As life continues to go on in my new adventure, it becomes a little harder for me to deal with everything that has happened, just in 2012. I started this year out thinking our life would still be in our little house in Arizona and me working for an organization that I loved. I really thought I would be there for years, but things do change and we have to move on. I thought Jaidyn would still be able to play with his best friends and go to school right down the street from our house. Never did I think that my life would take a complete 180 and go from loosing a little girl that holds a key to my heart, to getting her back, to dealing once again with an addiction that is more powerful than anything, becoming a part of my three nieces and nephews lives and moving across the country. I never thought I would be sitting here writing this in the middle of Illinois. This year has been an emotional roller coaster and I am ready for it to be a new year and to start over.
Don't get me wrong, the move we made was for the best for our family and I've gained new family from doing so. Family that has been very supportive and helpful and loving, but there is still a hole in my heart from leaving my home town. I guess it also hurt because there are some people who weren't very supportive in our decision and have shut us out because of their own heart ache. And I think what is worse is that it hurts my son more than it does me. You can't judge our choices without knowing our reasons. And our reasons had nothing to do with anyone but our family.
Things have been a struggle for me here, Jaidyn's attitude changed a lot and I think it's hard for him also and being 4 he doesn't know how to express what he's feeling. I do think he is happier here and has been able to experience new things, things he would never have been able to in Arizona. I know that I haven't been the nicest to my husband, but sometimes I don't mean to. I know he thinks I hate him for moving here and I truly don't. I just want him to understand that I have never lived anywhere but Arizona and have never lived this far away from my Mom. It will take me time to get used my new environment and find my place here. In a way I feel a little out of place. I know that no one here has created that or wanted that, but I can't help but feel like an outsider looking in. Things are so much different in the mid-west and anyone who hasn't experienced it is probably thinking I'm full of it, but it's the truth. I try every day to try and stay positive and pretend like I'm doing okay, but sometimes I'm not. I want to be able to call my best friend and go to her house, or call my mom and go to the mall with her. I want to get up and go to work and actually have money to go out and do things.
Without the pictures of my nieces and nephews in my head I don't know how I could actually do this. They have made the move a little easier and I'm extremely happy I am able to help them in anyway I can. I know that the older ones don't really know me and who knows, maybe don't want to get to know me, but at least that I know that I am here for them in anyway they need me to be. I know that if they call me, day or night, I will help them with what I can. I know that Lillian will now be able to get to know me and hopefully I can be the Auntie I always wanted to be.
Every day is a little different, some are easier and some are harder, but I know I can do this and I know that everything will be okay in time. I found a quote yesterday that really moved me and I am really going to try and remember this every day.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway."
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