Buggie....

When I started this journey of motherhood 3 and half years ago, never did I think my days would be filled with superheros and hot wheels. From the day he was born and I looked in his big brown eyes, I knew he was meant for greatness. Everyday I learn, see and hear something new. Never did I think I would be cutting some one's hair like Peter Parker or Iron man, but my son has managed to make these magical things happen. Everyday he teaches me something new and everyday he learns something new.

When I started this journey I tried to do everything by the book, I read every baby book I could, I read every article I could, then again Jaidyn managed to teach me that you can't go by books, you can't rely on articles, you have to rely on your heart. He has taught me to believe, to dream, to feel, to make things happen that I could have never thought possible.

When I started this journey never did I think my nights would be filled with story book readings, kisses, and snuggles. I never thought I would be putting a sleeping angel to bed. And again he taught me that watching him sleep is the best thing I could see all day.

When I started this journey I did know one thing, that my son, my angel, my star, my everything, would help me breathe, help me get through my struggles, my life and make things better. I did know that with just one look into his eyes I would know what love is, I would know what laughter is and I would know what happiness is.

I can't imagine my life any other way, I can't imagine what it would be like without having this amazing little person in my life. He has helped me grow, helped me breathe, helped me laugh, helped me be a better person. I believe everything happens for a reason and he was brought into my life and brought into this world for a reason. I don't know what his calling is yet, but I do know it will be great and he was brought into my world so I wouldn't feel lost, I would be able to keep my head up, I would be able to smile even though I don't feel like it.

Beauty Contest

I started this blog about a week ago and couldn't figure out what I wanted to write about. So many thoughts running through my head. Any ways, this week I thought it would be fitting to write about my struggles, that most people might think I'm out of my mind but it's a really struggle I go through everyday (you can ask my husband, I think I drive him batty). Here it is....... Weight. I've never been super thin, but after I had Jaidyn I could never get back to where I wanted to be, and I know (because I've heard this from so many people) that after you have babies your body goes through a lot of changes. I get this and understand, however, with this said, I have had all the blood work done possible to test everything possible and still have not received any answers. I do work out everyday, I am lucky enough that my work provides us with a gym. I don't eat red meat, I eat healthy and try and take care of my body as much as I can. Yet with all this being done, nothing, nada, has come off. I can't tell you how frustrated I am with the whole process, the other day while on the elliptical I thought to my self "Why am I doing this? It doesn't work for me any ways." It's an endless cycle that no matter what I probably won't be happy with the way I look.

At this point I'm not sure what else I can do, I've tried weight watchers, I've tried counting calories, eating off smaller plates, etc... Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss for words and don't know where to start or begin. I've been to my doctor and was given little advice, I don't know where to get a second opinion or even what I should do. I have been thinner which is why it's so frustrating to me. It's gotten to the point where I hate shopping, I hate looking at my self in the mirror. My self esteem has become very low. I can't afford to go to the weight loss clinics, although I would love to.

I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone out there has any advice.. For those of you who don't know me, I am a huge No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan and I found this one probably about ten years ago that really sums up everything. Not only for me but for all females. Please if you have advice, I would love to hear it. I have pretty much tried everything.

Just another cycle

In my struggle to keep up with my thoughts of my brother, I sometimes forget about my own thoughts, my own wishes, my own needs. I guess in a way my addiction to him has gotten the best of me. Not only am I addicted to getting him better but I am now seeing I am addicted to just getting anyone better from this horrible illness. My brother doesn't share his stories with us, and I guess I am thankful for this, I think it would be to much for me. To this day, I still hold this horrible image of him using and I can't get it out of my head. I try to escape these thoughts and need to help people but something still keeps me fighting for them. I know I can't save the world but I can't just sit back and do nothing either. It's cycle that I hope goes away.

However, I have come to realize that there are more important things in life than to sit and dwell on what would have or could have happened. My son, who is my shining star, my whole world, my everything, has made me realize this. He needs his mom to be there for him, show him that it's okay to fight for what you believe in, yet still not let it consume your life. I want to show him that his mother is a strong person, a person who will do anything for him, yet show him how to be respectful as well. This past weekend, I have just been lost in my thoughts and thinking about the world around me. Just recently my husband had to go back to his home town in Illinois for a visit that was necessary but the circumstances were horrific. While he was there he got to meet our niece, who is almost 6 moths old. I can't explain how much love I have for her and I haven't even met her. Every time I get a picture of her, she brightens my day. I want to be the aunt that she can turn to when things are bad, I want to be the aunt that she loves and comes to when she has problems and can ask advice on things that she can't ask her mom and dad. I hope that one day I can actually meet her and see her beautiful face in person but for now pictures will have to do. I hope that her dad (my brother in-law) will always tell her that I will always be there for her no matter what.

I have all these thoughts that run through my head and I don't even know if she will ever know them. I just felt that I needed to write about them today, that maybe with these thoughts being on paper will make me feel better. Because I mentioned how her face makes my day brighter, I have to share one of her many beautiful pictures.


 (Please don't get me wrong, the wonderful children in my life that are here in Arizona, I want to be just as an amazing aunt to them as well, there was just something in my heart that lead me to writing about Lilly this morning.)

With every passing day, I try my hardest to be the best wife, mother, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, and daughter I can be. It's not easy but with me being able to write and share my emotions and feelings, it is helping. When I first started this blog, it was to be able to better my self and that is what I am trying to do.