. I know this and I know that every support that person has makes them one step closer to being okay. I can not save the world, but I can try one person at a time, starting with the ones I love. I guess I have to find my balance.
I've been very blessed with amazing friend, family, nieces, and nephews. Each day I realize a little bit more about the hand that I was dealt and what path I want my future to take. I'm trying not to take things so personally, I'm trying not to care so much about what I can not control. I know that I have a big heart and most of the time I wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes, I get hurt in the end. In all that I've done, I can honestly say that it was meant well.
Sometimes in reaching out to those you love isn't easy and sometimes they don't want your help. I know this and I know that every support that person has makes them one step closer to being okay. I can not save the world, but I can try one person at a time, starting with the ones I love. I guess I have to find my balance.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Madness
I've wrote a lot of posts about addiction and about how it has changed my life and so many others. Yesterday was a reminder that once you are an addict, you will be for the rest of your life. What you choose to do with your addiction and it's "needs" is up to you and your willingness to be strong. I've been around addiction and mental illness my whole life. I never really knew any different, I just thought that's what was normal. I guess any child in that situation would. Now that I'm older and see my patterns, my addiction, my "mental illness", my child, I realize that it's not "normal". I didn't grow up in an abusive house or grow up with horrible parents, I just grew up with family with OCD, Manic Depression, Depression, Addiction, anger issues, etc.
I've recently read a book called "Madness" and it made me think a lot about mental illness and it's impact on people and their loved ones lives. I myself suffer from mental illness, it may not be as bad as some people's but nonetheless, it's still a mental illness. It's not something that I'm proud of or something I choose to share that often. A lot of times, I try to hide it and have become pretty good at doing so. I do admit that I do have an addiction to pretty much my brother and sometimes I do get a little obsessed about helping others. Sometimes it doesn't do me any good and I end up getting hurt, but sometimes, on the rare occasion it actually helps and makes someone happy. I guess that's all I can ask for. It took me 29 years for my brother to get the help he needed, yet I still have this addiction to him. I know I can't control what he does, he'll be 30 this year, yet I still have uncontrollable thoughts about him. I worry, I try to help him, I often feel sorry for him. Not that he's in a bad situation but because I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't know how to say no. My addiction doesn't just stop at my brother either, it has basically become an addiction to anyone who I think I can help.
I wish I could make people understand my thought process, my way of thinking. It's not something that I want for my self. I wish I could just make these thoughts go away, not care what people think, just relax and not worry so much. But when someone needs help or someone could benefit from me doing something, I can't stop thinking about it. I guess this is what you call obsessive compulsive disorder. My brain doesn't shut off, it keeps thinking about ways to "fix" this person. My husband often tells me, I can't save the whole world. I understand what he is saying, but to me and my brain it doesn't do any good to say things like this.
I do have to give credit to my husband, who has put up with madness and manic episodes. I know that he doesn't fully understand mental illness and why sometimes I react the way I do, but he has really stuck by me no matter what. I try to explain to him, it's not something I can turn off, it's not something I want for myself, for him, for our son. It's something that I am trying to control and something that I work very hard on. I try every day to tell my self it's just money, it's just a mess, it's just dirt on Jaidyn's hands, but my brain won't stop thinking about it until it's "fixed". I don't know how else to explain these thought patterns. And I guess it won't really ever go away. I just need to find that balance between obsessing and "normal".
I guess I'm writing about this today because I did get my feelings hurt today and once again I can't stop thinking about it and it wasn't even that big of a deal. My whole life, I've felt "left out" and not really "wanted". I do know that isn't true, but sometimes when you are teased or feel like someone is being chosen for things over you and your feelings, it kind of sticks with you and it doesn't just go away over night.
I have always kind of put my thoughts together with music, I don't know if anyone really knows that, but most of the time every song I listen too, or every song I really like has a meaning to me.
I just hope that putting my self out there and letting people know that mental illness is found everyone that maybe one day, I can reach out and help someone. In the mean time, I will try my best to make the best life for my self, my husband, and my son.
I've recently read a book called "Madness" and it made me think a lot about mental illness and it's impact on people and their loved ones lives. I myself suffer from mental illness, it may not be as bad as some people's but nonetheless, it's still a mental illness. It's not something that I'm proud of or something I choose to share that often. A lot of times, I try to hide it and have become pretty good at doing so. I do admit that I do have an addiction to pretty much my brother and sometimes I do get a little obsessed about helping others. Sometimes it doesn't do me any good and I end up getting hurt, but sometimes, on the rare occasion it actually helps and makes someone happy. I guess that's all I can ask for. It took me 29 years for my brother to get the help he needed, yet I still have this addiction to him. I know I can't control what he does, he'll be 30 this year, yet I still have uncontrollable thoughts about him. I worry, I try to help him, I often feel sorry for him. Not that he's in a bad situation but because I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't know how to say no. My addiction doesn't just stop at my brother either, it has basically become an addiction to anyone who I think I can help.
I wish I could make people understand my thought process, my way of thinking. It's not something that I want for my self. I wish I could just make these thoughts go away, not care what people think, just relax and not worry so much. But when someone needs help or someone could benefit from me doing something, I can't stop thinking about it. I guess this is what you call obsessive compulsive disorder. My brain doesn't shut off, it keeps thinking about ways to "fix" this person. My husband often tells me, I can't save the whole world. I understand what he is saying, but to me and my brain it doesn't do any good to say things like this.
I do have to give credit to my husband, who has put up with madness and manic episodes. I know that he doesn't fully understand mental illness and why sometimes I react the way I do, but he has really stuck by me no matter what. I try to explain to him, it's not something I can turn off, it's not something I want for myself, for him, for our son. It's something that I am trying to control and something that I work very hard on. I try every day to tell my self it's just money, it's just a mess, it's just dirt on Jaidyn's hands, but my brain won't stop thinking about it until it's "fixed". I don't know how else to explain these thought patterns. And I guess it won't really ever go away. I just need to find that balance between obsessing and "normal".
I guess I'm writing about this today because I did get my feelings hurt today and once again I can't stop thinking about it and it wasn't even that big of a deal. My whole life, I've felt "left out" and not really "wanted". I do know that isn't true, but sometimes when you are teased or feel like someone is being chosen for things over you and your feelings, it kind of sticks with you and it doesn't just go away over night.
I have always kind of put my thoughts together with music, I don't know if anyone really knows that, but most of the time every song I listen too, or every song I really like has a meaning to me.
I just hope that putting my self out there and letting people know that mental illness is found everyone that maybe one day, I can reach out and help someone. In the mean time, I will try my best to make the best life for my self, my husband, and my son.
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