Just recently someone close to me said to me again, "Sheena, you can't save the world". I understand this, I understand that I cannot change people, people have to change themselves. On the other hand, without people like me there would be a lot more drug addicts dead and a lot more kids living on the streets. Yes, again my mind goes to addiction. So please do not tell me I can't save the world, because I will try one person at a time. When I tell you I love you, it's the truth and I don't give up on the people I love. I may get mad at you and say things that I regret, but I never stop loving you. Once you're in my mind, it's hard to get me to stop thinking/loving you. I guess this is my blessing and my curse in life. I wear my heart on my sleeve and some times I get hurt.
I always go back to this story, but it's the one closest to my heart. My brother suffered from addiction for many years. To this day, I can't watch shows about addiction or even think about it without crying. Even with this said, I continue to do so and continue to educate myself on drug addiction. My brother is and always has been my hero in life. He's always thought he needed to protect me from the evils in life and I think that he did. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for him, I might have ended up as an addict also. In fact, I may be one, just not in the self harm way that he was. I find myself addicted to addiction and the need to help people. Which in some ways causes me just as much pain. I am always thinking about how proud I am of my brother for what he has overcome in such a short period of time. I feel like he has received a second chance on life. At his lowest point I was mad at him because he became everything he said he wouldn't but now I can say, you've been everything you said you wouldn't and you've conquered everything you said you couldn't.
I wish that one day, I could work with recovering addicts and help them heal, because I've been on the opposing side and I think I know just enough to say I've been on the addicts side as well. I'm extremely sensitive and usually can pick up on the pain of some one's addiction. The root behind every addiction is pain. You don't wake up one day from your "normal" happy life and say I would like to stick a needle in my arm and play a game of life or death every day. It just doesn't happen that way. For me my pain and why I'm addicted to addiction is my brother and my brother in-law. My biological father also suffered from addiction, sadly, I couldn't help him, he didn't have someone like me behind him pushing him and telling him he could do it. Maybe if he got to know me, my brother and my sister better, it may have helped, instead he choose to numb his pain with drugs and alcohol. I believe I was able to save my brother and it gives me hope that I may be able to save someone else.
And, people may get mad at me for writing these, but honestly I don't care. It's my outlet, my way of trying to cope with what goes on in my mind. I have hard speaking things out loud but my outlet has always been writing. I saw this letter on Pinterest, yes I know "UGH, Pinterest", but I thought I would share:
I am a drug-abuser, I need help
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you - and for myself.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame or argue whether I'm stoned or sober. It may make you feel better, but it only makes the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time, promises are only my way of postponing pain. And don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't let your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't believe everything I tell you. Often I don't even know the truth - let alone tell it.
Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues.
Start to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery. I need help - from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from some people in a self-help program who are in recovery from a drug problem themselves - and from a power greater than myself.
Before it's too late and we can't help you anymore.
