My heart is heavy, my mind is tired. It's a heavy burden that has been placed upon me, yet, I still let it take control and can't let things be. When I see your face or hear your voice, It takes all of my being not to cry because of your choice. I don't think you realize how important you are to me, I don't think you realize how things could be. Instead of letting us help you, you choose to use your vice, and nothing we do or say will change your way.
You don't know how long it's been since my mind hasn't wondered, Is he okay, is dead? I've been plagued by this vice since the day I was born. No one can change who I am, It's who I've become because of this choice. Even when I sit in the corner and no one hears my voice. I don't understand how one could choose this path, I wish I could get it through to you and let you do the math. Instead it's just one more sip from the bottle, one more hit from the pipe, one more prick from a needle, just one more night...
You see in the past and I had a dream, a fantasy, I thought that it would last,
Then one, two, three, four, the months were flying by
They soared, and it's my gut feeling
It's not happening, so...
Let's end it on this
Give me one last goodbye
You see it's hard to face, the addict that's inside of me
I want to fill my glass up, with you constantly,
make sure you're okay, make sure you're who I know you can be,
I've been here before, but I've never ever felt this sure.
And now I know I've been dreaming,
And your actions, have insulted me.
I open up, you ignore me, you've changed and you're not the same at all,
And if I could turn back the pages of time I'd rewrite your point of view,
Washed up to the shore, given one last chance
To try some more, but I'm tired, I'm freezing
Let's stop and call it history
Broken promises are around for my mind war, and my accomplishment's are interrogating me,
Today's become tomorrow before I wanted it to be,
And desperate discussions,
The start of the destruction,
I'll be fine, because I'm under construction everyone,
So you'll have to mind the mess,
I'm under some construction.
I always had to try harder, I never really could keep up
Sitting in the corner with my illness and bad luck,
But in this humble place I'm feeling like red wine,
And I hope to get better with some time,
I'll be fine, with some time, I'll be fine.
I concentrate on empty spaces,
A passive pondering of blackness,
Sit down, shut up, uncontroled obsessions
Your absence, it exhausts me
I always panic when I'm left.
Today I feel destructive,
Today who cares about myself,
I'll live in denial,
And I'll beat up my head,
And I'll eat all the chocolate.
I can't control my feelings,
I sip on dreams and choke on real things,
Detatch myself of preservation.
The fears start coming when I forget,
I always panic when I'm left.
Today is gonna be simple,
My heart will go lazy,
No one to impress,
No smile is required.
Once again my addiction has gotten the best of me and addiction has plagued my family. As much as we try to put it in the back of our heads, it just can't be done. There is always something going through our head wondering and worrying. I know on our part it's something we can not control, but on the addicts side it's one of the most selfish acts I know of. I've come to realize this and realize as much as we try we can not control some one's life. We always will want the best for our loved ones and for our family, but sometimes the cards aren't laid out as we wish.
This last time addiction took a hold of my every thought, it took a piece of my heart along with it. I can't tell you how bad it hurt and still to do this day don't know the reason behind any of it. In the end though, I can say I'm extremely happy I got to spend the time I did with those I love. I can't say if it will be last time I will say bye to someone or say I love you to someone, but as long as I know I did and will continue to, I can't do anything else.
It's an awful disease that controls some one's every thought and resource and as much as we try to fix the person, we can't fix anything if they don't want to be fixed. I just hope that everyone knows that there is help out there and there are people who will support and love you, if you choose to take the path of recovery. I always tell people, if someone has asthma or diabetes would we not want them to get help? Addiction is the same thing, yes the person has a choice to pick up the needle, the pipe, the bottle of beer, but sometimes the addict in them takes control and they can't stop. Behind every addict there is a sad and lonely person and someone who needs help and doesn't know how to ask. You don't pick up the habit of numbing your feelings because you're happy with your life, you pick up the habit because you can't process the reality of a situation.
No matter the person who has this illness, it's often the loved one's who suffer the most. And it's always the children who play the silent victim. The best thing we can do for any person with this illness, as much as it pains us, is to let them hit rock bottom and let them come to us and say enough is enough, I need help.
I'm not a fan of 2pac but the lyrics in this song are pretty meaningful in a situation like this. I hope that someone in this situation gets help before it becomes to late.
