Do you ever wonder why people come into your life? Why a person is born, what your life would be like if you never met this person? I wonder all the time, why I've met the people I have and why they were placed into my life. There are things we do in life that we have to, things we do because we want to and there are things we do because we were born to do them. This statement couldn't be more true. I look at just recently the events that have happened in my life and sometimes I wonder why did this have to happen to me and my family? Why was this put on my shoulders to worry about, to think about, to always be making sure everything is ok? Then I sit back and I have to think, maybe there was a reason why. Maybe it's because I was born to help these people, maybe I was born to need these people, because without them, my life wouldn't be complete, even if the situation is not ideal.
You know, really I'm a lot of talk. I'll be the first to admit this. I always say, it's the last time I'm going to help someone, it's going to be the last time I let my heart become attached to someone, it's the last time I'm going to trust someone, and I act like I'm the tough guy, but the truth is I'm not. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and if a person asked for my help, I'd be the first one to help him. Despite everything that is said and done, at the end of the day, it still hurts me to see someone in pain. I'd probably give the shirt off my back, if it meant that I knew they would be okay and be safe and not harmful to themselves any longer. Even though I've heard a million and one times that I shouldn't and I should let it go. Not only have I been told this, but I've been through it, I've been kicked when I was down, my heart has been stepped on when I lent it out, I've cried tears because of my kindness.
There's a saying that you can't choose your blood but you can choose your family, well I've chosen mine and despite what anyone says, I can't give up trying. Not now, and maybe not ever, maybe not until the day I die, or the person dies. I often want to take away their illness and bring the pain upon my self and I know that can't be done but it literally hurts my every being to see someone choose a bad path in life. Because I know that they don't "choose" to be the way they are, it's a simple fact they don't know how to cope with the reality of the way their brain works, how to mend what's been broken. Maybe somethings in life can't be fixed, but the things that can be mended are what makes starting over all worth it.
I hope that what has happened recently will eventually lead me to a reason and I will figure out why it all happened the way it did, but until then I have to hold onto some hope. Even if it is just one thing I see on face book, letting me know they are okay, or one picture that is actually responded to. I have to believe that there is still some good in the evil that has take over. I have to believe that there is a reason that another baby was taken from me, that maybe the little bit of time she did spend here with me was something that I needed for something in the future. I have to believe that everything that I said and did because I was angry will be forgiven and it will always remind me to taste my words before I speak them.
This song came up on my play list the other day and every time I hear it I always think I need to post this somewhere. I think that the message is really important. Some people who are incarcerated are for drug offenses and maybe if our system had a program for these offenders and offered them help when the were released, our world would be a little different. Most offenders don't have support on the outside and turn to the life of crime that led them to the system in the first place. Why wouldn't they? They'll have three meals, a roof over their heads, a bed. And guess who pays for it, we do, yet we let rapist, sex offenders, and murders wonder our streets and live a few feet away from schools. We also let serious offenders be released on bail and sit on trial for two, three years before they are even sentenced. Meanwhile, they are still on the streets committing crimes and living their lives like nothing ever happened.
"I was watching TV the other day right and there is this white guy up there talking about black guys, talking about how young black guys are targeted. Targeted by who? America. You see one in every 100 Americans are locked up, one in every nine black Americans are locked up, and you see what the white guy was trying to stress was that, the money we spend on sending another mother fucker to jail, would be less to send his or her young ass to college. See, and another thing the white guy was stressing was that our jails are populated with drug dealers, you know crack cocaine stuff like that. Meaning due to the laws we have on crack cocaine and regular cocaine, police are only, I don't want to say only right, but shit, only logic by riding around in the hood all day and not the suburbs. Because crack cocaine is mostly found in the hood. And you know the other thing that is mostly found in you know where I'm going but why bring a mother fucker to jail if it's not going stand up in court because this drug ain't that drug, you know level 3, level 4 drug, shit like that, I guess it's all a misunderstanding.
I sit back and think, you know us young mother fuckers, you know that 1 in 9, we're probably only selling the crack cocaine because we are in the hood, and it's not like in the suburbs, we don't have what you have. Why? I really don't wanna know the answer, I guess we are just misunderstood.
You know we don't have room in the jail now for the real mother fuckers, the real criminals, sex offenders, rapists, serial killers. Don't get scared though. I know you've seen one them sex offenders papers, but don't trip he lives right on the end of your block. Mhm yeah, that guy lives right down the street from you, sex offender on the level three drug, convicted ex-con, yeah check him out. Watch what you got, you got a daughter, son, what you got? You know what, I have a fucking daughter, you understand me and why the fuck would you bring my neighbor to jail just because the reason why he lives next door to me, isn't the same reason I live next door to him. Meaning he didn't rap his way to my neighborhood, he sold crack cocaine to get to my neighborhood. You move him out bring him to jail for life and then you move in with a sex offender? Hey you gave me a paper though right? Is that a misunderstanding because I didn't understand it.
Another thing, let me take my glasses off because I wanna see the reaction on there faces when I say this, this is why I don't respect you and nobody like you, see your the type that gets off on getting on other people. That's not good, rather un-human, I should say, I mean giving the fact that humanity were a good humanity, rather to me is helping one another no matter your color or race but this guy and people like him, they'd rather speculate before they informate, if that's even a word, you know spec before you check. Anyways meaning I'd much rather you talk to me first and see if you can lend an opinion before you link one, just my thought of good humanity. Mr. Sharpton, hold on I'm not finished with you man, Mr. Sharpton and anyone like you, you don't know me, so if your not going to try to then what you say or think about me are, whatever, it's totally Casper the friendly ghost to me and it doesn't make you a good person to criticize before you improvise. Doesn't necessarily make you a bad person either but the characteristics for heavenly into bads way,but since I am human I am good and bad, as well but I try my hardest to stay good. These other things I do and say may be bad or just not to good, but I do try, so with that said I don't vote you, I mean your only human, good or bad but I also don't respect you and I don't care if that's good or bad. You see your are no MLK, you are no Jesse Jackson, you are nobody, to me, your just another Don King with a perm, just a little more political and that just means you're a little un-human then use humans, and now let me be human."
'There's a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. It's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap."
I would never give up on the ones that I love, I have just become tired of trying to fix everything and everyone. So please don't twist my words around when I write this. I have been overwhelmed with addiction since I knew what the word addiction meant. And on top of trying to "fix" and making their life better, I've also had to try and "fix" my problems and make my life better. It's a heavy burden that has been placed on me. I don't regret a single day that I was consumed by "fixing" my brother or trying to make sure he was and is okay, because in the end it has paid off. But now that I have to deal with it all over again and being kicked while I am down in the process has made me tired of trying. This time it's not my brother, but still someone I care very much for and consider as my brother.
This time not only did we loose him suddenly, in the sense that he moved out of state and pretty much has stopped all contact with us, but I lost out on being the aunt I wanted to be. In one of my previous blogs I wrote how I wanted to be the aunt that my nieces and nephews could turn to for advice, advice they couldn't get from their Mom and Dad, I wanted to be the aunt that they would always remember as being fun and doing things with them. When she left, my heart was torn into more than two pieces, it was shattered. There was something about her that drew me to her and I wanted and still want to always be there for her. I can't describe the feeling that I felt the night that she was gone and the feeling I still get when I look at something that reminds me of her. It took me a good two weeks before I was able to fall asleep without holding her pink sock monkey.
At this very moment, if someone were to ask me if I am mad at what happened, I would answer honestly, hell yes I'm fucking mad. I'm not mad at any person really, I'm mad at the addiction, mad at the pain it causes families. I'm mad that a person would allow an addiction that will eventually lead to their own death get in the way of happiness and growth. The addiction most certainly becomes the families addiction and it is the most selfish act I've witnessed.
I think that this hurts me more because not only is my son being effected by it now and is old enough to realize that this person is "sick", but I've tried so much and it seems to go unnoticed. I would give the shirt off my back if it would mean that he would get better and be the person I know he can be. Would I change what we did for him in the past? Absolutely not. As stupid as this sounds, maybe I would have tried harder.
I'm not sure how many people can relate to what I am feeling and for those of you who can relate to it, I truly am sorry and I don't wish this feeling upon anyone. It really does make your whole body ache, your stomach turn, and your heart becomes very heavy. I tried to take a step in overcoming my addition to him by just removing any contact I could have with him, but my brain doesn't shut off and subconsciously, I was still contacting him. I held onto that hope that I would get an answer back and that he would be okay. But once again my hope was crushed. I still hold onto that hope and am trying to remember not to be disappointed by the outcome.
I have to also try and remember that I can still be there for all my nieces and nephews despite the addiction and I need to be there for them no matter what is said or done.
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in your hearts forever, even if you are long ago gone in their hearts." It's a sad feeling but it's something I have to accept.
