Addiction

Lately I've seen a lot of people starting blogs. At first, I was a little turned off, thought it was to personal. Then I started to think about things, I've set several goals for my self for 2011, one of which is to be more open with people and not hold back when I need to share. I thought this might be a good way for me to start.


The last fours years of my life have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. There have been good and bad, but in all I have learned from every single one. In the past four years I have gotten married, gave birth to the most amazing little boy in the entire world, lost two little angels that I love dearly, lost one of the most important people in my life  (my grandmother), saw my best friend give birth to another (most) amazing little boy in the entire world, I have helped my brother cope with his addiction, met my brother in-law for the first time, and saw my brother in-law leave us at the same time, I also have have found and met my sister, in which I have been searching for, for the past ten years, and I have also started a new position in my career, in which has brought me to the realization of what I want to do with my life. Each experience has brought a little light in to my life letting me know I can make it another day, I can move past this, I can move on in life and still be okay. To be honest, I know I would not be able to cope with any of this with out the support of my husband and my best friend, but I still have done it and am doing it.


I could probably sit here and write a book about my life experiences but something tells me that I should write about my brother today. I don't even know where to begin, from the time we were little, it was me and him against the world. Our biological farther was non existent in our lives, and yes we grew up with the most amazing step-father, or should I say Dad in the whole world, but it still was not the same. ( I don't think I've said those words out loud.) I have always thought of my brother as my leader, my guidance, my everything. Then one day he changed, I guess I didn't want to believe the person he had become was true. He had become someone I didn't know. It is always true what they say the addict in your family becomes your addiction. He had/has consumed my life with making sure he does not relapse, does not stumble across the wrong path. It's easier said then done, when people often tell me, let it go, you can't control him. To me, he is my world, if something were to happen to him, I would be lost.

My addiction to my brother, has become an addiction of my own. I don't think he realizes how much he really does mean to me and how much it hurts me to see him go in that state of life. Over the last year and half he has become sober and has had his ups and downs with getting a job and getting his life back together. He literally had to start from the bottom all over again. He had no job, no house, no cloths, he had nothing. I've seen him go from this stage into his life to now, he has a car, a good job, is on his way to getting his own place to live. Words can not describe how proud I am of him. With this being said, it is still a struggle I deal with everyday not to be "addicted" to him. It is very hard for me to trust him, every time he is a little off, I often question him. Are you using again, what are doing, where are you going? I know in his head he is sick of all the questions, but for feeding my own "addiction" I need to know.

When I often talk to people about addiction, I say I don't know what it's like to be addicted to anything, I've never been addicted to drugs. I guess I'm wrong, this may not be a substance that I am addicted to, I am addicted to my brother's life. I don't know when the time will come when I actually do stop being addicted to him, but I hope with time I can recover from addiction as well. My whole life has become this person who wants to help people fight addiction, I have recently re enrolled in school, with a degree in social work specializing in substance abuse. I know what addiction does to a family and I know it becomes the lowest point in some one's life, it eats away at every part of your body, it needs to be fed by whatever means possible. An addict is not the same person that person once was. Addicts are almost like wild animals, wanting that next fix, that next high, their next meal. My hope is that one day, my brother will be live a normal, happy life with kids and a wife. For right now, it's him against the world and all we can do is hope.