Something about today has brought me to my blog. Like I've said in the past these last four years have probably been the hardest and the happiest of my life. I got married to a wonderful man, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, I was blessed with an amazing job, and I have been blessed with amazing friends. The hard part is learning how to deal with things that haunt my every thought. These are thoughts that not a lot of people know I deal with everyday. I don't even think my husband does. Everyday, from start to end, I think about my brother, I think about my son, I think about my Grandma, I think about my mom, I think about my brother in-law, I think about my niece, I think about the little angels in my life that passed away. All of these thoughts spin around in my head and are never ending. Some days, all I want to do is sleep, thinking maybe they will go away. In reality, I know I can't do that. I know that I have to get up every day and make sure my family is taken care of, my son is loved and healthy and happy. I have to get up and face the reality of what life has brought me and what life knew I could and will handle.
In the past few weeks, things have been brought to the surface that maybe I didn't need to know, but I'm glad I do know. My thoughts this week have been with my Grandma, it's a weird feeling, that I can't even describe. I know that the day she left earth, she never really left me. For three days she has been on my mind, like she was trying to tell me something. Lately my son has been asking about where things come from, what is God, did God make this, did God do that. I'm not a very religious person but I think my son needs to now a little about everything so we tell him as much as a three year old can understand. The other day he said "Mommy, great Grandma is at God's house right?" He was only 18 months when she passed away, so how he remembered that is beyond me but I think she is with me this week. Telling me everything is going to be okay.
I think she is doing what she couldn't do here on earth and that is "fixing" what needed to be fixed. My brother enrolled himself in a program this week to help him with his addiction and I could not be more proud. He is on his way to recovery, not just sobriety and he is beginning to see what "happy" can be like. He is no longer self medicating, he is seeing an actual medical doctor. This not only is going to "fix" him, but it is going to "fix" me and my mom. We no longer have to worry as much.
I don't think people are given more than they can handle and I think everything happens for a reason, we just may not know what the reason is at the time. I don't know why my Grandma was taken from us so early, but I do know she lives in us everyday, and I do believe she takes turns making sure we are okay and we are happy. This week just happen to be mine. As I finish my week, I will try and remember what is important in life and not let the little things bother me. There are people with bigger problems and bigger issues, there are people that need help more than I do. I will end this with a song that is appropriate for this week. I've listened to it every day over and over.
"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show"
