Wedding Day

On our wedding day, I thought of these words in my head. Sometimes we both forget. Sometimes it's hard, and we were dealt these hands in cards, so let's play them and make the best of what we were given.

Run, running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me, I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most

And I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up, lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Running, running, as fast as we can
Do you think you'll make it?
We're running, keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

Be, be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me

Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
I really hope you'll make it
We're running, keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

They can all get f**ked, just stay true to you....

I've been trying to figure out a way to express what's been going on, there isn't really a way to express it. I was on my way to work this morning and my iPod was on shuffle and this song came up, it fits my feelings pretty much. I had to share it and had to make my voice count. Seems like lately, I've been on the back burner of so many. I've been trying to keep my head up and just think about my son, sometimes it's just hard.


Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick this shit back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick up this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Every thing's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Sheena you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes


Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Grandma always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

To my babies
Stay strong, Mommy and Auntie will always be here

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

Last time

This is the last time, you say
After the last time today.
Not even sure what I did
Nothing to hide, but my pain

You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for every time
I'd own the bank

Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your past
You were the greatest
But you'd rather contiue the chase

You don't even listen to what I say
'Cause the game you'd rather play
I try to make you see,
I'd rather not be the the one to say,
but sometimes it just is that way.
I don't want to be the bad guy,
I'd rather be on your side.

Wanna be your lover, and not you're fucking back up plan
Can't be your savior, I don't have the power

You say you have to do what's right,
Whatever, if it helps you sleep at night

You've become what you despise

You had the world in the palm of your hands
But your fucking choking

You should be my teammate
I thought I could change your fate
You say that you love me
But you don't ever show me.

All I do is try,
I'm sorry I can't be what you want,
Seems like all I do is cry.
All I want is for you to come back.

With this being the last blog I post on Facebook, I want to say thank you for those of you have read them and thank you for those who will continue to read them. Somethings in my life just need to change. I've tried all I could, I've given all my efforts, I'm out of answers.

If you're coming over to see my house please make an appointment....

Really I haven't had any thing to write about in the past few weeks. Even though my mind goes a mile a minute, it's been hard to actually sit down and write about anything. When you are a full time mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and work full time, things can often get a little crazy. I often try and tell my self to calm down, to take it one day at a time. There are more important things in life, but like anything else, it's easier said than done. With having a three year old, you often wonder if you are doing the right thing, are you teaching them the skills they need to begin school, are you doing the right thing to make them ready for life. I guess we don't know the answers to these questions until the day they are actually grown and you can see the life they have created for themselves and the life you helped guide.

My sister and I are 5 years apart, so I remember her being little and when she did her first things. I remember when she was about 3 or 4, she started signing songs and I always thought it was hilarious that this little annoying person (at least that's what I thought she was at the time) could even know the words to the songs. Now as I became a parent and have a three year old, I remember these memories and it makes me sad a lot of times to think how big my son has gotten and that he is now going to form his own opinions, his own thoughts, his own likes and dislikes. Sometimes he knows more about current music than I do. He recently has come home and started signing songs from the radio that I have no clue who signs them. The songs I do know, I try to get for him and of course we listen to them at least 5 times on the way to and from school. So needless to say, I know all the words to I'm sexy and I know it.

You often hear things about "terrible twos", I don't believe a word of that. Not that three is a bad age, but it defiantly makes a person sit and think about the important things in life. He seems to make my days go by faster, he always makes me smile daily, he always pushes my buttons daily, and he always manages to make me yell at least once a day. I often have to take a step back and remember he still is little, he still can cry and need his Mommy, he still is not capable of explaining his every need or want. I think most of this is because he acts so much older than he actually is. Every day though he manages to teach me something new and makes me think about things in a different way.

As much as I write about addiction and about the things in my life that could be better, I always need to remember that there is the most amazing little boy who needs me, who wants me, who makes my life and every day events that much better.

I just wanted to end this with a quote that someone posted on Face book. I think it holds true to any mother. I realize that sometimes I am a little obsessive about cleaning and keeping things clean:

Dirty dishes prove I feed my family. Full trash can means I clean up after them. Messy floors mean I let my child have fun. Pile of unfolded laundry means I keep my family in clean clothes. Wet bathroom means my kid took a shower! So the next time you walk into my house and see a "mess" think twice before you judge. If you come over to see us, come on in...if you're coming over to see my house please make an appointment. 



You've become what you despise

If it's not one thing it another right? At least, that's the way it seems in my life right now. We've got one addiction taken care of for right now and in comes another. I feel like all I do is fight addiction for other people. It literally makes my stomach hurt. Recently, my son has come across music that he likes and one artist was Katy Perry. Never did I think that a song of hers would make me cry, but I was wrong. I've changed some of the words, for obvious reasons but this song fits perfectly.

This is the last time you say
After the last line you break
It's not even a holiday
Nothing to celebrate
You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for everytime
I'd overbank

Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your addiction
You could've been the greatest
But you'd rather get wasted
You fall asleep during the day
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down

Wanna be your sister
Not your f****** mother
Can't be your saviour
I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain

You say you have to write your rhymes
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despiseA stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll
But you're really just a joke
Had the world in the palm of your hands
But you f****** choked

Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me
You won't remember in the morning

Buggie....

When I started this journey of motherhood 3 and half years ago, never did I think my days would be filled with superheros and hot wheels. From the day he was born and I looked in his big brown eyes, I knew he was meant for greatness. Everyday I learn, see and hear something new. Never did I think I would be cutting some one's hair like Peter Parker or Iron man, but my son has managed to make these magical things happen. Everyday he teaches me something new and everyday he learns something new.

When I started this journey I tried to do everything by the book, I read every baby book I could, I read every article I could, then again Jaidyn managed to teach me that you can't go by books, you can't rely on articles, you have to rely on your heart. He has taught me to believe, to dream, to feel, to make things happen that I could have never thought possible.

When I started this journey never did I think my nights would be filled with story book readings, kisses, and snuggles. I never thought I would be putting a sleeping angel to bed. And again he taught me that watching him sleep is the best thing I could see all day.

When I started this journey I did know one thing, that my son, my angel, my star, my everything, would help me breathe, help me get through my struggles, my life and make things better. I did know that with just one look into his eyes I would know what love is, I would know what laughter is and I would know what happiness is.

I can't imagine my life any other way, I can't imagine what it would be like without having this amazing little person in my life. He has helped me grow, helped me breathe, helped me laugh, helped me be a better person. I believe everything happens for a reason and he was brought into my life and brought into this world for a reason. I don't know what his calling is yet, but I do know it will be great and he was brought into my world so I wouldn't feel lost, I would be able to keep my head up, I would be able to smile even though I don't feel like it.

Beauty Contest

I started this blog about a week ago and couldn't figure out what I wanted to write about. So many thoughts running through my head. Any ways, this week I thought it would be fitting to write about my struggles, that most people might think I'm out of my mind but it's a really struggle I go through everyday (you can ask my husband, I think I drive him batty). Here it is....... Weight. I've never been super thin, but after I had Jaidyn I could never get back to where I wanted to be, and I know (because I've heard this from so many people) that after you have babies your body goes through a lot of changes. I get this and understand, however, with this said, I have had all the blood work done possible to test everything possible and still have not received any answers. I do work out everyday, I am lucky enough that my work provides us with a gym. I don't eat red meat, I eat healthy and try and take care of my body as much as I can. Yet with all this being done, nothing, nada, has come off. I can't tell you how frustrated I am with the whole process, the other day while on the elliptical I thought to my self "Why am I doing this? It doesn't work for me any ways." It's an endless cycle that no matter what I probably won't be happy with the way I look.

At this point I'm not sure what else I can do, I've tried weight watchers, I've tried counting calories, eating off smaller plates, etc... Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss for words and don't know where to start or begin. I've been to my doctor and was given little advice, I don't know where to get a second opinion or even what I should do. I have been thinner which is why it's so frustrating to me. It's gotten to the point where I hate shopping, I hate looking at my self in the mirror. My self esteem has become very low. I can't afford to go to the weight loss clinics, although I would love to.

I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone out there has any advice.. For those of you who don't know me, I am a huge No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan and I found this one probably about ten years ago that really sums up everything. Not only for me but for all females. Please if you have advice, I would love to hear it. I have pretty much tried everything.

Just another cycle

In my struggle to keep up with my thoughts of my brother, I sometimes forget about my own thoughts, my own wishes, my own needs. I guess in a way my addiction to him has gotten the best of me. Not only am I addicted to getting him better but I am now seeing I am addicted to just getting anyone better from this horrible illness. My brother doesn't share his stories with us, and I guess I am thankful for this, I think it would be to much for me. To this day, I still hold this horrible image of him using and I can't get it out of my head. I try to escape these thoughts and need to help people but something still keeps me fighting for them. I know I can't save the world but I can't just sit back and do nothing either. It's cycle that I hope goes away.

However, I have come to realize that there are more important things in life than to sit and dwell on what would have or could have happened. My son, who is my shining star, my whole world, my everything, has made me realize this. He needs his mom to be there for him, show him that it's okay to fight for what you believe in, yet still not let it consume your life. I want to show him that his mother is a strong person, a person who will do anything for him, yet show him how to be respectful as well. This past weekend, I have just been lost in my thoughts and thinking about the world around me. Just recently my husband had to go back to his home town in Illinois for a visit that was necessary but the circumstances were horrific. While he was there he got to meet our niece, who is almost 6 moths old. I can't explain how much love I have for her and I haven't even met her. Every time I get a picture of her, she brightens my day. I want to be the aunt that she can turn to when things are bad, I want to be the aunt that she loves and comes to when she has problems and can ask advice on things that she can't ask her mom and dad. I hope that one day I can actually meet her and see her beautiful face in person but for now pictures will have to do. I hope that her dad (my brother in-law) will always tell her that I will always be there for her no matter what.

I have all these thoughts that run through my head and I don't even know if she will ever know them. I just felt that I needed to write about them today, that maybe with these thoughts being on paper will make me feel better. Because I mentioned how her face makes my day brighter, I have to share one of her many beautiful pictures.


 (Please don't get me wrong, the wonderful children in my life that are here in Arizona, I want to be just as an amazing aunt to them as well, there was just something in my heart that lead me to writing about Lilly this morning.)

With every passing day, I try my hardest to be the best wife, mother, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, and daughter I can be. It's not easy but with me being able to write and share my emotions and feelings, it is helping. When I first started this blog, it was to be able to better my self and that is what I am trying to do.

Every day struggles

Something about today has brought me to my blog. Like I've said in the past these last four years have probably been the hardest and the happiest of my life. I got married to a wonderful man, I was blessed with an amazing little boy, I was blessed with an amazing job, and I have been blessed with amazing friends. The hard part is learning how to deal with things that haunt my every thought. These are thoughts that not a lot of people know I deal with everyday. I don't even think my husband does. Everyday, from start to end, I think about my brother, I think about my son, I think about my Grandma, I think about my mom, I think about my brother in-law, I think about my niece, I think about the little angels in my life that passed away. All of these thoughts spin around in my head and are never ending. Some days, all I want to do is sleep, thinking maybe they will go away. In reality, I know I can't do that. I know that I have to get up every day and make sure my family is taken care of, my son is loved and healthy and happy. I have to get up and face the reality of what life has brought me and what life knew I could and will handle.

In the past few weeks, things have been brought to the surface that maybe I didn't need to know, but I'm glad I do know. My thoughts this week have been with my Grandma, it's a weird feeling, that I can't even describe. I know that the day she left earth, she never really left me. For three days she has been on my mind, like she was trying to tell me something. Lately my son has been asking about where things come from, what is God, did God make this, did God do that.  I'm not a very religious person but I think my son needs to now a little about everything so we tell him as much as a three year old can understand. The other day he said "Mommy, great Grandma is at God's house right?" He was only 18 months when she passed away, so how he remembered that is beyond me but I think she is with me this week. Telling me everything is going to be okay.

I think she is doing what she couldn't do here on earth and that is "fixing" what needed to be fixed. My brother enrolled himself in a program this week to help him with his addiction and I could not be more proud. He is on his way to recovery, not just sobriety and he is beginning to see what "happy" can be like. He is no longer self medicating, he is seeing an actual medical doctor. This not only is going to "fix" him, but it is going to "fix" me and my mom. We no longer have to worry as much.

I don't think people are given more than they can handle and I think everything happens for a reason, we just may not know what the reason is at the time. I don't know why my Grandma was taken from us so early, but I do know she lives in us everyday, and I do believe she takes turns making sure we are okay and we are happy. This week just happen to be mine. As I finish my week, I will try and remember what is important in life and not let the little things bother me. There are people with bigger problems and bigger issues, there are people that need help more than I do. I will end this with a song that is appropriate for this week. I've listened to it every day over and over.

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show"

And another one.....

Somethings in life we can not change, somethings we can not predict, and most things we can not control. Everyone in their lives have made mistakes, done things they regret, and hurt people they did not mean to hurt. In every one's life journey we hope out of all of these faults, we come out stronger, wiser, and able to be more acceptable of things and people around us. In our many struggles in life, there are always people along the way that make an impact in our lives, change the way we think, and sometimes the course our life is going to take. In my life I have been very lucky and have surrounded my self by people who have changed my life for the better. I have chosen to become a better person, despite what I could have become. Yes there are things that I do regret, things that I wish I could change, things I wish I did not do, but I have come out stronger, wiser and I am able to be more understanding to those people around me who struggle with things I can relate to.

There is one person in my life who I can honestly say has impacted my life the most, and I hate to keep bringing this up but I feel the need to continue to write about this and continue to cope with my addiction. This person is my brother. My brother has struggled and is still struggling with addition, with his struggle I also struggle. Everyday I learn something new, I think I've seen and heard all that I can hear, then a new day comes and I am wrong. I know that my brother has made bad choices, has hurt many people along the way, has become a product of what we all did not want him be. But for those people who still think my brother is this person, I think these people should realize this is because you are close minded, do not have a heart to forgive. You have to remember that people do and can change, people can surprise you. Through all our struggles, I know he is not 100 percent better, but I do know one thing, he is trying, he is regretful for everything he has put not only his family, but his friends through.

For someone to sit there and still look down upon my brother or any person who has struggled with this horrible disease and are trying to get recover, brings me feelings I can not even describe. Feelings that I do not even want to accept, because I am not sure what will be done or said. All I know and all I can say, is that as of right now, I am proud of the obstacles my brother has over come. He has proved to me that he can do anything he puts his mind to, he can achieve his dreams if he tries. I do know that he has a lot more obstacles ahead of him and a lot more things to prove to me, to be able to gain my trust completely, but for the time being, I can't do much but be there for him.

To those people who are so closed minded to hold one judgement upon someone, I feel sorry for them. It shows that some people are still brought up to think that no one makes mistakes and that everyone is perfect. I feel sorry for these people, whose minds don't let them think freely, who are so controlled by society that they can not realize that there are good in people even if they have done bad things.  

I just hope with the many years to come, I can show my son how to be a good person, how to see the good in people, even if they have chosen to do bad things in the past. Addiction is a disease that controls your mind and body. It creates you to do things you would not normally do when you are sober, it creates a monster inside of you that you did not know was there.

Just trying to help

I'm not sure how much of this I'm comfortable with sharing but here it goes... I've always been the one people come to when things go bad, I've put a lot of weight on my shoulders when it comes to my brother, my sister, my brother in-law, my husband, my mother. My mom knows this best out of everyone, but as much as she wants to tell me everything going on in her life, she can't tell me everything because she's all I'll do is worry. And part of me wants her to tell me everything, to confide in me, the other part knows she's right. Just like when my Grandma got sick, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, it took me a long time to realize, I couldn't change things. I can't be with everyone, every step of their day. I have to live my life, my way. This as always is easier said then done. I'm slowly learning this and maybe, just maybe by the time I'm 30, I'll get the hang of it. For now, my obsessive behavior is just another part of who I am. Recently, I heard this song and those of you who watch the show, knows where it came from, it may be kind of dorky, but I thought it fit me perfect. I always am the one who tries to fix people, I always tell my brother don't wear your heart on your sleeve, but I should practice what I preach. I was given a big heart, and a lot of times I wear where everyone can see it, sometimes it gets me in trouble. I don't know what will come of me posting this, maybe I will just get this off my chest. Who knows, but I thought I would share.


What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

To be better...

I've talked about the things that have happened to me in pretty much the last four years, some of them good, some of them not so good, but over all I think I've become a better person. At least I try to be, my husband on the other hand may have some different comments. All I can say is that I'm trying. I've become a little more obsessive, a little more OCD, and little bit more difficult to live with. But what can I say, it's who I am. Lately though, I've become a person who I am trying very hard not to be.

Three years ago, I was blessed with my angel. From the very first day, all 8 lbs 9 oz of him, he was an angel. He was born with his eyes wide open, wanting more, more knowledge, more love, more need for information. He brought joy into so many peoples lives, it's unbelievable. He was able to give my Grandma, the strength to hold on for a couple more years, he gave my in-laws a little more hope (we just lost another little angel, my nephew and their grandson), he gave me a sense of belonging, and my husband what he had always wanted. I tried every day from that point forward to be the best mom I could be. Yes, I made mistakes, I didn't do everything by the book, I wish I could stay home with him instead of work, but I try.

Sometimes in the middle of everything going on, I loose my temper. I try to teach him things he needs to do to be the best person he possibly can be. I try to sit with him every chance I get to teach him what he needs to know. I try to protect him from every thing he needs to be protected from and sometimes in the middle of things, I say things I don't really mean. I've done this to my brother in-law, to my husband, to my brother, to my sister, and for everything I've said I do regret. I even sometimes obsess over the stupid little things, that most people have long forgotten.

I'm not sure where this mean streak has come from, I don't know if it's just mothers instinct or if I've just become that person. I do know one thing, I hate it when I take it out on my son. I don't want to be that mom that has no patients, I don't want to be that mom that never plays with her son when he asks. I want to be the mom who is always playing with him, always spending time with him. I know it's hard to be a working mom and do everything I want to with him, but I will try. I will try to be the best mom he will ever have, I will try to do better, I will try to be a better person for him.

In my journey to become a better person and mother, I have made one of his tasks for the day to play out side with mommy and to do his ABC's everyday. So far, it's helped and all I can do is keep trying, keep my head up and not let the little things get me down. I can only do so much and hope that my obsessive behavior doesn't get the best of me.

Okay, so my addiction has gotten the best of me again.............

Okay, so my addiction has gotten the best of me again. As I was driving to pick up lunch today, I noticed the Arizona Department of Correction (ADC) workers on the side of the road. They were doing some landscaping, which you see often, at least in Arizona. I often just look the other way and not even think twice, but today something inside me triggered my addiction (my not by choice addiction).... My brothers.


This story goes back about 6 years ago, so I won't go into much detail but as much of you know my brother and brother in-law both spent time in jail and prison. I can't help but think about what it was like in there. I know both of them are currently out of the system, but it still creeps into my mind all the time. Every time I see a show about prison, I think of both of them and almost immediately start crying. Now, I've never been to jail or prison so I don't know what it actually is like inside those walls, but from what I've seen and heard it's a life I don't want to ever see and I wish that no one else I know ever has to again.


My brother about a year and half ago, was arrested again for a probation violation. Of course, because our judicial system is not the best it took sometime for him to actually be sentenced. In the meantime, he could not be released on bail, because in their mind they already gave him a chance and he blew it. I do agree that if you do the crime, you pay the price, however, with that being said I remember the day of his sentencing. We should up on that morning, he came into the room in his orange suite chained to the other inmates and looked at me and said two years. Now, I did get in trouble for trying to talk to him while in custody, but as soon as I saw the two years, my heart fell to the floor. I could not imagine, first of all, my life with out my brother for two years, and second of all his life in prison. He would never be the same person I knew. As we waited for the judge to make his decision, we were all on the edge of seats. Someone, or something was watching us that day because the judge changed his mind and sentenced him to a year in the county jail. A year is a long time, but at least it's not prison. At least we could still visit him every Sunday. A year later when it was his release date, I was the one who picked him from that stupid green building, just me and his nephew. I don't know how happy he was to see us, but I can tell you it was one of the happiest day I've had.

I did not know my brother in-law before he went in the prison system, I just knew him after the fact. Of course, I heard his stories and knew that my husband loved him. Without even knowing him, he became my brother. I remember the day he got off the plane, only being two days out after serving 5 years. It was once again an overwhelming experience. Here is this man, who I had only seen in pictures and I loved him like his was my own brother. To this day, I'm not sure if he really knows this, but he is my brother. I've always heard the saying you can't choose your blood, but can sure as hell pick your family. He too has become part of my addiction, making sure he is okay, making sure he stays clean and out of trouble. Even though he is living in Illinois now, I still can't help but worry and try to keep my distance.

Now, with this being said and having experience with our current judicial system and seeing the ACD workers today, it makes my heart go out to them. I know that some people truly belong in prison for whatever reason, and maybe what my brother and brother in-law did, they did deserve to serve there time. It just makes me mad that there is such a stigma on people that have been in jail, when you have two men like my two older brothers, who wouldn't hurt a fly (unless of course provoked). I know how hard it is for people like this to start over from the bottom with people looking and thinking about them as if they just murdered someone. It's hard for them find jobs, to rent a place to live, sometimes even find good friends who they can trust. My hope is one day to have this stigma of them being "bad people" be gone and try and help rehabilitate them, help them live in a normal society once being released into the "normal" world.

Again, I sit here and cry as I write these words because they might sound like a bunch of jumble to you, but to me having people look at them as they are monsters breaks my heart. All I can do, as I said before, is sit back and watch and hope they know that I am and always will be here for them, always.

My buggie boy

Not a good picture of me but this was seconds after he was born

This morning my brother in-law and his girlfriend gave me a new niece, Lillian Marie Crist. Sadly, because she lives in Illinois, I won't have the pleasure of meeting her for a while. I hope sooner then later. Seeing her inspired me to write about my own shinning star, the love of my life, my little buggie (as I have called him since I knew he was a boy).

Before he was born, my life was incomplete. My husband had wanted kids from the day he met me, I on the other hand wanted to wait. We had only been married a couple of months when we got the news of our wonderful surprise. Little did I know that this human being only being 8 lbs 9 oz at birth could be the love of my life and will always be my buggie boy. He has made our lives complete.



This is my Grandma, waiting for her first Great grand child to make his appearance. (she is in my previous blog)





The day we took Jaidyn home. (of course in all U of A)



I still remember the day I went into labor, the day he was to be here. It was February 5th, 3 days before his actual due date. I was laying in bed (which most women do at this point, when you have an extra 25 pounds and almost 9 pound baby in you) watching the basketball game (of course U of A was playing). It was about 9:00 at night and my contractions started. I went in the living room and told Shane, okay it's time go. My husband was so excited, he had to stop and use his inhaler. We made it to TMC and almost 12 hours later at 11:03 am, February 6, 2008, our son was born into this world. Jaidyn O'Neill Crist, 8 lbs 9 oz, 5 fingers, 5 toes and no hair. To me, he was and is my angel, my saviour.

For those of who don't know my three old son, you would be amazed. And I'm not just saying this because he is my child. He is a smart, love able child with the ability to make any one's day amazing. From before he was born he was feisty. I have one of his sonogram pictures where he flipping the camera off, which of course he continued to do as a infant.

I have come to know this little man, from being this amazing baby (which I got very lucky) to this amazing three year old, who tells me what he wants, what hurts, what he needs, when he needs to do something, and of course all his sassyness and spunk. Even with all the normal three year old behavior, all the good out weighs this. I look forward everyday to coming home and relaxing with my baby and having him tell me of his stories of the day. I believe in my heart that he changed my husband and I's relationship for the better. Because of Jaidyn he has made us stronger, more dependent on each other and if he hadn't come into our lives, I don't know what today would bring us. I do know I love my husband more for bringing this amazing person into my life. 

I was lucky enough to find a husband who not only is good to me, but is the most amazing father I could have asked for. Just the other day, Jaidyn and him were out side and Jaidyn stopped and said "Daddy I love spending time with you" This brought tears to both of our eyes. He gives us unconditionally love and hope he stays this love able way.

Being a parent , you always think, am I doing the right thing, am I doing what's best for him? All these thoughts torment me everyday, I try to overcome them by thinking how happy he is and how much love he does get every single day. For now, I guess we sit back and enjoy the time we have and able to spend with him, both Shane and I working full time, it comes less then we would like.

Jaidyn is going to be our next basketball star, so remember these pictures and his mothers thoughts and anxieties because soon, you will all have to remind of these days. I am so thankful for what our lives have become and I owe it all to my Buggie boy.

This is my amazing boy now. Just made a shot!



I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive, I came to survive, to prosper, and to rise

I thought about you again today, the way you smiled, the way you smelt, even the way you laughed. Some days I wake up and it's easier to think about you then others, some days I wake up and all I can do is cry that you left my side. You were an angel on earth and you are an angel in heaven. I miss the days when I could pick up the phone and hear your voice and tell you something new that Jaidyn did that day. I miss the days when I could drive to your house and be embraced by your warm touch and be melted by your smile. I miss the days I could just look in your eyes and see how very proud you were of me and who I have become. I just miss you.

Grandma,
I write this letter to you, I want you to know that even though you left my side, you are still in my heart, my mind, my soul. Jaidyn will never be let to forget what a wonderful human being you were. You left our lives on the night of September 2, 2009, this a day I will never forget, I will never let it leave my mind. I remember the day that Jaidyn was born and how I could hear your voice in the hospital room. I remember how proud you were to hold your first born great grandson. I can remember how proud I was to have you there by my side and have you be able to watch him. I remember the days that led up to you leaving us. I couldn't sleep, all I remember is asking, praying that you could live and I could take your pain. I know you would not let this happen to me in million years but I didn't want to happen to you as much. There is a song that reminds me of you and the way you thought of all your grandchildren. Every time I hear it it makes me cry. You wanted us to win, to fight, to conquer and to thrive. You wanted us to win, to survive, to prosper and to rise.You wanted us to be everything we could be and more. So I write this today for you.

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly

I wish today it will rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I'm still an angel away
Angel away, yeah strange in a way
Maybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become near when they aiming at me
Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all see blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I'm just summising
Win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire

Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint they own pictures than they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can every be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
So we become alive in a time of fear
And I ain't got no motherf*cking time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay's become yay's

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
This is still just part of my new chapter in my life to let myself show my feelings. My grandmother was a big part of my life, she was the person who was able to watch my son when I had to go back to work for the first 18 months of his life. She was the person who could always bring a smile to my face no matter what. She was the person that no matter what I did, she would always love me and support me. My grandmother loved everyone that came into her life and made them feel like they were the only people in the room. I miss her every single day and every single day I think about her. She is now my angel.

Addiction

Lately I've seen a lot of people starting blogs. At first, I was a little turned off, thought it was to personal. Then I started to think about things, I've set several goals for my self for 2011, one of which is to be more open with people and not hold back when I need to share. I thought this might be a good way for me to start.


The last fours years of my life have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. There have been good and bad, but in all I have learned from every single one. In the past four years I have gotten married, gave birth to the most amazing little boy in the entire world, lost two little angels that I love dearly, lost one of the most important people in my life  (my grandmother), saw my best friend give birth to another (most) amazing little boy in the entire world, I have helped my brother cope with his addiction, met my brother in-law for the first time, and saw my brother in-law leave us at the same time, I also have have found and met my sister, in which I have been searching for, for the past ten years, and I have also started a new position in my career, in which has brought me to the realization of what I want to do with my life. Each experience has brought a little light in to my life letting me know I can make it another day, I can move past this, I can move on in life and still be okay. To be honest, I know I would not be able to cope with any of this with out the support of my husband and my best friend, but I still have done it and am doing it.


I could probably sit here and write a book about my life experiences but something tells me that I should write about my brother today. I don't even know where to begin, from the time we were little, it was me and him against the world. Our biological farther was non existent in our lives, and yes we grew up with the most amazing step-father, or should I say Dad in the whole world, but it still was not the same. ( I don't think I've said those words out loud.) I have always thought of my brother as my leader, my guidance, my everything. Then one day he changed, I guess I didn't want to believe the person he had become was true. He had become someone I didn't know. It is always true what they say the addict in your family becomes your addiction. He had/has consumed my life with making sure he does not relapse, does not stumble across the wrong path. It's easier said then done, when people often tell me, let it go, you can't control him. To me, he is my world, if something were to happen to him, I would be lost.

My addiction to my brother, has become an addiction of my own. I don't think he realizes how much he really does mean to me and how much it hurts me to see him go in that state of life. Over the last year and half he has become sober and has had his ups and downs with getting a job and getting his life back together. He literally had to start from the bottom all over again. He had no job, no house, no cloths, he had nothing. I've seen him go from this stage into his life to now, he has a car, a good job, is on his way to getting his own place to live. Words can not describe how proud I am of him. With this being said, it is still a struggle I deal with everyday not to be "addicted" to him. It is very hard for me to trust him, every time he is a little off, I often question him. Are you using again, what are doing, where are you going? I know in his head he is sick of all the questions, but for feeding my own "addiction" I need to know.

When I often talk to people about addiction, I say I don't know what it's like to be addicted to anything, I've never been addicted to drugs. I guess I'm wrong, this may not be a substance that I am addicted to, I am addicted to my brother's life. I don't know when the time will come when I actually do stop being addicted to him, but I hope with time I can recover from addiction as well. My whole life has become this person who wants to help people fight addiction, I have recently re enrolled in school, with a degree in social work specializing in substance abuse. I know what addiction does to a family and I know it becomes the lowest point in some one's life, it eats away at every part of your body, it needs to be fed by whatever means possible. An addict is not the same person that person once was. Addicts are almost like wild animals, wanting that next fix, that next high, their next meal. My hope is that one day, my brother will be live a normal, happy life with kids and a wife. For right now, it's him against the world and all we can do is hope.