Just another cycle

In my struggle to keep up with my thoughts of my brother, I sometimes forget about my own thoughts, my own wishes, my own needs. I guess in a way my addiction to him has gotten the best of me. Not only am I addicted to getting him better but I am now seeing I am addicted to just getting anyone better from this horrible illness. My brother doesn't share his stories with us, and I guess I am thankful for this, I think it would be to much for me. To this day, I still hold this horrible image of him using and I can't get it out of my head. I try to escape these thoughts and need to help people but something still keeps me fighting for them. I know I can't save the world but I can't just sit back and do nothing either. It's cycle that I hope goes away.

However, I have come to realize that there are more important things in life than to sit and dwell on what would have or could have happened. My son, who is my shining star, my whole world, my everything, has made me realize this. He needs his mom to be there for him, show him that it's okay to fight for what you believe in, yet still not let it consume your life. I want to show him that his mother is a strong person, a person who will do anything for him, yet show him how to be respectful as well. This past weekend, I have just been lost in my thoughts and thinking about the world around me. Just recently my husband had to go back to his home town in Illinois for a visit that was necessary but the circumstances were horrific. While he was there he got to meet our niece, who is almost 6 moths old. I can't explain how much love I have for her and I haven't even met her. Every time I get a picture of her, she brightens my day. I want to be the aunt that she can turn to when things are bad, I want to be the aunt that she loves and comes to when she has problems and can ask advice on things that she can't ask her mom and dad. I hope that one day I can actually meet her and see her beautiful face in person but for now pictures will have to do. I hope that her dad (my brother in-law) will always tell her that I will always be there for her no matter what.

I have all these thoughts that run through my head and I don't even know if she will ever know them. I just felt that I needed to write about them today, that maybe with these thoughts being on paper will make me feel better. Because I mentioned how her face makes my day brighter, I have to share one of her many beautiful pictures.


 (Please don't get me wrong, the wonderful children in my life that are here in Arizona, I want to be just as an amazing aunt to them as well, there was just something in my heart that lead me to writing about Lilly this morning.)

With every passing day, I try my hardest to be the best wife, mother, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, and daughter I can be. It's not easy but with me being able to write and share my emotions and feelings, it is helping. When I first started this blog, it was to be able to better my self and that is what I am trying to do.