Okay, so my addiction has gotten the best of me again.............

Okay, so my addiction has gotten the best of me again. As I was driving to pick up lunch today, I noticed the Arizona Department of Correction (ADC) workers on the side of the road. They were doing some landscaping, which you see often, at least in Arizona. I often just look the other way and not even think twice, but today something inside me triggered my addiction (my not by choice addiction).... My brothers.


This story goes back about 6 years ago, so I won't go into much detail but as much of you know my brother and brother in-law both spent time in jail and prison. I can't help but think about what it was like in there. I know both of them are currently out of the system, but it still creeps into my mind all the time. Every time I see a show about prison, I think of both of them and almost immediately start crying. Now, I've never been to jail or prison so I don't know what it actually is like inside those walls, but from what I've seen and heard it's a life I don't want to ever see and I wish that no one else I know ever has to again.


My brother about a year and half ago, was arrested again for a probation violation. Of course, because our judicial system is not the best it took sometime for him to actually be sentenced. In the meantime, he could not be released on bail, because in their mind they already gave him a chance and he blew it. I do agree that if you do the crime, you pay the price, however, with that being said I remember the day of his sentencing. We should up on that morning, he came into the room in his orange suite chained to the other inmates and looked at me and said two years. Now, I did get in trouble for trying to talk to him while in custody, but as soon as I saw the two years, my heart fell to the floor. I could not imagine, first of all, my life with out my brother for two years, and second of all his life in prison. He would never be the same person I knew. As we waited for the judge to make his decision, we were all on the edge of seats. Someone, or something was watching us that day because the judge changed his mind and sentenced him to a year in the county jail. A year is a long time, but at least it's not prison. At least we could still visit him every Sunday. A year later when it was his release date, I was the one who picked him from that stupid green building, just me and his nephew. I don't know how happy he was to see us, but I can tell you it was one of the happiest day I've had.

I did not know my brother in-law before he went in the prison system, I just knew him after the fact. Of course, I heard his stories and knew that my husband loved him. Without even knowing him, he became my brother. I remember the day he got off the plane, only being two days out after serving 5 years. It was once again an overwhelming experience. Here is this man, who I had only seen in pictures and I loved him like his was my own brother. To this day, I'm not sure if he really knows this, but he is my brother. I've always heard the saying you can't choose your blood, but can sure as hell pick your family. He too has become part of my addiction, making sure he is okay, making sure he stays clean and out of trouble. Even though he is living in Illinois now, I still can't help but worry and try to keep my distance.

Now, with this being said and having experience with our current judicial system and seeing the ACD workers today, it makes my heart go out to them. I know that some people truly belong in prison for whatever reason, and maybe what my brother and brother in-law did, they did deserve to serve there time. It just makes me mad that there is such a stigma on people that have been in jail, when you have two men like my two older brothers, who wouldn't hurt a fly (unless of course provoked). I know how hard it is for people like this to start over from the bottom with people looking and thinking about them as if they just murdered someone. It's hard for them find jobs, to rent a place to live, sometimes even find good friends who they can trust. My hope is one day to have this stigma of them being "bad people" be gone and try and help rehabilitate them, help them live in a normal society once being released into the "normal" world.

Again, I sit here and cry as I write these words because they might sound like a bunch of jumble to you, but to me having people look at them as they are monsters breaks my heart. All I can do, as I said before, is sit back and watch and hope they know that I am and always will be here for them, always.