Not Giving Up

 'There's a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. It's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap."

I would never give up on the ones that I love, I have just become tired of trying to fix everything and everyone. So please don't twist my words around when I write this. I have been overwhelmed with addiction since I knew what the word addiction meant. And on top of trying to "fix" and making their life better, I've also had to try and "fix" my problems and make my life better. It's a heavy burden that has been placed on me. I don't regret a single day that I was consumed by "fixing" my brother or trying to make sure he was and is okay, because in the end it has paid off. But now that I have to deal with it all over again and being kicked while I am down in the process has made me tired of trying. This time it's not my brother, but still someone I care very much for and consider as my brother.

This time not only did we loose him suddenly, in the sense that he moved out of state and pretty much has stopped all contact with us, but I lost out on being the aunt I wanted to be. In one of my previous blogs I wrote how I wanted to be the aunt that my nieces and nephews could turn to for advice, advice they couldn't get from their Mom and Dad, I wanted to be the aunt that they would always remember as being fun and doing things with them. When she left, my heart was torn into more than two pieces, it was shattered. There was something about her that drew me to her and I wanted and still want to always be there for her. I can't describe the feeling that I felt the night that she was gone and the feeling I still get when I look at something that reminds me of her. It took me a good two weeks before I was able to fall asleep without holding her pink sock monkey. 

At this very moment, if someone were to ask me if I am mad at what happened, I would answer honestly, hell yes I'm fucking mad. I'm not mad at any person really, I'm mad at the addiction, mad at the pain it causes families. I'm mad that a person would allow an addiction that will eventually lead to their own death get in the way of happiness and growth. The addiction most certainly becomes the families addiction and it is the most selfish act I've witnessed.  

I think that this hurts me more because not only is my son being effected by it now and is old enough to realize that this person is "sick", but I've tried so much and it seems to go unnoticed. I would give the shirt off my back if it would mean that he would get better and be the person I know he can be. Would I change what we did for him in the past? Absolutely not. As stupid as this sounds, maybe I would have tried harder.

I'm not sure how many people can relate to what I am feeling and for those of you who can relate to it, I truly am sorry and I don't wish this feeling upon anyone. It really does make your whole body ache, your stomach turn, and your heart becomes very heavy. I tried to take a step in overcoming my addition to him by just removing any contact I could have with him, but my brain doesn't shut off and subconsciously, I was still contacting him. I held onto that hope that I would get an answer back and that he would be okay. But once again my hope was crushed. I still hold onto that hope and am trying to remember not to be disappointed by the outcome.

I have to also try and remember that I can still be there for all my nieces and nephews despite the addiction and I need to be there for them no matter what is said or done.

"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in your hearts forever, even if you are long ago gone in their hearts." It's a sad feeling but it's something I have to accept.