I debated all night whether or not I should post this on Facebook, send this to you in a message privately, or just simply write it down and never share it. Then I thought about this, I need to start writing again, it's always been my outlet and if you read it or not, so be it, at least I got this off my chest. So here it goes....
I wrote something a while back that said "you will either hug me or hate me when this is all over", and that may be true, but at least if you hate me, I know it wasn't because I didn't try everything in my power to save you. I need to say this and make it public so that everyone else can read it too. First let me start off by saying, I love you like my own brother and always will, that will never change. With that being said, I will always choose your children first. From the very first time they met me, they have always called me Aunt Sheena and never treated me any different, I never told them or asked them to, all I did was show them love and respect. Now before you tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain something to you. I know both sides of the story, I have lived your children's lives and I've also seen what addiction can do to a person and to a family first hand. No, I may have never been addicted to a substance, but I have lived the life through watching others. I have seen what goes on when you become addicted to something so powerful that not even your own life matters anymore. I've also been the one who has fought for the life of an addict and thankfully the life I fought for is still here. This is what I am trying to accomplish for your life.
Let me tell you who I had growing up, my mom and my brother. Yes, I did have a step-father and a younger sister, but as you may or may not know having a step-father is never the same. And don't get me wrong, I love my sister and I know she always there when I need her, but there is a bond between my brother and I that can never be broken because we shared so much that not everyone has. It was just me and my brother, while our "dad" was off smoking crack and getting drunk, sound familiar? The only difference between your children and myself is, I didn't know any of his family, I have no idea where he was born, what his mom's name was, if he has or had any siblings, I have no idea if his family ever had any kind of sickness or diseases, the only thing I knew about him was his full name and the state he lived in. I don't even know his birth date. I do, however, know how he died. He cooked himself to death. He was so high on crack and God knows what else that in his little nasty camper trailer he couldn't figure out how to open the door on a day where it was about 110 outside, so needless to say, he probably suffered when he died. Sadly, when we were notified of his passing, I don't even remember shedding one tear. Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to go to a new doctor and have them ask me about my "dads" side of the family? And I'm 30 years old!
You have a chance to get out of this cycle, you have a chance to be a part of your children's lives, the lives that you helped create and yet, you seem to not even care. After everything your kids have been through, your oldest daughter has repeatedly forgiven you and tried to have a relationship with you, and I've told you numerous times, they need to get angry with you, they need to let you know how they feel and then you can start rebuilding what you lost but you can't go in their faces and demand respect, that's not how the world works.
If you knew how much I fight for your life everyday, you might feel a bit guilty. Or maybe not, I'm not sure at this point. Knowing the letters I've written on your behalf that you probably don't even know about, how I've talked to your parole officer when you got locked up again, trying to get you paroled out here so you wouldn't have to spend anymore time in prison and possibly get your life back on track, how every morning I start my day off with a cup of coffee and looking up jail records and calling the hospitals to make sure you're okay. I do this not only for myself but for your children, I don't want them to have to tell people "my dad died because of drugs."
You and maybe some other people may get mad at me for posting this and that's okay, I'm not writing this to make friends, I'm writing it because my heart is heavy and hurts for your children. When you're sober, you are an amazing person and could be an amazing father. Right now you're not living, you're going through each day in a drug induced stupor. Do you know how much suffering you would cause to all of us if something were to happen to you? Or do you even care?
Sadly, as much pain and suffering you have caused your children, I don't hate you. I am very saddened by your actions and wish that I could shield all of your children from ever experiencing any of it, but I can't. All I can do is be there for them when they need someone to yell at or cry to that may understand a little better. I hope that one day you will realize what is going on and that you might try and mend what you have broken, I just hope it's not too late. I do hope the best for you and hope that you do get your life together and have all of things that you have said you wanted. Until then, I will continue to fight for your life for your children and for your children only and I will continue to be on their side, whether they are right or wrong, they are my nieces and nephews and I have to defend them and be the voice of the voiceless.
