Madness

I've wrote a lot of posts about addiction and about how it has changed my life and so many others. Yesterday was a reminder that once you are an addict, you will be for the rest of your life. What you choose to do with your addiction and it's "needs" is up to you and your willingness to be strong. I've been around addiction and mental illness my whole life. I never really knew any different, I just thought that's what was normal. I guess any child in that situation would. Now that I'm older and see my patterns, my addiction, my "mental illness", my child, I realize that it's not "normal". I didn't grow up in an abusive house or grow up with horrible parents, I just grew up with family with OCD, Manic Depression, Depression, Addiction, anger issues, etc.

I've recently read a book called "Madness" and it made me think a lot about mental illness and it's impact on people and their loved ones lives. I myself suffer from mental illness, it may not be as bad as some people's but nonetheless, it's still a mental illness. It's not something that I'm proud of or something I choose to share that often. A lot of times, I try to hide it and have become pretty good at doing so. I do admit that I do have an addiction to pretty much my brother and sometimes I do get a little obsessed about helping others. Sometimes it doesn't do me any good and I end up getting hurt, but sometimes, on the rare occasion it actually helps and makes someone happy. I guess that's all I can ask for. It took me 29 years for my brother to get the help he needed, yet I still have this addiction to him. I know I can't control what he does, he'll be 30 this year, yet I still have uncontrollable thoughts about him. I worry, I try to help him, I often feel sorry for him. Not that he's in a bad situation but because I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't know how to say no. My addiction doesn't just stop at my brother either, it has basically become an addiction to anyone who I think I can help.

I wish I could make people understand my thought process, my way of thinking. It's not something that I want for my self. I wish I could just make these thoughts go away, not care what people think, just relax and not worry so much. But when someone needs help or someone could benefit from me doing something, I can't stop thinking about it. I guess this is what you call obsessive compulsive disorder. My brain doesn't shut off, it keeps thinking about ways to "fix" this person. My husband often tells me, I can't save the whole world. I understand what he is saying, but to me and my brain it doesn't do any good to say things like this.

I do have to give credit to my husband, who has put up with madness and manic episodes. I know that he doesn't fully understand mental illness and why sometimes I react the way I do, but he has really stuck by me no matter what. I try to explain to him, it's not something I can turn off, it's not something I want for myself, for him, for our son. It's something that I am trying to control and something that I work very hard on. I try every day to tell my self it's just money, it's just a mess, it's just dirt on Jaidyn's hands, but my brain won't stop thinking about it until it's "fixed". I don't know how else to explain these thought patterns. And I guess it won't really ever go away. I just need to find that balance between obsessing and "normal".

I guess I'm writing about this today because I did get my feelings hurt today and once again I can't stop thinking about it and it wasn't even that big of a deal. My whole life, I've felt "left out" and not really "wanted". I do know that isn't true, but sometimes when you are teased or feel like someone is being chosen for things over you and your feelings, it kind of sticks with you and it doesn't just go away over night.

I have always kind of put my thoughts together with music, I don't know if anyone really knows that, but most of the time every song I listen too, or every song I really like has a meaning to me.
I just hope that putting my self out there and letting people know that mental illness is found everyone that maybe one day, I can reach out and help someone. In the mean time, I will try my best to make the best life for my self, my husband, and my son.